Lame Adventure 179: Insult in a Tube

A creature of habit, I have brushed my teeth at least twice daily ever since early childhood.  My brother, Axel, liked to say that I shot off my mouth so much, I must have brushed with gunpowder.  When I was a small fry, my toothpaste of choice was my mother’s, Crest.  In my teen years I switched to Colgate because Axel bought into the myth that Crest’s parent company, Proctor & Gamble, was linked to the Church of Satan due to a controversy surrounding P&G’s former logo.

Devil worshipper logo?

Looking back I now think that links to the devil would have inspired heathens like Axel and I to not only continue brushing with Crest but to purchase P&G stock.  In the early 2000’s I went granola and switched to Tom’s of Maine because my then dentist, when I had dental coverage, suggested it would help me hang onto my remaining natural teeth longer.  It has thus far.

Unfortunately, in 2006, 84% of Tom’s was bought out by Colgate-Palmolive to the tune of $100,000,000 and it’s been downhill ever since as they scramble to make massive profits.  Once Tom’s was taken over by this corporate behemoth, the packaging has gotten flashier but the product within has been steadily shrinking.  What used to be a 6-ounce tube was gradually reduced to 5.5 ounces.

The good old days of Toms ... February 2011.

Much to my horror, when I went to the store on Monday to buy my most recent tube of Tom’s the packaging had shrunk an additional  8/10 of an ounce to a paltry 4.7 ounces.

The incredible shrinking toothpaste.

At this rate of 1.5-ounce reduction every three years, a tube of Tom’s should be reduced to approximately a .2-ounce size by the year 2020.  The approximate $5 price per tube continues to hold steady.  How considerate.

One of corporate America’s favorite ways to bitch-slap the consumer is to repackage less product for the same price, so the allegedly unknowing spending fool is paying more for less as the fat cats in charge just get fatter.  Tom’s spins itself as being a healthier product that’s good for both the user and the environment, even though since it was taken over by a cluster of greedy suits in a boardroom, it is now one of the biggest poster children representing the worst of transparent corporate greed.  The board of directors at Tom’s may not worship Satan, but they’re influenced by a far worse devil that’s forever ripping off the consumer and making record profits, big oil.

Tom’s web site boasts a ten-page “Find Answers” section where they discuss everything from if the stock is publicly traded to does the new tube signal a formula change.  Nowhere is the question addressed about why the product is continually shrinking but it still costs the same.  Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to ask and answer this question with Tom’s mint-flavored spin.

Why do you keep decreasing your tube size and not your price?

Our decreased tube size gave us the opportunity to improve the amount of space inside our recycled cardboard box to better meet our consumer needs!  The toothpaste inside all of our decreased tubes still delivers the same great brushing experience you have come to expect from Tom’s of Maine.  Nothing else in the formula has changed, just the size.  Enjoy less as you pay more you tree hugging sucker.

A tool of corporate greed, Sheryl Crow. My hero(ine), Patti Smith, probably would have told them to perch on it had they asked her.

Lame Adventure 178: Breaking Up

Milton and I recently saw the Broadway debut of a play written by one of my favorite playwrights, Stephen Adly Guirgis, The Motherfucker With the Hat.  It’s a dramatic comedy about Jackie, an addict in recovery who is certain that his longtime girlfriend, Veronica, has cheated on him, but before falling off the wagon he confesses his woes about his relationship to his sponsor, Ralph.  Bobby Cannavale, at the top of his game, plays Jackie, Chris Rock, in a solid Broadway debut is Ralph, and Elizabeth Rodriguez, a member of the LAByrinth Theater Company (where Guirgis is co-artistic director with Yul Vázquez) is spot-on as cynical recovery-averse Veronica.  Film veteran Annabella Sciorra effectively plays Victoria, Ralph’s unhappy wife, and Yul Vázquez, rounds out the excellent cast as Cousin Julio, Jackie’s wise cousin.

A slightly problematic title to advertise publicly.

I loved it.  Milton did not.  I thought it was a thoughtfully written piece with brilliant dialogue and plot twists throughout about how we perceive ourselves to others, how we deceive others, and how we have philosophies that often conflict with others that get us through life, “one day at a time.”   Milton disagreed.  He thought:

Milton (thinking out loud):  It was about nothing.

