Lame Adventure 432: Chia What?

Over the course of the past two weeks, I watched a fair amount of US Open Tennis. I’ll come clean: I anesthetized myself on US Open Tennis. Even though I would sooner go elk hunting with a peashooter than ever attempt to swing a tennis racket myself, I derive great pleasure watching elite athletes play that game for steamer trunks of money. Tennis is my favorite reality TV programming.

Something I noticed throughout the entirety of my Open viewing was an orange Chia Pod cooler that was on center court at Arthur Ashe Stadium.

Orange Chia Pod cooler on display in center court.

Orange Chia Pod cooler on display in center court.

Watching this product placement for days on end made me wonder:

Me (wondering): What is Chia Pod?

According to the US Open’s web site:

“Chia Pods are the perfect option for ready to eat nutrition, containing a full serve of chia mixed with real fruit and coconut milk. Vegan and gluten free, Chia Pods deliver 25% of your daily fiber and 100% of your daily omega-3 ALA.”

As the entire Lame Adventures readership knows as well as quantum physics, ALA is alpha-linolenic acid, but what everyone who reads Lame Adventures is likely wondering:

All Lame Adventures Readers (wondering): Are Chia Pets made out of chia?

The story of chia.

The story of chia.

Yes, chia seeds are spread all over Chia Pets.

Shortly before Serena Williams steamrolled Caroline Wozniacki in the women’s final, I was in my supermarket, Fairway. I was pondering extending my self-loathing by purchasing a sweet potato flavored organic yogurt when I noticed an array of Chia Pods in the shelf below. I thought the price, $2.99 for a six-ounce cup, redefined extortion. What an outrage; they’re charging fifty cents an ounce for a cup of seeds that can grow mossy poodles out of terracotta? Is this stuff made out of platinum or chia? Then, I noticed that it came with a charming  little orange spoon, so I changed my tune and considered purchasing an entire case. But, I decided that it might behoove me to first try a single cup of this concoction. There were so many flavors to choose from even though all I can remember is blueberry. I gravitated straight to vanilla.

Cup of Chia Pod.

Cup of Chia Pod.

Deal making chia spoon.

Deal making chia spoon.

I returned home, watched Serena annihilate Caroline and win her eighteenth grand slam tournament. Even though I stared dully at that orange Chia Pod cooler during every changeover of the match, I completely forgot to eat my edible Chia Pet, my cup of vanilla Chia Pod.

The next day, Monday, I took my Chia Pod with me to The Grind to eat for breakfast. Actually, I chased a banana with my cup of Chia Pod.

The vanilla flavor Chia Pod looked like taupe colored tapioca pudding, or if strewn across a second grader’s desk just so, vomit.

See for yourself: tapioca meets barf.

See for yourself: tapioca meets barf.

It had no discernible scent and as I ate it, I realized that it lacked any discernible flavor. The texture held a certain fascination for me. It didn’t stick to the sides of the cup and it made my mind wander in the direction of edible Teflon.

Dig in.

Dig in.

Back to the taste, it was not sweet, sour or offensive. Digging deep into my limited vocabulary, I pronounce the vanilla flavor Chia Pod a bland blob of innocuous glop. Now that we know what the Chia Pet’s first cousin tastes like, here’s the video that my colleague and collaborator, Godsend, shot of my cup of vanilla Chia Pod not exactly running over.

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70 responses to “Lame Adventure 432: Chia What?

  1. Know how much you enjoy it, I’ve been thinking about t you during the US Open … but this Chia Pod stuff doesn’t look like my cup of tea, but it did remind me of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEO0qDb8xwo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The only sports I’m interested in are the ones where I am doing the scoring!

    And, as for Chia Pods, ugh!

    Very funny and clever piece.

    Most sincerely,

    R.

    Like

  3. SO UNAPPETIZING!!! I think I’ll pass and stick to my homemade granola instead.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. As a readership-type who knows his quantum physics, I declare that stuff a bio-hazard. Nukular waste is less toxic looking that it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hORaebYWDwk

    You should do a gut cleansing regime asap. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colon_cleansing

    Like

    • LOVE that video, Jim! Chia Pod definitely tastes better than that salty, slimy colon cleanse pushed by my gastroenterologist. I would not be surprised if that stuff is radioactive. It is possible that in its next incarnation, chia will be a suppository. I won’t race you for a patent.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Egads!!!!!!!! Oh for a Cooper’s tea ball and the sugar coated apple turnover bigger than our heads back in the day my friend!!!!!!

    Like

  6. That is truly disgusting looking stuff! No wonder they need centre court placement to try and sell it. I imagine if everyone watching bought just one container, they’d have some pretty good sales.

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  7. eww. that’s all I got.

    Like

  8. The Mozart was my favorite part. You can’t go wrong when you go full-Kraut (and although he was technically Austrian, and not full-Kraut, I like to ignore inconvenient facts).

    I’ve eaten a variety of Chia snacks, because that’s what my wife buys–mostly bars & stuff. I like the crunchy texture and the flavor, at least, of what it’s been paired with.

    There are a lot of interesting, high-quality foods out there, but you have to pay exorbitant prices, which isn’t always easy to do.

    Like

    • Smak, I agree that interesting, high quality foodstuffs often cost considerably more unless you shop at Trader Joe’s (wasn’t that started by a German guy; I’d also like to not completely alienate my readers in Deutschland). Chia Pod, at $2.99 for six ounces, is ridiculously pricey. Now, I regret not eating the spoon. It probably would have tasted infinitely better.

