Lame Adventure 380: The Freeloader with the Dead Pigeon

I am out of my comfort zone: soot-infested, fast-paced, people-packed, pissed off Manhattan island. My special brand of sour and  I are in sunny California where people are polite and like to smile. Okay, I will admit I did learn a few manners when I grew up out here, but I always was at my core, even as an essentially mopey moppet, a New Yorker.

I am visiting my family and friends in the San Francisco Bay Area. As usual, I am staying with my sister, Dovima, and brother-in-law, Herb (with a silent h). Father’s Day is Sunday so I will soon see my Dear Old Dad. His gift this year from me is a copy of my recently published book. Dovima told me that he likes the cover a lot. But what might my 86-year-old pappy with a heart condition think of the contents? Part of me is inclined to censor all the profanity and any hints that I’m still an actively horndog lesbian even while deep in middle age when I should have a kernel of dignity. Then, there are the silly stories such as my lusting after a deformed muffin. But if I ripped and blacked out all these passages, that would limit my tome to  little more than the cover photo and the title page. Dad might notice that something not very ha ha funny was up with it and that could offend him even more. So, I’m living on the edge, he’s getting the real deal book and hopefully his ticker can take it.

Meanwhile, I had planned to publish an entirely different post with a story to it, but unfortunately, only four of the images on my camera will download onto my sister’s PC. And these are four images that I shot in New York that have nothing to do with the story about The Dog on the Plane. A story that will be told later. Now I have four images sitting in my sister’s picture file that look like this.

Bubble wrap and packing pellets in the hallway at The Grind.

Bubble wrap and packing pellets in the hallway at The Grind.

I don’t know why I shot the bubble wrap and the packing pellets in the hall at work. Maybe I was thinking that they make a nice couple. The problem picture that might detonate Dovima is the one below. Actually, I have three of these shots that downloaded onto her PG-rated PC. This one is the most family friendly.

Flattened feathered friend.

Flattened feathered friend.

Now, I have to figure out how the hell to delete this file from Dovima’s kind and gentle computer, a computer that is primarily loaded with folders full of pictures of my niece, Sweet Pea, the dog, Thurber, and  lovely getaways she’s taken with Herb (with the silent h). I’m a dedicated Mac user. PC’s and I are not simpatico.  I hope I don’t somehow hit all the wrong buttons and this pigeon in rigor mortis on West End Avenue in New York City  becomes my sister’s new wallpaper replacing the lovely shot of my niece nuzzling Thurber.  But, were this to happen, it would surely make for a funny story. (ahem)  In a few years from now.

Advertisements

95 responses to “Lame Adventure 380: The Freeloader with the Dead Pigeon

  1. Wallpaper — funny. I have Mac files of those funny stories that happened back when they weren’t funny. Enjoy sunny, low-humidity California!

    Like

  2. Since pigeons are merely flying rats, and, therefore related to tree rats (aka squirrels) neither D2 nor I see an essential problem with the photo of the late flying disease carrier. Reminds one almost of the Python Dead Parrot Skit. And it’s definitely not, in the words of Michael Palin, merely “pining for the fjords.” I wonder whether he gave thought to changing his surname in 2008?

    Hope your dad perks up upon reading your deliciously snarky collection of essays. Speaking as a dad with 2 daughters myself, I am sure anything his little princess publishes will be met with great joy. Regardless of how horny a middle-aged lesbian she is.

    Like

    • … “his little princess” — ha! More like his little soft butch that he always tolerated rather well. Thanks for the reflections about dead squab. Always good to hear from you!

      Like

      • I’m with Mike. As a father of a lesbian daughter, any snarky comments and stories she wants to write is fine by me. After all, she gave me my first David Sedaris book and I’ve been begging her to hand over her copy of his latest release, but I can’t seem to pry it from her grip.

        Like

  3. Joe and Cheryl Ricci Kopczynski

    Virginia, I hope you have a great time in SF! Read your blog often… I am quasi retired and don’t miss the “grind” of working in “the” business at all! Dog, Django and I enjoying life in the country. If you ever head slightly north give us a jingle… would be great to see you. Congrats on your writing and published work. Best, Cheryl Ricci Kopczynski

    Like

  4. But if I ripped and blacked out all these passages, that would limit my tome to little more than the cover photo and the title page. ”

    One of my planned projects if I ever have the equipment and the time is to make a “family friendly” version of Casablanca with all scenes with smoking, smoke, references to such and depictions that include smoking paraphernalia in the background, excised in one-minute segments (The “one-minute segment” method is what the Smoke Free Films people use when making up their stats.) TV shows like Dexter and Hannibal would both get A or A+ child-friendly ratings. Dexter might only get the plain A because his sister used to smoke once in a while, and a season or two ago they included a shot of pedophiles smoking in a cardboard box ghetto under a bridge.)