If this fast moving, wonderfully written play is not considered a homerun, in my opinion, it was at least a triple that scored the game-winning run.

Note:  Milton loathes baseball.

Possibly the title of this post might imply that Milton and I have suffered a friendship-ending argument following this play.  We had nothing of the sort. Who I finally did get around to dumping was my flabby, freeloading longtime cell phone carrier, AT & T, for buff, “I’m there for you baby” newcomer (for me) Verizon.

Ancient Cingular (now AT &T) hunk of junk cell phone on left. Svelte new Verizon cell phone on right.

I was under the false impression that Verizon, what I always assumed was the Cadillac of cell phone service, was out of my league.  I thought it would cost me more, offer fewer perks, and only carry smart phones, a gadget I cannot afford on my measly laugh-out-loud wages.  When my rent increased last fall, I was forced to disconnect my landline of 27 years.  Psychologically, sacrificing my 212 area code was demoralizing, but saving that extra $600 a year eased my financial pain.  Yet, my ancient cell phone had given me a new source of mental anguish.

When I tried to make calls from home on my AT & T dumb phone, it often took up to four tries before I could get a signal.  Usually, when I did get a signal on my AT & T dumb phone, the call would drop.  My 84 year old father, who has a heart condition, and considering the fact that he is 84 makes any issue with any organ including a wart on his thumb a serious issue, has complained to me about having to call up to three times to get through.  The last thing I need hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles is the idea that my crummy cell phone might expedite my dear old dad buying his rainbow.

While dining in a noisy restaurant a few weeks ago with Coco, I needed to make a call.  She let me use her Verizon iPhone and that was when I had my Verizon epiphany.  I decided that somehow, some way, I was going to make the switch.  When my AT & T service for the month was a day away from completion, I entered my neighborhood Verizon wireless store, explained to Angel, the very helpful customer service rep, that I only use my phone for talking and texting, and what I could afford to pay.  Within an hour he had given me a free Samsung dumb phone (that is smart phone capable), and the same package of minutes and texting that I had before for what I was paying with AT & T.

Qwerty keyboard. Sweet!

Verizon may not have rollover minutes, but I never used a single one of my AT & T rollover minutes so I did not care about that.  What I do care about is reception and dropped calls in my apartment.  Both problems are now eliminated.  Joy.

Recently I received an email notification from AT & T the Jilted about my final bill:

AT & T love letter. Click on image to enlarge.

Meanwhile, I’m still familiarizing myself with my new dumb phone. The one thing I have not been able to figure out is how to shut it off.  This was a concern during the play, but I know how to silent it, so I buried it deep in my satchel.  Before curtain, I made Milton test call me.  It didn’t ring, but it did vibrate, so I had a quick foot massage before the play began.

Lame Adventure 177: Soft-core Porn 67 Years in the Making

It was a chilly and rainy night, perfect to stay indoors and read The New York Times online.  I have had a lifelong affinity for animation, so I was delighted to see that there was a feature about Shamus Culhane, who was the lead animator on the famous “Heigh-Ho” sequence in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

My colleagues and I singing, "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, off to lowly paid hell we go."

This article did not dwell on Culhane’s contribution to this classic Disney film. Instead, it focused on the avant-garde images that he inserted into Woody Woodpecker cartoons he directed in the 1940s.  Tom Klein, a Loyola Marymount University animation professor, did the sleuthing where he detected that “Culhane essentially ‘hid’ his artful excursions in plain sight, letting them rush past too rapidly for the notice of most of his audience.”  Klein has published his findings in the March issue of Animation: An Interdisciplinary Journal, titled “Woody Abstracted: Film Experiments in the Cartoons of Shamus Culhane.”

John Gilbert meet Amadeo Modigliani meet Errol Flynn: Shamus Culhane in 1932 when he was in his early twenties.

To illustrate the extent of Culhane’s unique style of artistry, the article includes hyperlinks to some of these Woody Woodpecker cartoons showcasing his abstract images.  I particularly liked the excerpt from The Loose Nut that shows Woody driving a steamroller through a doorway where the explosion of colors is shown in both real time and then in slow motion highlighting the abstract art aspect.

