Lame Adventure 458: Holding Pattern

At 25 degrees on Saturday, the weather was cold, but I appreciated that it didn’t feel as bone chilling bitter as usual.

And the sun was shining.

And the sun was shining.

I welcomed having feeling in my fingers and being able to comfortably run errands wearing less insulation than my typical frigid weather-wear that is vastly more suited to visiting the Barneo Ice Camp. When I walked out my hovel’s door, I was dismayed to see that the fire hydrant on my block was buried in snow and ice, unlike the other hydrants in my neighborhood.

West 73rd Street hydrant: graffiti covered but otherwise immaculate.

West 73rd Street hydrant: graffiti covered but otherwise immaculate.

West 70th Street fire hydrant: hipster red.

West 70th Street hydrant: hipster red.

West End Avenue fire hydrant: stylish red head.

West End Avenue hydrant: stylish red head.

My block's hydrant: buried in its own blizzard with a furniture blanket as accent.

My block’s hydrant: buried in its own personal blizzard with a casually thrown furniture blanket serving as accent piece.

Why wasn’t anyone compelled to dig it out?

I imagined it was for the same reason that when the heat and hot water are both out in my building that no one places that call: the chilly, unwashed masses assume that someone else will notify Building Management about making the repair. Building Management has often told me that I’m the first and only tenant to report when something is awry. I suppose this makes me my building’s self-appointed bloviator. Or maybe I just happen to hate taking ice cold showers in the dead of winter more than my fellow residents? Obviously I did not get the memo to dig out my block’s fire hydrant.

On Sunday, the weather once again flipped New York City a stiff middle finger. It snowed another 2.6 inches. I ran errands in the early afternoon just when the initial flakes started to fall. When I returned home, I spent the remainder of the day inside my toasty warm sanctum sanctorum that was five degrees shy of doubling as the bowels of hell. Even though I stayed put in my inferno, I was not a total slug. In fact, I was quite productive. I rode my spin bike. I cooked several lunches for the week ahead. I wrote this beef about the weather. Because I had placed myself under voluntary house arrest, I didn’t need to get properly dressed. So I traded in the ascot for loungewear, exactly what I’d wear if I were home sick, but I am indeed very sick of this winter. It has completely worn out its welcome with me. I’m eager to end this toxic relationship. I want a divorce.

I think there are psychological ploys people do to get through wicked winters, but most simply endure it realizing that we’re all in this suffering together. Some people seem inclined to cross the line, such as those that under dress. Last week I noticed a woman walking through slush in ballet flats sans socks. I wondered:

Me: Is she trying to will spring warmth via footwear? Would she wear fleece-lined Uggs in July?

About a week ago, I was lying in bed, waiting to fall asleep when I noticed a bright light shining through my window shades. It was around one in the morning. I got up, thinking:

Me: Now what?

I looked out my window and saw that someone had planted a Christmas tree in the back yard. They lit it and must have forgotten to shut the lights. It looked pretty, this return of holiday festivity.

The 1am February 22nd Christmas tree comeback tour.

The 1am February 22nd Christmas tree comeback tour.

Naturally, I thought:

Me: Who the hell lights a Christmas tree in February? What is wrong with these people? Are they born under the thirteenth astrological sign: Imbecile? Now I’m never going to get to sleep!

I returned to bed groaning. Then, I proceeded to enter a coma until my alarm, which could double as an air raid siren, further deafened me. I will say this about winter: one thing it has in its favor is that it is the season for great sleeping.

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52 responses to “Lame Adventure 458: Holding Pattern

  1. We get to this time of year enduring the months of winter and everywhere people complain about the weather. It’s time for change. Then there’s Ben, my friend in CA. He lives in the middle of IL most of the time. He goes to the coast of CA for February. Yesterday he complained about it being 50 something and it might sprinkle rain. I reminded him of the first Noble Truth of Buddhism…there is always going to be suffering in the world.

    He wasn’t moved by that fact.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If I recall, you are a person for good sleeping in all seasons … so I take your endorsement for winter sleeping as an exceptional one.

    By the way, hovel and bloviator have not appeared on aFa.

    Because my weather precedes yours, the forecast for my tomorrow is starting with freezing rain … temps rising about 20 degrees … then thunderstorms … then temps plummet.

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  3. “Unwashed masses, beef about the weather, ascot for loungewear” I love it! Very funny!

    My holiday lights are still burning brightly.

    Hope you have a safe commute with all this ice.

    R.

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    • I managed to stay upright from garret to Grind, R. I even arrived at the workplace at an unthinkable hour: ON TIME. Maybe this is the day that I should play the lottery? Glad you liked the post! As an LA loyalist, you’ve earned a lifetime pass to burn your holiday lights all year round.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hibernate until spring. It’s just around the corner!
    I spent January in bed nursing my knee and have become the bear who wakes up and roars. I’m ready to engage in life no matter what the weather!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know that you’ve been suffering monumental cabin fever, Susie, but you are recovering from major surgery. It’s not like you’re a sloth sacked out on the couch eating yourself into oblivion while watching marathon sessions of Honey Boo Boo. Before you engage with the world at large: please don’t reinjure yourself!