    I have an idea that the Casablanca result would be similar to your censored book! LOL!

    :>
    MJM

    Like

    • I have an idea that Warner Bros might slap you with a lawsuit of you monkeyed with their classic, MJM. You might be better doing an animated version with stick figures to play it safe. Good luck!

      Like

  5. A dog named Thurber is one of the best things EVER!

    Like

  6. You are full of adventures — none of them lame. I hope you have a lovely time with your Dad, his Ticker, and your family. Incidentally, as I was responding to your comments (on my post) I was momentarily distracted and read that your niece’s name was Thurber and the dog was Sweet Pea. Also cute. And pretty PG rated.

    Like

  7. Enjoy mellowing out for a few days. I vote for inserting new wallpaper on your sisters pc. Give her a little piece of NYC.

    Like

  8. Glad you safely made it to the west coast. Meanwhile, love the bubble wrap and packing peanuts. Are the PB biodegradable ones that you can eat? Anxious to hear your dad’s comments about the book. Meanwhile, have a good stay … hi to Thurber.

    FYI: Author James Thurber was an Ohioan.

    Like

  9. V,
    I suspect your dad will enjoy the book and realize what a funny daughter he has. From what you’ve said about your parents, he’ll be okay. Dovima, on the other hand may be somewhat shocked about: a) the dead pigeon on her computer and b) why you felt the need to photograph it in the first place. Good luck with that. And as you and I have discussed before, PCs are just evil. They have minds of their own and are completely contrary. My Mac has a totally different attitude – basically I turn it on and it bows and says: “How may I serve you?”
    Cathy

    Like

  10. I don’t work well with PCs either. It’s almost like I’ve never used a computer before when I encounter one.

    Like

  11. Snoring Dog Studio

    Well, your Dad will likely survive the experience. Hey, he might not understand 85% of what you’ve written! He’ll probably focus mainly on the photos. I think.

    Like

    • Dovima thinks he shouldn’t have any problem with it, but he already told me that his eyes hurt and he doesn’t like to read anymore. I’d do an audiobook version for him, but he doesn’t hear that well anymore.

      Like

  12. V, it’s cloudy and in the 60’s here so soak up that sunshine. I am popping in to say hey and to tell you that I am GOING to buy your book. If you knew all the crapola I’ve been going through lately, you’d understand. Anyhoo, safe travels and I’ll just bet your Dad will love your book and be so proud. As he should be. Seriously, don’t put the pigeon pic up on Sis’s computer. What if little bunnies and rainbows showed up on your screen saver? How would you feel? Just kidding — have a wonderful time in the sun, sista!

    Like

    • Hey Brig! Great to hear from you, sista! My dad loves the cover, so that’s a good start. The weather is beautiful here (I’m actually in Marin county). This afternoon I am actually going to do the h-word, go hiking. Hopefully, I won’t need any air lifting. That’s so kind of you to support my book! No rush to get it. I think it’s going to be around a while … I hope!

      Like

  13. I could tell you were a “Mac person” from the way (innocuous though it was) you mentioned your sister’s PC. Mac people seem to view the PC as a foreign land, and its users as–perhaps not “the enemy,” but certainly as folks not to be trusted. You might infer from this that I hail from PeeCeeistan. In fact, I have dual-citizenship.

    Is the H silent in Herb for good reasons? It is the Bay Area after all. “The Bay Area” is such a broad term, though. Some people (although I doubt you do) include San Jose and even Tracy and Modesto. San Jose–okay, I can see that geographically, but Tracy and Modesto are straight-up San Joaquin (some people–by which I mean mostly me–lump all those places together as ‘Fresno”).

    Like

    • Smak, I don’t see PC peeps as the enemy at all and I am also a dual-citizenship holder because the computers at The Grind are PC’s. Yet, I still find them baffling and user-unfriendly. A programmer I once knew in the 90s, a PC man, once told me that one’s choice of computers is as sacred as one’s religion. When I saw him about ten years ago, and told him I went Mac he looked so disappointed. It’s the same look I get from my more deep blue friends when I reveal I have friends that are Republican.

