Tag Archives: valentine’s day

Lame Adventure 405: Window Undressing

Now that the holiday season is long gone, but Valentine’s Day is soon approaching, store windows are going in the hearts, flowers, candy, lingerie and pubic hair direction. Yes, you read that correctly. According to my pal, Coco, sheer lingerie over shag carpeting can be seen on display right now in the window of a downtown American Apparel store. You want proof, here it is.

The thinker.

The thinker.

Flaunting the furry friend.

Flaunting the furry friend.

Me: Hey, is that American Apparel store near a school? And I don’t mean NYUseless.

According to Coco, this display is at a store located on Manhattan’s Lower East Side on East Houston and Orchard Street.

Coco: It’s an American Apparel people pass on their way for pastrami or methadone.

Me: Well that’s comforting.

American Apparel is a clothing manufacturer, wholesaler and retailer that Dov Charney founded in 1989 when he was 20. On a positive note, all of the clothes are made in the USA. On the gag note, Charney has spearheaded several sleazy ad campaigns featuring scantily clad barely legal looking young women. These windows are not much of a surprise considering this company’s provocative style of marketing is a drooling horn dog’s paradise. Even if you’re not a drooling horn dog, when you see these ads, it’s easy to give them a double take before rinsing your eyeballs with bleach. Charney’s been hit with several sexual harassment suits from former employees. Five years ago, the company settled a $10 million lawsuit from Woody Allen to the tune of $5 million. Allen was incensed that Charney used images of him dressed like a rabbi from the film “Annie Hall” in one of his ads.

I suspect that most New Yorkers walking down the street who glimpse the sight of these mannequins in see-through underwear and retro 70s-era spectacles, reminiscent of the ones I wore in my sophomore year of high school, will follow Coco’s lead: guffaw, giggle and whip out their camera phones. But will they be compelled to enter the store to buy this underwear to model privately for their Valentine’s Day loves? Coco does not think a display of pubes is enough enticement to encourage smart shoppers to drop $25 on a pair of barely visible knickers. She walked on, but she did share a few other observations.

Coco: By the way, American Apparel is the first to have mannequins with nips. I don’t know what the bush is, but I think it’s related to Brillo.

Maybe it’s sold separately?

Attention whores.

American Apparel attention whores.

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Lame Adventure 277: Funny Valentines

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching.  It’s a day I find reliably disappointing for once again I’m Special Someone-less.  When I last checked my inner melancholy-o-meter, with 1 being “good riddance” and 10 being “suicidally depressed”, I’m somewhere in the middle.  I will admit that I’ve lost all motivation to shave so under my clothes I resemble Chewbacca a little more every day.  I miss those Backrubs on Demand and I wish she had returned the book she borrowed, Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides, among a few other reasons why I regret fighting like cats and cats.

Overall, in my 369 ¼ dog years, I can recall experiencing few romantic Valentine’s Days, but in that same time period, I have been bombarded with countless reminders of what I should do to celebrate this day with the Special Someone that usually eludes me every February 14th.  See examples below.

Say it with a classy card*.

*Card available from Noble Works.

Say it with flowers* provided no one is deathly allergic like me.

*The say it with flowers site.

Say it with a Jacques Torres* chocolate puzzle heart.

*How to get a chocolate puzzle heart.

Say it with Salmon Provençal and a Chicken Leg*.

*Maybe not.

I asked my buddy, Coco, a certified vixen of the heterosexual persuasion, to share any of her tales of man-woman Valentine’s Day joy.  Allow me to hand the keyboard to my pal.

Coco: VD.  Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday.  Venereal Disease is a gynecologist’s holiday.

Thank you for that insight Coco.  Embedded below is a video Coco shot while hanging halfway out her narrow bathroom window of my sidekick, Greg, standing on her fire escape playing , My Funny Valentine, on his saxophone.  Enjoy and here in Lame Adventure-land we hope you share our gift of music along with candy, flowers and of course, that crowd-pleaser, Salmon Provençal and Chicken Legs, with your Special Someone.