      Like

  9. There’s cheaper and probably tastier ways to get chia – just buy the bag of chia seeds and add it to things yourself.

    Like

  10. Looks more like chia poop. I wonder if it will grow if you smear it on terra cotta?

    Like

  11. Good PSA on why Not to eat this stuff. I thank you for this. Grooosss

    Like

  12. That is making me GAG but the turnaround because of the orange spoon is a good one. I’d do that! Thanks for taking one for the LA team.

    Like

  13. If I want to eat unappetizing stuff with little flavor and a weird texture, I can eat kale. And I’ve eaten a lot of kale this summer.

    One thing I WON’T do: I won’t tell you that if only you fixed it the right way (man, what an idiot you are that you don’t know how to fix it the right way. If you fixed it MY way, you would no longer be an idiot, as evidenced by the fact that you would LOVE said unappetizing food…) you would love it.

    I’ve had that experience, of being told what an idiot I am, that if only I fixed said food (brussels sprouts, kale, lima beans…) the right way (criticizer’s way) I would love it. Guess what — I’m not an idiot. And I’m not going to buy it again, to once more be let down that no matter which way I fix said food, I don’t love it. And in fact, when it comes to some foods, I won’t bother trying to like it. I’m a grown-up, dammit, and I don’t have to eat it if I don’t want to…

    Like

    • Thank you for venting here Melanie. But I have to break it to you: I like kale. I even had it for dinner tonight. But you’re in good company. My sister, Dovima, is a staunch kale-hater.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Actually I don’t mind the kale. We’ve been getting it as part of our CSA share. I’ll eat it willingly. But it is just weird, more than appetizing. To me. So if we weren’t getting it in our weekly portion, I probably wouldn’t go seek it out. Nope. Probably not.

        Like

        • Whenever I mention that I eat kale to my sister, Melanie, she groans. Dovima would never, ever seek out kale. She would also find the Chia Pod particularly terrible tasting. I am sure she would not have finished it unlike this clean cup club member. She’s a milk chocolate fan. Need I say more about my sibling?

          Like

  14. Nope, not eating it! Not even trying it. Oh, gawd! It does look like vomit. It sounded so healthy, too. Thanks for preventing me from buying this. I’ve had chia in a juice before and it was strange and slimy, and ruined a perfectly good cup of juice.

    Like

  15. That’s the most unappetizing glop I think I’ve ever seen! Double Yuck! I had never heard of Chia Pods, so thanks for the heads up, V. At least they got the orange spoon right. It works with the brown food, I guess.

    Great video, too – complete with Eine Kleine Nachtmusik! Loved it.

    Like

    • Finally someone (other than my sister, Dovima, in a private email) who noticed the music in that video, Cathy! I’d reward you with a Chia Pod but that would be a booby prize. The orange spoon is definitely a bright spot.

      Like

  16. Your post had great timing for me. Just yesterday my co-worker came to me and said:

    Co-worker: Guess what I brought for breakfast? Chia pods.
    Me (and you): Chia what?
    Co-worker: Chia pods. I mixed chia seeds in almond milk and added cut strawberries. Want to try some?

    I thought it was pretty tasty — the consistency of oatmeal. The almond milk added good flavor. But hers didn’t come with an orange spoon. That’s a huge bonus in my book.

    Like

    • It never occurred to me to add cut strawberries! When I make oatmeal I add blueberries (when they’re fresh) and maple syrup. The consistency is similar to oatmeal, but that oaty taste I like so much, is nowhere. That nifty little spoon is like the supporting actor in a play who blows the star out of the water, or if you prefer, the vanilla bean chia out of the pod.

      Like

  17. I bet dirt and grass has some kind of nutritional value as well, V, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to eat it. I think you wasted $2.99 or whatever the ridiculous cost was for that stuff that looks, well, you know what it looks like. Food must be pleasing to all the senses and I’m gonna take a big ole’ NO on the chia whatever-the-hell. On the plus side, adding dark chocolate or berries or whatever to it could make it taste better, but then seriously what’s the point. I’ll stick with oatmeal.

    I wonder if chia pods are what was once called gruel. Could be.

    How’s it hanging?

    Like

    • Brig you struck a chord here: yes, Chia Pod is 21st Century gruel but the cute little orange spoon activated my 21st Century ADD so I was completely oblivious to their observation until you brought it to my attention. Brilliant!

      Good to hear from you!

      Like

  18. I think I’ll stick to a chia pet at Christmas.

    Like

  19. Thank you for being the product tester, now I will not be tempted by the cute spoon. I might have been, but now, no.

    Actually that looked like something my cat might have gifted me with.

    Like

  20. I was really intrigued by Chia Pods until I watched the video. Geez, I’ve seen more appetizing stuff oozing from 3-day-old roadkill. It looks like something they’d squirt in women to enhance their breasts–and lead to cancer five years later. The spoon was definitely the most attractive part of the purchase.

    Like

  21. Ick. I cannot even imagine sticking a spoon into that, no matter what color. But, there must be something you eat — kale? — that fires up your creative and witty word combinations, V.

    Funny. And hope you’re feeling OK now that you’ve ingested that pricey stuff.

    Like

  22. I think they were handing these out for free at the Open. I sampled one (again I don’t remember the name but the I won’t forget the barf look to it) and I wasn’t a fan. One bite and that was it. The Better Half and company finished theirs and got it again the next day for free. Pretty sure they wouldn’t pay 50 cents per ounce.

    Like

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