      No, Herb (with a silent h) is not an herbal essence user … in this millennium.

      I agree with you about Tracy and Modesto not being in the Bay Area. Back in the day, those places were part of my dad’s territory when he was a traveling salesman. Dovima sees San Jose as being part of the Bay Area. That works.

      Like

      • I went Mac he looked so disappointed….when I reveal I have friends that are Republican.

        You hit on something that I think is an increasing danger in our society–the “us against them” mentality. It’s pretty obvious in things like politics, but I think it’s reflected more subtly in things like computer preference, shopping and dining habits, and the like.

        I was recently talking to a friend about computers, and referring to PCs, this friend quite blithely called them “what you people use.” I thought it was funny–I’m not easily upset by word choices (although try as I might to eschew them, I do have my sacred cows), but I thought it nicely illustrated the divide.

        Like

  14. Be sure and wave when you fly over on the way home. I’ll be the dorky one in overalls and a straw hat.

    If you want, I can round up some dead armadillos and possums for your upcoming picture book – LA Woman, Dead Animal Photographer.

    Like

  15. Call me crazy, but I like that bubble wrap picture as well — for some odd reason. Enjoy your visit with family! Looking forward to some more ‘lame adventures’…

    Like

  16. Hope you’re having a great time in California. Has your dad read your book yet? I hope he loves it. Autograph a copy for him. 🙂

    Like

  17. Enjoy the west coast while you can (perhaps I’ve been watching too many old California into the abyss movies lately). I share your pain in trying to use a computer that doesn’t speak Mac. I mean, what’s with that? As I prepare for a trip I’m trying to upload photos and schedule some posts so I don’t have to deal with “other computer” issues. Oh the price we pay to travel the world!

    Like

    • One day I’ll travel with an iPad Terri. Instant fix (I think; or maybe you get one first and tell me).

      Like

      • Actually that’s what was giving me problems uploading photos. But I think I was using wordpress on safari when I should have just been using the wordpress app (which I have). I’m going to get this sorted out one of these days! But otherwise I love my ipad – I’m on my second one – not the very newest version but one with a camera. It is really nice when you travel as you can download photos and see them in a BIG version, compared with the camera screen. Oh I do love good toys!

        Like

  18. OMG–can’t wait to hear the dog-on-the-plane story. As you know, I fly quite a bit with one or the other of our two dogs, so this should be good!

    Glad you decided to give your dad an uncensored version of your book. Sara and I both loved it–the perfect wedding gift as well! Gosh, it was fun running around Manhattan with you and Jackie!

    Sara and I have finally moved into our house and furniture (some of it) arrived over the weekend. Now we have something to sit on. Maybe that means I can write.

    Hugs,
    Kathy

    Like

    • Great to hear from you Kathy! I’m still out on the West Coast but will be back in the Apple soon ready to spew more Lame Adventures. So glad that you guys enjoyed the book. Maybe we can market it as the perfect last minute wedding gift before settling down in another part of the world? Yeah, your wedding was a blast and I am very glad that Jackie and I are now friends.

      I hope to speak to you soon off site.

      V

      Like

  19. A dog on a plane? My mind is boggling. Was it hand luggage? NO, no, don’t tell me. I’ll wait for the post.
    Hope you have a great time out there, Lame.

    Like

  20. I just flew back from SoCal myself and boy, are my arms tired. (http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot)

    Seriously, ladies and germs, I had a good time seeing grandkids and doing the 12 hour Disneyland marathon. Going out on JetBlue, there was a woman with a little dog in a carrier so I’d be interested to hear your story about the dog on the plane. Beats snakes on a plane, anyway. Welcome home!

    Like

  21. Hope you had a good Father’s Day weekend and that your dad enjoyed the gift. Ha! You made me laugh with your ” I’m still an actively horndog lesbian even while deep in middle age when I should have a kernel of dignity” line. That was too funny, and I so needed a laugh this week. Thank, bud.

    Like

    • Dear Old Dad loves the cover and appreciates that my tome is dotted with 44 images. Glad you liked the post from out West Guat. Maybe I’ll soon write another one now that I’m back in the East.

      Like

  22. You can never count on getting good internet (or use of good computers if you dare to leave home without one.) That’s why I love the autopost feature.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s