Now you see Woody ...

Now you don't.

Captivated, I clicked on every link.

Towards the end of the article, it’s mentioned that the shorts Culhane directed for Walter Lantz’s studio were more remembered for their visual humor.

“In 1944 he collaborated with the layout artist Art Heinemann on “The Greatest Man in Siam.” In it the Fastest Man in Siam bolts past doorways that are distinctly phallic in shape and peers at another that mimics a vagina.”

First I thought, “Huh?”

Subtle.

I next thought, “Where’s the link to that cartoon?”

It’s here, and even though it was made in 1944, it must still be too risqué for The New York Times online.  Fortunately, Lame Adventures has no standards.  Enjoy.

Lame Adventure 176: New Season, New Sneakers

Today is Monday.  The forecast looks very good with temperatures reaching close to 80.  This is the first day in 2011 I will not wear corduroy, denim, down, or my trademark motorcycle boots.

I will come to the office clad in a wet suit and swim fins.

Actually, as the weather warms, I will switch gears to lighter weight cotton and my other trademark, my Jack Purcell sneakers.  Unlike my female friends, I am a creature of repeated sartorial habits year in and year out, another word for my personal style that is anti-style.  Women never compliment what I wear, but often guys do, and not because they think what I wear is smoking hot, but because they see themselves wearing what I wear.  My taste in clothes is straight out of the Larry David Collection.

My fashion guru. What's not to like?

As with many people with little taste in clothes I am borderline insane when it comes to sneakers.  My sneaker of choice is the Jack Purcell, designed in 1935 by the Canadian world champion badminton player, named yes, Jack Purcell.

Jack Purcell, badminton dynamo.

Therefore, my sneakers are technically badminton shoes.  Badminton is a sport I know next to nothing about other than it’s played with what looks like dwarf tennis rackets used to smack shuttlecocks.  I seem to recall getting countless toy badminton rackets with plastic shuttlecocks as well as croquet mallets as a kid.  I was infinitely more interested in football and baseball, so I left this plethora of obscure sports toys in a pile.  Looking back, my mother probably saw the $3 price of a baseball bat and compared it to the pile of on sale $1 shuttlecocks and reasoned:

My Mother Reasoning: Let’s save ourselves two bucks and get her the shuttlecock.  She’ll never know the difference.

This is a precise illustration of what my mother thought of any of my actual interests.  Possibly, in a moment of motherly delusion, she envisioned me playing a graceful game of shuttlecock in a flannel gown with my sister, Dovima, and a third female, a nice dull drone of her choosing, not anything like the foul mouth, smart, tough chicks I’ve been drawn to like metal to magnet my entire life.

My mother's two fantasy daughters and possibly my brother in drag.

Meanwhile, with scenes of gentility playing on the Viewmaster in my mother’s head, the real me was aggressively whacking golf balls off the walls throughout our house with a rusty discarded five iron my father found in the bushes during a golf outing that doubled as a business meeting.  My demanding mother and grandmother forbade my natural athlete father from playing golf, but they had no control of what he did in the bushes.  He was free to find balls and clubs for my playmate, my brother, Axel, the mastermind that designed a golf course out of the layout of our home, and me.

The bathroom was the sand trap.

My mother, coincidentally, was the consummate clotheshorse and the most perfectly coiffed, made up, and put together person this side of Grace Kelly.  Imagine her dismay had she lived long enough to know that the fruit of her loins is a Larry David Collection acolyte.  Something I did inherit from my mother was a penchant for quality.  She instilled in me, “Don’t buy crap.”

With spring approaching, I needed a new pair of Jack Purcells and was going to apply some of my tax return funds in this direction.  What I wanted was shoes in brown leather, but apparently, that model has been discontinued.  Dismayed, I checked out the Jack Purcell web site and much to my delight found the “Design Your Own” option allowing the customer to design his or her own sneaker in cloth for $70 or leather for $75.  Leather color choices included brown.

Therefore, with a few computer clicks I was able to create the boring sneaker of my dreams.  A sneaker worthy of the Larry David Collection.

Anticipation!

