Lame Adventure 379: My Book, My Thoughts, Toddlers and Deer Butts

Before returning to regularly scheduled Lame Adventuring where I am making a spectacle of myself that excludes book plugging, I have noticed a significant hike in my book’s ranking in recent days. On Sunday, my  ranking on Amazon’s Best Seller list had sunk to a number that exceeded 700,000. When I last looked at my ranking today, it had [insert loud dry hacking cough sound effect here] soared to # 83,181.

Future pick up line: "Hey, baby, I'm #83,181."

Pick up line? “Hey, baby, I’m # 83,181.”

I attribute this rise to my devoted following of eleven (up from seven, but I suspect that two are spam bots), shout outs from several kind souls on the blogosphere and some of my nine followers on Facebook, The Bloggess’s endorsement, and maybe even an actual anonymous reader or two recommending my words of wackiness. Thank you one and all.

This improved ranking does not mean that my humble book has crashed Amazon’s web site. I am not that foolish to think such an absurd thought. My rank will probably sink back into the hundred thousandths, maybe into the millions within the next twenty minutes. At this learned stage in life, I am a realist. My thoughts tend to go in a more practical direction. For example, when I see a puddle on the subway platform, I consider if it’s from rain, spilled Mountain Dew, a fellow strap hanger’s urine or a possible combination of all three. When you’ve reached the age that I have, the age where if I were a dog, I could easily be dead three times naturally, and once prematurely, my patterns of thinking have no choice but to evolve. In fact, I wonder if there are people out there that are paid to think these types of thoughts. If there are, are they paid better than me and if so, is that job open and how can I apply? 

Returning to topic, it was enlightening to learn that there are now two items available on Amazon that visitors considering buying my book are looking at.

Customers other item views.

Customers other item views.

One is a well-received humor manual written by Bunmi Laditan that was published in May by Scribners: The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting. The other is dual purpose, a gadget with elusive charm as well as being quite a conversation piece amongst hunters, gatherers and very likely, copious imbibers: the Deer Rear with Bottle Opener.

Pop a cap here before reading my book.

Pop a cap here before reading my book.

When I first set out to write my book, I never imagined that I might have a shot at cornering the market with parents as well as those with an appreciation of deer anus bottle openers. Life is so unpredictable.

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120 responses to “Lame Adventure 379: My Book, My Thoughts, Toddlers and Deer Butts

  1. Well, where do we go from here? With all the behind the screen market tracking on the world wide interweb this undoubtedly says more about your readership than it does as about your writing credentials. I make this astute observation based on my indirect knowledge of your life as gleaned from your hilarious site. First, you are not producing any progeny at this dusty-utero time in your life. And given your general disposition toward those creatures shorter than 3 feet tall I don’t think your ready to adopt. And really, who would set up shop in your A/C deprived garret with a small fry with the hot, muggy months to come?

    What this does say about your book sales is that the treasured demographic (which we both have or will soon will have left) is agog about Lame Asventures. Now that is something to sing about. Yes the Gen Y, or millennium babies are hip to your jive. Maybe you can exploit this and do a couple of LA’s centered in the more ironic parts of Brooklyn. Can you say hipster?

    I also know that your just far away enough from Central Park not to concern yourself with deer butts or any part of their anatomy. If you we’re out in Glen Ridge, then maybe there’d be something to that. Then again, it’s the bottle opener part of the picture that DOES ring true.

    Finally, yeah I know you were hoping for that phrase, I was thinking about the ULTIMATE LA. I think you and Milton should gather up the proceeds from your book sales and rent (I realize they’re not going to allow you to buy) a car and take a cross country journey along that American thoroughfare known as US Rte. 80. I realize neither of you may not have a license but that can be fixed. Rte. 80 connects the two poles of your existential axis: NYC and SF. Think about the possibilities. A short, white Italian lesbian who is bicoastal touring the USA with a Nebraska born, gay Black man. Maybe you could option it to ABC or one of the many cable networks that have spawned hours upon hours of cringing television. Whaddya say?

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    • I say, do you open your beers via the anuses (or, if you prefer, ani, and yes, I just spent most of my lunch break researching that) of the deer in your back yard in Glen Ridge?

      Milton’s much more comfy holding a camera than being in front of one, but he’d be on board to have some guy 15 years his junior and buff playing him in a TV series. Naturally, I’m indifferent to whoever would play me provided it’s not a farm animal.

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  2. Okay how better juxtaposed are Robert’s and my comments?

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  3. Snoring Dog Studio

    This particular fan of LA and her adventures would NEVER own either of those items. It’s a totally random selection by Amazon, in keeping with your quirky sense of humor – sort of. I guess. Do you own one of those bottle openers?

