Tag Archives: Law & Order

Lame Adventure 48: The Real Reason Why Law & Order was Cancelled – the Elaine Jinx?

After work one day last month, I was yogurt shopping in Fairway.  My cell phone was on vibrate and buried deep in the pocket of my baggy chinos.  A long hand-truck filled with stacks of cardboard trays of more yogurts was parked outside the dairy case.  Additional stacks of yogurt trays were piled three feet high on the floor.  Clearly I had arrived at the dairy case in the middle of the Let’s Torment the Customers with a Yogurt Obstacle Course, as De Sade, the Yogurt Shelf Stocker, had vacated his post for a break, probably his dinner hour.

My preferred brand of yogurt, Brown Cow, had already been restocked, but the stacks of cardboard trays of other brands were completely blockading the aisle in front of the Brown Cow shelves.  Therefore, I had to strategically stretch over the wide and deep columns of yogurt to reach my cup of maple flavored Brown Cow.

A flavor so good it's worth a pulled muscle.

As I was doing this, my cell phone dipped deeper into my pocket closing in on a very sensitive area of my anatomy that is normally dormant when I am near Fairway’s dairy case.  Just as I was impersonating Elastigirl my cell phone started vibrating dangerously close to that very sensitive area of my anatomy.  As a result I began to suffer a genuine moment of unwanted intimate pleasure in this punishing environment that patrons consider the antithesis of ecstasy (see Lame Adventure 15: Like No Other Market).

The caller was my friend and colleague, Elaine, my company’s Marketing Director.  Her call was unexpected since I had just seen her half an hour earlier when I said good night.

Me (deep groan):  Hey.

Elaine:  You sound odd.

Me: I’m shopping in Fairway.  What’s up?

Elaine:  I want you to know that I just spoke to Elsbeth.  I gave her a one-month notice.  I’ve decided to move back to the UK.  She started crying.  Then I started crying.

Me:  Jesus!  And Elsbeth was in such a good mood today.

Elaine:  Funnily enough, I shattered that … You know, you really do sound quite peculiar, like you were strangely exerting yourself.

Me:  If you must know, I was subject to inadvertent foreplay due to your phone call.

Elaine:  I never knew I had that kind of affect on you.  At my age, that’s flattering.

Me (annoyed):  My phone was on vibrate.  It was more like Abu Ghraib.  Why the hell are you quitting?

Elaine:  You know my dad’s been ill, and my mother’s daft.  I have to spend more time over there.

Me (light bulb):  Did it occur to you that you’re not going to be able to see Law & Order next season?

Elaine (horrified):  You’re right!  I didn’t think of that!  They don’t have cable in Banbury!  What am I going to do?

Me:  Tomorrow, rescind your resignation!  Elsbeth will be thrilled and all will be right in the world again.

Elaine:  I can’t!  I’ve booked passage on the Queen Mary.  I’m sailing June 7th!

Me (foiled):  Guess you could always follow it on Hulu when you’re back over there.  Does Banbury have Internet?

Elaine:  Yes!  What a relief!

Elaine is a HUGE Law & Order fan, so when word leaked that it was being cancelled last Thursday and then it was confirmed on Friday that the rumor was true, she was devastated.  I’ve never watched that show once in the twenty years it’s been airing, but rarely have I opened a Playbill and not seen at least one cast member with a credit on that show or one of its spin-offs, it’s such a staple for actors working in New York.  The Quiet Man told us that he has a friend who was on it five times, usually playing a thug.  Last fall, L, a former colleague, was certain that she saw an actor-friend of mine on it, and was thrilled to see she was working, even if the role was only that of a corpse.  According to The New York Times, the demise of this show is going to leave a gaping hole in the Big Apple’s economy:

“Katherine Oliver, the commissioner of the Mayor’s Office of Film, Theater and Broadcasting, said that every year the show provided jobs to about 4,000 people, including one-day acting roles. Its spending totaled about $79 million annually, she said, including things like coffee and bagels, boom microphones and duct tape. During its 20-year run, that impact amounted to as much as $1 billion or more, she said.”

That’s a lot of bagels, duct tape and she said(s).

A few weeks before Elaine gave notice, one of her fellow British friends who is friends with Linus Roache, asked Linus if it would be possible for Elaine to visit the Law & Order set, whether the friend played up or down Elaine’s devotion bordering on fanaticism for the show, I do not know.  I do know that Linus was instrumental in making this visit happen for Elaine.  As it turned out, her visit was on April 14th, the day that Law & Order wrapped camera for what we now know was the very last time.  Elaine thinks she might have jinxed the show, but I suspect that her karma is so healthy, that visit on that historical day in the show’s history was her reward for being such a terrific friend and colleague.


Elaine and her hero, Executive ADA, Michael Cutter.

Elaine paling around with ADA Connie Rubirosa.

Elaine making herself at home on the set.

Elaine playing with props.

Elaine in disbelief standing next to Executive ADA Jack McCoy.

Lame Adventure 25: Suffering the Stupids

Elsbeth calls me into her office to assist her in writing six emails of a confidential tile-related nature.  I will reveal that if there are three words in the English language that could compel my boss to go Ninja in a nanosecond, blue, pink and green would be the winners these days.   As we are writing and rewriting, Elaine, our Marketing Director, pops in and announces, “Sharon Stone is in the showroom!”  I joke sarcastically, “Hold me back!”  Then, I return my attention to the task at hand.

Elsbeth says, “If you want to go down there to see her, go ahead.”  I say, “Nah, let’s get this over with.”  Elsbeth insists – note, insists, “Are you sure?  Go down there.  We’ll finish this when you return.”  I repeat, “Nah, let’s get this over with.”

Yes, my boss twice suggested I stargaze and twice I said, “Nah, let’s get this over with.”

If I worked for a horrible boss, somebody life-sucking, demeaning and hateful, I could scream, “That goddamn bitch kept me tied to my chair while Sharon Stone was lying on the floor in our showroom looking at a mountain of tile I invested years of my life labeling while paparazzi were staked outside!  How fucked up is that?  This was a gift from the gods blogpost, but I got screwed because I work for Satan!  My boss is ruining my life!”

No, I can’t say any of that.  Elsbeth probably wanted to see her herself, but since we were working, she was hoping I would be inclined to say, “Sure! Let’s both go, Boss!”  In fact, if I had a single functioning brain cell at that moment, maybe, just maybe, I could have compelled Elsbeth, who could be a professional photographer, to have taken the gotcha! shot of the year for my blog, but what do I do?

I suffer the stupids!

Possibly, Elsbeth would have said in response to my photograph request, “Are you out of your mind?  She’s a customer.  I’m the owner!  Do you want us to lose business?”  Therefore, I could have asked Greg, my sidekick, to take that gotcha! shot for me.  Afterward, as I am flogging myself numb over this, Greg – who had no idea that Sharon Stone was in the building — says, “Sure, I would have done it – had you asked.”

Determined to bring my masochism to the next level of humiliation, the final one being writing this post, I reveal to Milton that Sharon Stone visited the showroom today.  He’s thrilled and gushes, “How did she look?”  I grimace, and admit, “I didn’t see her.  Elaine told me about it … Elsbeth even encouraged me to check her out.”  Milton looks horrified, “Why didn’t you do it?”  Lamely, I admit, “I was thinking about tile.”  <sigh>

Sharon Stone while filming "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" near my place of employ.