Upon opening the box, I was briefly overwhelmed by a toxic chemical smell that was so strong I momentarily blacked out, but fortunately, I keep my window open all year round, so the smell quickly dissipated and I regained consciousness.

Ta da!

They left off your blandness.

Gun boats!

Lame Adventure 175: Reliable Annoyances

After toiling the better part of four months over the course of eighteen primarily misspent years completing my latest screenplay, I shared my opus with a cluster of my nearest and dearest writer-friends – Milton, Albee, Lola and Coco.  The guys were swift and thorough with their feedback.  Lola read it quickly, too, but was inundated with work before leaving for Latin America on a business trip, so we’ll discuss it when she returns later this month.  Coco, who by nature is one of the most reliable people I know of any gender, had it for more than a week before she got around to reading it.  I could not understand what was taking her so long, but I think it’s misguided to pressure a friend to extend herself.  Yet, on the night when she was compelled to email me a picture of her dinner, I heavily hinted at my annoyance in her taking upwards of a week to slog through my masterpiece.

Coco's dinner.

I warmly emailed her back this response to her salad, “You’re dead to me.”

My pal completely redeemed herself when she proceeded to read my script not once, but twice that evening.  Now with a magic number of Belvedere martinis (with olives) sloshing in her gullet, my favorite overachiever has learned to recite page 73 in its entirety both forward and back.

The other day at work we had a routine sample tile delivery.  Our shipping manager, Cedric, delivered the box to my sidekick, Greg.  Cedric told me that we had a tile delivery in the name of our boss, Elsbeth.  Then, Greg opened the box, and removed the tile samples.  I entered Greg’s warehouse to inspect the samples.  My eyeballing the samples is the final step in our routine before I proceed to notify Elsbeth that samples have arrived and Greg has laid them out for her review.

Having just ingested sixteen ounces of strong black tea, I decided that I would first relieve myself before beckoning for The Boss to grace us with her presence.  I enter our restroom, turn on the light and see this site:

How do you use this contraption? Where do you plug it in?

Now, not only do I have to empty my bladder as voluminously as a racehorse, but I also have to return to my desk, get my camera and photograph this reliable annoyance.  I know that all of my colleagues have both the capacity and the energy to replace both the toilet paper and the paper towels, since I have personally incorporated that function in our job descriptions.  As I head back to the office cursing the evil bathroom elf, I hear Greg cursing, too.  I wonder:

Me (wondering):  What’s set him off?

Then, I see his reliable annoyance, but at least he has the satisfaction of knowing that it was he that accidentally created this mishap himself.

Filled to the brim with overturned packing peanuts.

The bathroom tissue scofflaw remains on the loose.  How reliably annoying.

Greg rage.

Lame Adventure 174: Rough Sex

Since I am not inclined to conduct a poll, but I have a very fertile imagination, possibly the last fertile aspect of my being, I will guess that most New Yorkers, and by most New Yorkers, I am zeroing in on the five boroughs, because I frequent upstate about as often as I do the Arctic, and until recently I would have gladly excluded Staten Island, until one of my subscribers, Beckyyk, a rather promising blogger, happens to hail from that locale forcing me to expand my narrow mind, would have skeptically assumed that the Empire state bird is the pigeon.   I suggest, “skeptically assumed” because New Yorkers might be thinking in the backs of their heads:

New Yorkers thinking en masse:  Can that possibly be right?

Since Lame Adventures is an unreliable source of educational spewing, no, it’s not.  New York actually has two things in common with Missouri.  The first is good help.  In early 2010, my boss, Elsbeth, at my urging, imported my sidekick, Greg, from St. Louis.  We had interviewed him the previous summer, so when we had a vacancy in February 2010, he immediately came to my mind.  The fact that I had a scintilla of recollection of a straight young guy at all, much less more than six months after meeting him, so stunned Elsbeth, she said:

Elsbeth:  Call him.  Hire him.  Declare a holiday.

Coincidentally, Greg’s birth-state bird happens to be the same as New York’s, the bluebird.   Over the weekend, I saw a bluebird in the garden near my building, and I thought:

Me (thinking):  Hello, little first bluebird of spring!

I then took this photograph.

I get my spots from my father, too.

And had a sudden hankering for squab.