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  4. I’m all for Mike’s idea. Swing through Arkansas and we’ll try to get you a book signing at Nightbird Books in Fayetteville. It’s a college town and they would be excited to have a NYC author on the premises.

    That’s the first deer butt I’ve seen with a beer opener. Most feature a doorbell button. Congratulations on finding one that’s actually practical. And kudos on the recent rise of your book’s popularity.

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    • Thanks for the kudos, Russell; you’ve been a big help down south!

      Milton and I on a road trip with me at the wheel (yes, I have a driver’s license that’s mostly used as i.d. at the airport)? That’s too scary for me. If only there was another subway line extending to Fayetteville, we’d be there in a heartbeat or maybe more like next Tuesday.

      I can envision deer butt doorbells because, you know, I’m very visionary that way.

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  5. Oh my …. sounds like a potential cooperative for an infomercial that Milton and you could host!

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  6. Networking! It really is amazing stuff, in the digital age. At my workplace, I’ve noticed a spike in Twitter followers every time I post something. Having posted several times in the past two or three weeks (several meaning, probably, 3) my work place Twitter page (is that the right word?) has picked up about 20 or so new followers. A several thousands percent increase in our numbers. I don’t understand it, except to heed the words of a friend who says people are sheep…But congrats to you, Lame Adventurer, on your increase in sales. I’m glad you did not have to be subjected to being beaten like a baby seal after all.

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  7. I laughed so hard, this brought tears to my eyes. What sick person would ever even think of making a deer butt bottle opener, much less, making and then selling it on Amazon? And then who would BUY it? I’m so sorry, V. (I’m still giggling and I’m so glad not to actually be in your presence because I could NOT say that with a straight face.) Congrats on the rise in ranking and may that show up as an increase in royalties as well!

    I will say, that, in many cases, I do pay attention to Amazon’s interesting and in many cases effective marketing – those “You might also like” or Those who viewed this also viewed that” but it’s much easier to draw a dotted line between your book and “The Honest Toddler” than that bottle opener. (still giggling.)

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    • Cathy, whoever likes that style of bottle opener is someone that might like my book, possibly because I am behaving like an orifice on the cover? In addition, parents with toddlers follow me as well possibly as an escape from the small fry although small fry do appear in my tales (“The ATM Incident”, “Subway Stories”). Lame Adventures casts a wide net. Who knew? AS for my personal choice in bottle opener, it’s a simple metal one I bought about 15 years ago on a tour of the Brooklyn Brewery. Now I’m thinking of alternative ways to open my bottles:

      http://www.deerrumpopener.com/

      Like

      • My bottle opener is the one on our great double-hinged corkscrew. multifunctional..

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        • When I’m really desperate I just use what’s left of my teeth.

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          • I’m really trying to save mine, so I guess I’d abstain… But fortunately I live in a town that is blessed with great microbreweries with lots of drafts – my favorite!

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            • Yes, I love microbrews, too, Cathy. I have a growler (a fancy name for a bottle with a flip top that makes a hiss when first opened) that I take to “Brew York City” up the street from my humble abode. That’s where I can get some very nice microbrew beer from all over the country fresh from the tap for about $5. The taps are changed every other day. It’s very convenient and saves me thousands in airfare to all the places I’ll probably never visit.

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              • Yes, we have growlers from our favorite breweries and they stay fresh surprisingly well! But maybe you’ll come visit Fort Collins sometime. As long as I promised you not to take you on a hike, I’m sure, you’d love the breweries. We’re even getting a new one that does hard cider…

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                • I’m open to hiking anyplace near an escalator. Yes, I am very fond of brewery tours, but I imagine we’d have to bring our own deer butt opener.

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                  • Or the mammal ass of one’s choice.

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                  • Yes. I’m not sure they’d allow it in New Belgium! And I know the president of the company. While she’s a great sport, that would probably cross the line!

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                    • Okay, so we’d leave it locked in your car, a Crossfire, right? That will surely revise its bringing sexy-back factor to something more like leaving sexy behind.

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                    • Okay, so I’m laughing again. There are some other breweries here who would probably like it, however, like Funkwerks (great Saisons) or Equinox (great IPAs). And I’d be willing to transport it in the back of the Crossfire…as long as it was covered.

                      One day I came out of Whole Foods and there were two women standing by my car, gazing through the hatchback. As I approached them, they turned to me and asked: “Can you get a dog in there?” I said, “Yes, I suppose so. Although I have cats.” So I guess we would have room for a Deer butt bottle opener.

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                    • I would love it if you, Peter, Milton, me, your cats, maybe even a cactus or two all pile into your Crossfire and go on a brew tour all over Fort Collins carrying a deer butt bottle opener. Every time the doors would open there would be all kinds of Marx Brother-type spillage but someone — anyone! — please hold onto the deer butt bottle opener!

                      Seriously, I like the name Funkwerks — kinda Bootsy Collins meets Goethe.