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      • Thanks V!!! I felt like that’s all I did the first two weeks!
        I started taking 1 hour hikes in the mountains yesterday. I’m going to see where I am after 30 minutes on the trail (near our house in Niwot) and head back or finish the loop. Theoretically, I should be able to make the whole loop in under an hour. Gotta build my muscles to stabilize my knee!

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  5. Fun to meet you here via Bruce’s blog. We need humor to get through this god-awful winter (I live in NE, but until 6 months ago, lived in the SF bay area). I roll my eyes when people say, ‘but we’ll appreciate spring so much more.’ I appreciated spring in February in SF, when the daffodils bloomed…. 🙂

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    • Nice to meet you Pam and welcome to Lame Adventures! I grew up in San Francisco, but relocated to NYC 33 years ago ostensibly for an NYU(seless) diploma. But my deep dark secret is that I truly relocated here because of my proliferation of good hair days. Fall in the Big Apple is the best season of all.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. As I write this, it’s 46 degrees, which is a full 21 degrees warmer than the conditions you describe. HOWEVER, when you consider the average temperatures, the relative temperature right now is something like -75, so as you can see, I suffer.

    It would bother me a little, I think, if I were the only person reporting stuff. Everybody thinks somebody else is going to take care of it. I know the much repeated story of Kitty Genovese’s infamous murder is largely a fabrication, but maybe it’s true that New Yorkers just can’t be assed.

    I find the 02.22.15 01:00 Christmas Tree to be delightful. We have to put our Christmas Tree in the front yard, because our house is so small. No foolin’. I know you live in an NYC apartment, but you might have more square footage than I do. If not, it’s close.

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    • 46 sounds like the deep freeze to me for SLO, Smak, so I can understand the -75 analogy. That just seems wrong. It also might be why we’ll be stuck paying more for produce in the near future. Those temperatures cannot be good for crops, but hopefully your Christmas tree is enduring.

      It bothers Building Management A LOT that I’m the only tenant that alerts them. I get on well with them so I’m allowed a certain amount of insider information. Maybe it’s a generational divide? I’m now the second oldest person living in my building as well as the second longest resident. The other older ones left via bodybag. The guy who’s currently number one is not looking so hot. Disturbing.

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  7. Winter is the best season for sleeping, V. I just want to cuddle under a warm blanket after reading this post. Your poor fire hydrant on your street. Oh, that made me laugh. Someone has to get on that immediately!! Wearing ballet flats anywhere doesn’t sound too comfortable. I’m guessing she had nothing else?! You must have thought it was Christmas all over again. I hope things thaw out soon. I got my fingers crossed!

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    • The weather this week, Amy, is going to be all over the place, warmish one day, snow the next, so I anticipate melting, freezing and a challenge to gauge when to do laundry. I am not happy that my fire hydrant has been abused. I hope at least my hydrant thaws. As for Christmas continuing into March, I was pretty much over it at 12:01 am on December 26th.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. A new Olympic sport should be “Jumping over Street Corner Puddles”… Nearly risked my life a couple of times on this slushy morning today…
    Yes, here’s hoping spring really isn’t far behind… Please remind me of all this cold and snow if August’s heat and humidity make me grouchy….
    Loved your post and especially your adorned, non-shoveled fire hydrant!!!

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    • If a fire hydrant could talk, Lia, I’m sure mine would be dropping f-bombs left, right and center. My block is a far cry from Skid Row. That hydrant deserves so much better! I’m not wild about this being “Jumping over Street Corner Puddles” season, either. It’s a popular way to pull a groin muscle that will not heal until June. And I have also been thinking about August’s heat. That’s another source of guaranteed whining over here. So, stick around.

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  9. V, I so hope this cold thing breaks for you guys soon. I seriously don’t know why you’re not throwing things by now. And though the tree looks pretty, I wouldn’t want to be woken up by bright lights. Maybe they’re trying to do something to lift themselves out of the winter funk. And good on you that you report things. Pretty inconsiderate that others don’t but it’s still a win for you because taking cold shower during the freezing times would suck. Suck a big one. Stay warm (bet you’re sick of that phrase too.)

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    • I am looking forward to packing up my collection of matching black fleeces, Brig, but thanks to being encased in them, I am warm all day long. At times that last for a flash (imagine that!), bordering on sauna in seventh circle of Hell warm. It is odd that other tenants rarely call Building Management. I shudder to think what they’d do if we had a fire. That would be really horrific considering that we don’t even have a readily available fire hydrant. Yes, that hydrant’s a huge peeve with me these days. Since I’m the Alert Everyone About Everything Police, maybe I should call 3-1-1 and report that? I’m as sure as I am about all of life’s guarantees: death, taxes, and middle age weight gain, that no one else will make that call.

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  10. I cannot deal anymore ….