Recently, late in the day while at work, Greg entered the office from his warehouse.  He interrupted my favorite pastime, clock watching, when he announced:

Greg:  Two pigeons are really going at it on the air conditioner!  It’s like a rape.

In response I grabbed my camera and entered the warehouse where indeed nature was taking a very loud, ferocious, feather-flapping course right outside the window atop the AC.  I highly regretted not having my Flip video at the ready and equally regretted being too burned out at that hour to recall I can also shoot video on my Canon digital camera.

I've got you cornered, now!

Get back over here!

Does my wing span excite you, baby?

You'll like this position, I dive off this wire into you.

Do you have a cigarette?

This week, Greg announced that George and Martha have resumed their romance in their boudoir atop our turd-encrusted AC.  He reported to me that they appear to have worked out their differences, or maybe George saw daylight and realized that poking Martha repeatedly in the head with his beak is not the foreplay technique that revs her engine.  Take it away, Otis!

Lame Adventure 172: The Burden of Bearing Bad News

Shortly after I arrived at work on Wednesday, Greg, my sidekick, told me that he just heard on the radio that Elizabeth Taylor had died.  I waited about an hour before casually mentioning it to Ling and our boss, Elsbeth.  Neither of them knew and both felt a twinge of sadness for the passing of this Hollywood legend.

12-year-old Liz with the original Lassie in 1944.

The only others I would be inclined to tell would be Milton and Coco.

In the case of Coco, one of her minions is a chap that’s so gay, he is practically the rainbow flag on feet.  I deduced that he was a likely source of spreading this news her way.  If not, she doesn’t live under a rock so she could have easily figured it out for herself a million other ways from taking a glance at CNN on her iPhone or overhearing someone talking about it at work since her desk is right next to the bathroom.  It seemed highly likely that when someone was not asphyxiating her with a heavy finger on the Oust, she could just have easily overheard someone talking about this event.  Therefore, instinct told me that Coco knowing was not a problem.

Yet Milton … That had potential problem written all over it.

Whenever there is the “bring out your dead” segment at an awards show, Milton often remarks how he was unaware that someone had died, and I will say:

Me:  You didn’t know that [insert name of dead person] died?

Milton:  No, I didn’t.  You did?

Me:  Yeah.

Milton:  Where was I?  How did I miss that?

It’s simple.  I read the obits.  Milton doesn’t.

Unlike my grandmother who was the type that would shout from the rooftop the second she heard that anyone had kicked, I always found her exuberance as Allan Greenspan would say, irrational. I am glad that a guy as subdued as Greg told me about ET this morning.  He knows when news is big whereas my grandmother would have made a career out of being the blatherer of bad news 24/7 if she could. She lived to talk about who died daily; even if it was someone she had never heard of in her life such as Terry Kath, a member of the band Chicago.  Since she knew I was a huge music fan she thought she had reeled in a fat fish of disappointment for me when she told me he had committed suicide.  I tossed that fish right back at her when I said:

Me: I’m not into that band. I have no idea who that guy is.

I later learned that he did the guitar solo in their hit 25 or 6 to 4.

This is not from my 45 collection.

I have no idea what that song is about.  I have never owned a Chicago record in my life.

Yet, I knew that Liz Taylor checking out would be monumental to Milton, but I was hoping that somehow he’d find out through someone else or Facebook.  After a few hours I forwarded him her obit in The New York Times and by then everyone else he knew had contacted him.  I felt immense relief.

That evening Milton met me as I was leaving work.  He had spent the weekend integrating New Hampshire, so I asked him how his trip went.  This was the first time he had flown in a plane since the nineties.  He enjoyed seeing his friends, but was apoplectic over the aircraft, describing it as follows:

Milton:  It was so small; it couldn’t even fit Diana Ross’s luggage.

Me:  It was a propeller plane, right?

Milton:  It was a propeller plane!

Me:  Albee told me that.

Milton:  Albee knew I would be flying on a propeller plane and you didn’t tell me!

Me:  He told me I shouldn’t tell you because then you’d probably cancel your trip.

Milton:  Yes, I would have canceled had I known I would be flying in a propeller plane!