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                    • From The Doors to Parliament Funkadelic in a matter of minutes. Who was wearing the diaper on stage? Answer: Garry Shider.

                      http://www.google.com/search?q=parliament+funkadelic+diaper+man&client=safari&hl=en&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=DAmwUfufJpDl4APizIDYAw&ved=0CDAQsAQ&biw=320&bih=416

                      You’re welcome.

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                    • Now that image is some kind of not wonderful.

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                    • You brought up Bootsy. I am happily watching game 3 of the NHL Eastern Conference finals. Double OT 1-1 Bruins and Penguins.

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                    • You may not feel as happy tomorrow (that’s today now) when you’re crashing at your desk. But you’ll know how it feels to be me.

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                    • Great image! Maybe we ought to just settle for Peter’s Subaru Tribeca with all four of us and the bottle opener. It (the opener) would be safer that way. And yes, I love the blend – Bootsy Collins and Goethe. I wonder if the brewery founders thought of that? I’ll have to ask.

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                    • If they haven’t thought of it, but would like to use it, tell them they can and my fee is modest: buy my book.

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                    • Will do! Peter is working with them on a project for his Rotary Club – The Fort Collins Peach Festival in August- his job is to organize a Peach beer competition and Funkwerks is one of the breweries entered – along with six others. And if you’ve never had it, peach beer is awesome!

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                    • I like Magic Hat # 9 which tastes a bit apricot-y. As long as the fruitiness is subtle, I’m on board, but I once had a blueberry infused beer that I picked up at Trader Joe’s that I thought could easily double as a pancake topping.

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                    • I think some fruit flavors work better than others. Peach is nice and light and blends well with the barley/hops flavor. I think blueberry would be more like a pancake topping or cough syrup depending on how fruit forward it was. I do like some raspberry beers, but I would say that peach is my favorite. The winner for last year’s Peach Festival competition was a great, microbrewery called Pateros Creek and they came with a peach porter. It was really smooth. You could taste the peach, but the porter flavor really came through and nicely complimented the peach.

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                    • Should I not be present at the festival this year, I do hope you’ll take photographs! I’d be willing to try whatever brews you recommend.

                      It is now time for me to get my average looks rest.

                      To be continued on your site or back here. Have a good one, Cathy!

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  8. I was going to buy your book, but then I saw that awesome Bambi-Back Bottle Buster and I knew THAT’s where my kids’ college money had to go. I need something to open my bottles of Heineken and Corona (both of which tie in nicely with your mysterious puddle of fluid in the subway).

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  9. writerwendyreid

    I carry your book around in my purse and read it whenever I have to wait around. I almost spit up my coffee when i read the muffin story. I can’t believe that you were actually going to give it away after going to so much trouble to get it. 😛

    Like

  10. Cool about the Bloggess. I could never get into her stuff, but I’m glad she digs you! She’s doing something right!

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  11. Darn! I’ve never gotten EITHER of those from people looking at MY book! I’m jealous! :>

    Re ranking numbers: When someone buys a book they’ll pop up to about 40,000, and then quickly descend over the next few hours toward 100,000. By the following day they’ll be heading toward 200,000, and if no one buys a copy for a week or so they’ll get up toward a million.

    Even if your book is ranked at a million though, you’re still doing better than more than 90% of what’s out there. Check out the ranking on this book:

    http://www.amazon.com/How-Get-More-Fun-Smoking/dp/B000O1RIQO

    LOL!

    :>
    MJM

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    • So moral of story MJM: get someone to buy your book hourly, if not daily. We’re looking at 168 books a week. Not exactly a Stephen King-type selling figure … but for me, it’s like climbing Everest.

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      • Actually, Amazon’s algorithm seems to be some sort of weird combination of total sales, length of time on the market, and recency of sale. I’d guess that if you sell more than a couple of on Azon that you’d rarely dip below the 500,000 ranking even if you fell out of favor for weeks at a time. It’s a bit hard to tell, even with older books, because the rankings are different for each different version/edition. So if someone just republished Tarzan of the Apes and it didn’t sell real well its ranking would suck… despite a long and glorious history of sales for the story.

        – MJM

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        • Sorry… that SHOULD have read, “if you sell more than a couple of THOUSAND…”

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          • Thanks a lot for this helpful feedback MJM. It’s too early to tell if I’ll be able to sell a couple of thousand, but I am a believer that anything is possible in Lame Adventures-land. Hey, when I started writing this blog, I never thought anyone other than my posse and my sister would read it, so I know that anything is possible on the blogosphere once word of mouth gets out. Word of mouth really is my brand’s best friend next to Milton.

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  12. I’m sitting here with a copy of Lame Adventures (the book) in my hands and I feel so hip. I’m going to read it on the subway tomorrow and hold it up prominently. Hopefully it won’t cause your ranking to sink.