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  11. There is a brownstone in my neighborhood that still has the Christmas tree up with lights ablaze in the front window. On one hand, I agree that it’s nice to have a little cheer on the dreary, snowy days. On the other hand, I really hope it’s not a real tree!

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  12. For a moment of absolute stupidity, I thought to myself 25degrees is warm… I thought NY should be cold… until I remembered you guys use Fahrenheit not Celsius! Silly Brit!

    http:/lifeaccordingtoshreya.wordpress.com

    Like

  13. This particular winter in the Northeast seems to have a personality – an evil personality. Maybe rather than naming storms, the Weather Channel should name seasons, V. And Jack Frost seems a little too mild for this one…

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  14. Only V can make talking about the weather a funny read. It reminds me of Woody. Did you ever consider a writing gig for a NYC sitcom? I know the natives make fun of all those shows but the pay must be more than ‘The Minister of Tile’. Love your Lame Adventures.

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    • Awwwwwwwwwwww, thanks Tom B. I will admit this: when I was a kid, after seeing Woody’s mash note to New York City, Manhattan (which I think is his true masterpiece even though Annie Hall won all the awards) for the 37th time, I knew I absolutely, positively, no question about it had to leave San Francisco for the Big Apple. Film school was just a convenient excuse to move away from my family without finding myself disowned. As for writing for fame and fortune, that ship seems to have sunk leaving this bottom feeder to bask in obscurity and poverty.

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  15. When I lived in Boston, there was a lady in my building who would call the management as soon as something was wrong. And then she would hound us on our cells and work lines until we called management. The scary thing, I never gave her my work number.

    It’s been sunny in London (shocking) but this brutal wind is keeping me inside still.

    I hope winter eases up on you guys soon. What a year. I kinda like the Christmas tree.

    Like

    • Winter is sticking around a little longer. Tomorrow we have another four to eight inches of snow in the forecast. I suppose that means that Boston’s white monster is going to get even taller. My colleague, Godsend, is heading there on Thursday for a mini vacation just in time for this next storm. Some vacation.

      That lady in your old building in Beantown was a piece of work. Once I place my call I do what every New Yorker does when they complete a task, I fuhgeddaboudit.

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  16. You ain’t seen NOTHIN’, sister. Just wait until later today. Heh. I have tix to a show at the Signature Theater tonight but might have to bail out to dig my car out of the snow back in suburban NJ.

    I was just up in your naib on Monday. I saw Verité at the Clair Tow in Lincoln Center. It stars my pretend girlfriend, Anna Camp. It was pretty good stuff. I just posted another journal excerpt from 1992. In it, I saw a show at the John Houseman Theater, which, if I’m not mistaken, was on theater row. But I don’t know which one it is now.

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    • Right now, as I look out my window at The Grind, I see there’s a lull, but I think it’s the snowfall pausing for a cigaret break. No doubt that you’ve noticed that it’s been falling steadily all day. I don’t envy your car digging. I had a decent commute in on the subway this morning, but it now appears that trains are running with delays. I am SO sick of all this winter weather. It looked very photogenic on my way to the train, but I didn’t bother to take a picture. I just wanted to get away from it. Snow’s a fun occasional one night stand, but not as a steady sleepover guest. I’m very glad that I’m not seeing any shows tonight! What are you seeing (or missing) at the Signature? We saw Rasheeda Speaking (it’s very good and I know that it’s a New Victory production that’s staged there) and later this month we’re seeing The Liquid Plain. Are you seeing (or missing) Charles Mee’s Big Love? We did not get tickets to that one. Hey, it’s impossible to see everything, but I’m sure you know that all too well.

      As for the Houseman, it was demolished about ten years ago and it’s now an apartment building. This one:

      http://www.related.com/apartment-rentals/new-york-city/midtown/mima

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      • Mima. I hate that name. What pretentious garbage. The only good thing that came out of all that is The Signature.

        I had a ticket for “The Liquid Plain” but I ate it because of the weather. It’s a good thing I did. It’s a mess down here. I saw “Big Love.” My friend thought it was just okay but I really enjoyed it. Wouldn’t mind seeing it again, in fact. I saw “The Iceman Cometh” last week. A Herculean effort but Lane looked like he was acting. I saw the Spacey production several years ago and he was much better.

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        • The Signature’s space is very nice. It is the one good thing about that behemoth tower. I love the Atlantic’s Linda Gross down on West 20th Street. It’s like a church of theater. Second Stage is cool, too, with it’s old bank vault door. That’s too bad that you had to miss The Liquid Plain. My friend and I are very psyched to see it. I wanted to see Iceman, but it would have been in a horrible, cheap seat and on a work night. At this stage in my decrepitude, that’s not going to happen. Nathan Lane can be a scenery chewer. I last saw him in The Nance. I thought he was good in that role. I’m seeing The Nether this weekend. Bracing myself for what awaits me.

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  17. My condolences to you. I wish your state better weather. Please wish mine humane politics.

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  18. If you could make that 25 degrees C it would not be cold at all!

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