Thanks to Albee urging me to keep the bad news about Milton’s first flight a secret, coupled with Milton surviving that flight, Milton has a new appreciation for jets and might actually fly again in less than fifteen years.  Maybe he’ll even fly to wherever Liz is buried to eat a donut in her honor at her grave.  As Joan Rivers once quipped about Liz’s frequently high weight once she reached her middle years,”Is Elizabeth Taylor fat?  Her favorite food is seconds.”  On Wednesday, Joan was Tweeting about feeling as lousy as the rest of us knowing that Liz is gone.

Lame Adventure 171: Everything’s under control, we’re high!

While Elsbeth, my leader, was lost attending a tile trade show in Las Vegas earlier this week, I was left behind overseeing the troops in my low-key, conflict-free, hands-off, don’t-give-a-crap-unless-I-really-must-take-action style because:

a) This stupid thing you’re doing could lead to bodily harm – mine or yours.

b) This stupid thing you’re doing could lead to a lawsuit and since I’m a lot older than you and far less employable, I need this gig so don’t screw it up for the rest of us.

On Monday, Ling, Greg and I shared the following exchange while I observed The Quiet Man’s empty desk:

Me:  Is The Quiet Man here?

Ling: No, not yet.

Me:  Did he call out sick?

Ling:  He didn’t call me.

Greg:  He didn’t call me.

Me (looking at my unlit voicemail sign):  He didn’t call me.

Greg:  What do we do?

I pondered this question short and soft:

Me: Nothing.  Maybe he’ll show up tomorrow.

He did.  When Greg asked me why The Quiet Man was not in on Monday, I said:

Me:  I don’t know.  If you’re that curious, ask him.

Greg didn’t.  I reasoned that if The Quiet Man had a sore throat, or was pleasuring himself with a live chicken, or if it was some combination of the two, it was off site and none of our business.

Possibly to celebrate the advent of The Quiet Man returning to The Snoring Room, or Elsbeth gifting Greg with a tile she loathed so much she ordered him to remove it from the premises any way he wanted to — just do so immediately:

Following orders.

Or, possibly because after unpacking a delivery of seventy-six boxes of sample tile, the last box he encountered was this one containing contents true to its label:

Truth in labeling.

Greg informed me that he wanted to try Pharma Kava, an over-the-counter elixir available at Whole Foods for $12.

World peace in a bottle.

Greg is a musician, and always willing to do whatever it takes to enhance his creativity, so tranquility in a bottle seemed right up his alley or at least ready to conquer his central nervous system. I said:

Me:  Go ahead.  Report back to me about it.

If it had been our young video gamer Under Ling who mentioned wanting to indulge herself with this same potion to me, my response would have been a tad different:

Me:  Are you insane? This is not the place where we need you to go slack and pee yourself.  Do it, but do it on our own time and off site, okay?  Make sure that your mom, the nurse, is on standby, too.

Yes, I have double standards when it comes to musicians pushing thirty versus gamers barely into their twenties.  Fortunately, when Greg showed his Pharma Kava to Under Ling, she recoiled.

The kava kava portion is grown chemical-free in the South Pacific island of Vanuatu.  The rest of it is 83-93 proof alcohol.  A few drops on the tongue later, Greg’s mouth went momentarily numb.  Over the course of the next two hours my sidekick was labeling tile as if he was lying in a hammock nestled between two palm trees in Vanuatu.  Although I personally prefer my usual state of stress, fatigue, and anxiety, I did hear this intriguing sound playing every time I walked past Greg:

Click here to hear intriguing sound playing every time I walked past Greg.

Since I have taken the day off today and Elsbeth is not in, before leaving Thursday night, I told Greg:

Me:  Okay, you’re in charge of what goes on here in my absence.  Do things the way I do them – as little as possible and at a distance.

Greg smiled, thrilled.

Me (walking out the door):  But that doesn’t mean you can spike our water cooler with that stuff.  Just spike management’s.

Some little drops'll do ya'.

Lame Adventure 170: “Maahvalous!”