    How great to get a shout out from The Bloggess!

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  13. Don’t judge, but that’s exactly how I came to purchase your book.

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  14. The other book in the set .is ” Helping Your Toddler Come to Terms with his Deer-like Anus” Comes with a free DVD

    Like

  15. 99 bucks for the deer butt bottle opener?
    That better be more than a bottle opener if you know what I mean.
    I have yet to buy your book and 2 more.
    Not wanting to make this comment about me but making it, we fire my assistant, so now I’m doing all, never underestimate your assistant even if you think they are useless, they work as a filter, now my filter is gone, I’m like planet earth without the ozone layer.
    I’ll buy your book this weekend, I promise.

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  16. Congrats on the ranking spike! Thank you MJM for the enlightening perspective on Amazon ranking algorithms. Ditto, mostly, Mike G’s essay here, and appreciated as juxtaposed with the word from Robert.

    Indeed, V., what if we were paid for thinking as we do — we’d be so financially set we needn’t be concerned about book sales.

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  17. V, you’ve definitely got the market cornered. I’m not sure what market that may be, but perhaps you have avid readers who are parents and may or may not need an anus opener. Maybe that last bit tangentially refers to yoga. These days, who knows? Being a parent, I’m sure I’m a bit tighter in ways previously unknown to me.

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    • I’m trying not to bite my tongue too hard. But that last note was simply SO WRONG that I think I have fallen in love with you.

      Like

    • Tania, thank you for sharing this insight about who might be reading my book, parenthood and how offspring may facilitate the tightness factor of the anal cavity (something that seems to have struck quite a chord with your new #1 fan, veteran LA commenter, Mike G).

      Like

      • I think I just put myself in the deep end of the pool and forgot my water wings.

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        • This site’s one big commenting party — or race since running is your thing Tania. You’re doing a fine job holding your own, well on the way to crossing the finish line here in record time, like I could possibly know what I’m talking about running-wise. But, I’m still pretty good at sprinting for the train right before the doors close. Only once did I get caught in them. That was a few years before I started writing this site. Closing doors really hurt. I felt close to sliced and diced.

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          • You have my envy — first the great posts, then the commenting party, and then the sprint finishes! I often thought that train doors closing were kinda like elevator doors — you know how they bump up against you and kindly re-open? I’m gathering now that this is not so true. Thanks for taking one for the team. I’ll be sure to be either ON or OFF the train when doors are closing – or at least not to damage my feet in the process.

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        • Have no fear Tania, the deep end in this pool is less than 15 inches.

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  18. You realize, though, that you now have to purchase that deer butt bottle opener for yourself. Amazon has decided the two of your are inseparable.

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  19. Oh, honey. The deer butt bottle opener is de rigueur here in Texas. It goes along with the armadillo vagina dental floss dispenser. All the beautiful people have them.

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  20. I fear the deer butt viewing was me, Dear V. I blame Facebook and all of it’s time wasting capability. Good news though, I never have to look for an opener again and I always have something to talk about with new guests.

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    • Jen, I initially mis-read this comment as “I fear the deer butt viewing me”. So you’re the culprit! Some of the comments about the deer butt on Amazon are rather inspired. Depending on the crowd, it has the potential to be quite a pleaser.

      Like

  21. Look on the bright side, Lame at least it wasn’t a dog rear bottle opener. Eeeeeew.

    Like

  22. Nothing like mammal ass to push moments section over the century mark. What an enlightened readership we comprise.

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  23. Comments, not moments. iPad iPhuckup.

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  24. Unrelated thought with no appropriate venue, but the guy from the State Farm commercial talking to Jake at 3 in the morning and wife thinks he’s talking to a woman: is he the love child of Vince Vaughn and Jason Segel?

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  25. Gurl I ain’t know you had a book! I want one I want one! Congratulations on your stats! With The Bloggess on your side — heyy! Have a great weekend!

    Like

  26. You can’t get much lamer than a deer-butt bottle opener! Party guest of owner of such apparatus: “This bottle was just up a deer’s butt and now I’m going to drink it. mmmm.” —- I think not.

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  27. LB, I don’t know if it qualifies as “lamer” but I’d say I’ve got one that’s just about as lame. When my WW2 era uncle died a few years ago he had many tons of knicknacks left in his house, some of which found their way down to my house. One of them was a wooden Hula Girl from Hawaii whose legs opened and closed to serve as a nutcracker.

    Maybe not QUITE a deer-butt bottle-opener… but close!

    :>
    MJM

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  28. i’ve been remiss in reading, sugar, but in my defense, it HAS been a tad busy down heah on the plantation! i was about to order from barnes & noble, along with some other books, but after reading this, i’ll be ordering my book today from amazon. all the best to you! xoxox

    Like

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