Last week Coco and I attended a preview screening of Bill Cunningham New York.  When my pal was in the third grade, she was assigned to write a Thanksgiving essay about what she was most thankful for.  Unlike her classmates that were thankful for their parents, grandparents and pets, Coco tossed her thanks to Macy’s because they carried Jordache jeans.  Fast forward twenty-odd years later to the present where this grown-up fashionista is so excited about attending this screening, she’s sprouted a rather eye-catching full beard resembling a maroon dyed raccoon.

Coco petting her Abraham Lincoln beard with a studded cashmere Michael Kors glove.

Bill Cunningham is a New York Times treasure, an intrepid man on the street photographer whose On the Street columns (and in recent years, videos) chronicling fashion trends and the New York social scene are reliable highlights of the Sunday Style section.  This is a film made with love, wit and deep respect for this reluctant star.  Directed by Richard Press and produced by his partner in work and marriage, Philip Gefter, this dynamic duo gives the audience an intimate glimpse into the life of an extremely gracious, painfully modest, very active and eternally optimistic artist as he approaches age eighty during the course of filming (Bill’s now 82).

A very private man by nature, even Bill’s closest friends and colleagues admit they know next to nothing about his personal life.  Some facts about Bill are obvious, such as his distinct patrician accent every time he utters his favorite word, “Maahvalous,” betraying that he was born and bred in Boston.  An unanswered question is raised asking if Bill is the product of wealth.  During the q&a Press said that Bill revealed to him that his father worked for the US Postal Service, but did not elaborate further so he had no way of knowing if pere Cunningham was a common letter carrier or the postmaster general.

Bill does possess a very strong philosophy about money that borders on contemptuous.  He refused to accept any payment for his photos published in Details magazine where he worked during two of the happiest years of his life.  He was allowed complete control and was in his bliss.  He reasons, “If you don’t take money, they can’t tell you what to do.  That’s the key to the whole thing.” Fiercely independent, Bill shoots all of his photographs on film and he owns all of his negatives.  He is the last photographer on the Times staff that shoots film adamantly refusing to go digital.  The Times allows him what appears to be complete autonomy, as well as a bevy of assistants he drives crazy.

During the year Press and Gefter followed Bill, he was faced with having to vacate his bohemian utopia, a rent-controlled studio apartment in Carnegie Hall, where he has resided since the early fifties.  Bill’s room is a simple sliver of space (with no kitchen and a shared bath in the hallway) that’s cluttered with metal file cabinets packed with his thousands of negatives.  He sleeps on a narrow cot atop piles of magazines. His clothes hang on wire hangers on the cabinets’ drawer pulls.  His longtime neighbors include his colorful friend, 96-year-old portrait photographer Editta Sherman.  Hopefully, someone will soon film a documentary about her.

This apartment has clearly been the key to Bill’s unique degree of independence.  Very low overhead and paying next-to-nothing rent would be a godsend to all struggling artists and hack bloggers today if this dream option still existed in New York, but it doesn’t.  Therefore, if you’re not born into wealth, you fail to wed a rich spouse, and you’re not on the winning side of a pot of lottery ticket gold, try to find a day job that is not entirely soul-sucking, and when need be, a source of material.

Bill’s never had a life partner but in a very moving scene, he answers some blunt questions about his disciplined personal life.  He doesn’t own a TV, and claims he does not have the time to see films or go to the theater, but admits he does enjoy music.  He gets his fix when he attends church on Sunday.  He has no interest in fine dining and subsists on cheap deli sandwiches and take-out coffee.

As monastic as his private life is, Bill is possibly the hardest working, most inspired member of the Times staff as he navigates Manhattan on his thirtieth three speed bike.  The previous twenty-nine were all stolen, but he has an almost zen-like acceptance about that.  He is not a guy that sweats the small stuff.  The street is where he wants to be as he hunts for subjects.

Almost everywhere he goes, he’s welcomed warmly, but there is a hilarious moment when two identically dressed teens he photographs turn on him, curse him out and threaten to break his camera.  Instead of fleeing in fear from these angry kids more than sixty years his junior, he is entertained, giggling impishly as he pedals away.

A man who thrives on beauty, Bill has an expert eye for detecting trends.  From one of his favorite perches, the four corners of 57th Street and Fifth Avenue, often outside Bergdorf Goodman, he waits with his camera poised for prey — anyone stylishly dressed.  The clothes he photographs need not be expensive.  What’s required for a snap from Bill is that a subject looks original.  He takes his photographs with an unabashed enthusiasm lithely chasing objects of his admiration as they cross the street, scampering for a better angle, and occasionally directing a subject.  He is a guy who is most in the zone when he is clutching his Nikon.  He even snaps shots while pedaling from one location to the next.

His work ethic is so dedicated that it borders on obsessive.  Bill’s typical day usually starts around 8:30 am and ends at midnight.  He is also a walking encyclopedia of fashion trends past.  Since he is disinterested in pop culture, and his main focus is clothes, he is equally indifferent to celebrity.  In Paris, during fashion week, photographers swarm fashion icon Catherine Deneuve as she enters her limousine.  Bill stands back with his Nikon at rest.  Later, he matter-of-factly explains that she wasn’t wearing anything interesting.  As he waits to enter another fashion show amongst a horde of press, a minion questions Bill who waits patiently wearing a bemused expression.  When her boss appears, he brushes past the youngster, and gives Bill instant access declaring, “He’s the most important man on earth.”

While in Paris, Bill receives a prestigious award, a chevalier of the Order of Arts and Letters.  He seems to much prefer photographing the guests, but he does deliver an acceptance speech mostly in heavily American-accented French that he emotionally concludes in English, “If you look you can find beauty in everything.”

As Coco and I left the screening we marveled at Bill’s devotion to his craft and the overall purity of his spirit.  I vowed:

Me:  I’m going to further downsize my life!  I’ll completely commit myself to the written word!  I’ll be the Bill Cunningham of blogging!

Then, we hit a bar where I proceeded to drink my weight in sake.  I screwed off for the remainder of the week and did not publish another post until the following Friday.

Coco, had a more sober reaction:

Coco:  I’m going to hang out at 57th and Fifth every chance I get.

"We all get dressed for Bill," Anna Wintour. "But some way more than others," Lame Adventures Woman.

Bill Cunningham New York opens today for a two week run at the Film Forum in lower Manhattan, and will roll out in major cities nationally.

Lame Adventure 169: Hello Gorgeous!

My usual mode of transportation is a $104 Metrocard that is sucked out of my weekly paycheck in $26 installments.  Toward the end of every month, Bronislava the Expressionless from Accounting, visits me and performs the somber Handing Out the New Metrocards Ceremony.  Only recently, did I Google search her name and discover that in her native Russia it means “glorious protector.”  Over here, I guess it’s been revised to Glorious Protector of the Metrocards.

Bronislava quietly creeps into my department where I am usually sitting at my desk before my computer heavy lidded, slack jawed, drooling and occasionally, snoring.  To gain my attention, she might mumble in fluent monosyllabic a sound that I think doubles as my name if my name were pronounced “Va-heen-na-ha.”  Or, depending on where she is in her fertility cycle, she might gesture silently with a sheet and pen that I am supposed to use to sign that sheet indicating that I have received my new card.  After I scawl my atrophying signature onto the sheet, she proceeds to hand me my new card.  This transaction always takes place with an economy of words where I often do all the talking when I say:

Me:  Thanks.

Over the weekend, I was walking from the East Village to the West Village enroute to meeting a friend for a beverage when I nearly suffered whiplash throwing out my neck at the site of this adorable 1970 Fiat Abarth 695 parked on Mercer Street.

Come home with me.

If I had ever seen one of these cars anyplace other than in a Fellini film, I don’t recall it, and my pulse has always quickened for compact European vehicles.

Hey, who's been fondling your rear engine?

It is a nice caboose.

This one was such a beauty!  Oh, to ride this to work in lieu of the crowded 2 Express train or, better yet, to ride it to someplace bucolic and far from the daily grind and full of fun.  <sigh>

Let's get lost!

I wanna see your instruments!

Of course, bucolic has always triggered my nasal allergies, parking in this city is a major pain, and I need to own a car, even one of the sexiest cars in the world like this one, about as badly as I need a brain tumor.  Yet, this one sure was a delight to ogle and photograph and a lot prettier than my Metrocard.

No "zoom zoom" here.

It was so much fun until reality got in the way.

Probably not a cheap date.