Lame Adventure 360: In the Mood for Sap

I have been so busy working on the final stages of My Manhattan Project, a project that I will unveil in the not too distant future, that Valentine’s Day almost completely missed my radar … aside from the gourmet cupcake that my boss, Elsbeth, sprang for.

If I were inclined to marry a cupcake, this would be The One.

If I were inclined to marry, this would be my soul mate.

Back to the present, here’s a Lame Adventures-style love story for sappy romantics:

That First Kiss

by

Lame Adventures-woman

Even though I bear a striking resemblance to a Chia Pet, I have had a fair amount of success with the lasses that prefer their women fuzzy and awkward.  Currently, I am dating Marketa.  My father, who is deaf as a post, refers to her as Marketing, a name that has stuck in my head.  To avoid any possible slips of the tongue, I have taken to calling my beloved, M.  She has a term of endearment for me, too: Yawn.

M and I met two years ago July in the upscale ablutions store she manages.  This is one of those stores where the staff wears white lab coats as they ring up a bottle of 8.4 oz oatmeal fortified shampoo to the tune of twenty clams.  A word to the wise: if you crave oatmeal on a chilly Saturday, but you’re too hung over to trot up the street to the store, so you nuke a third of a cup of your shampoo instead, suffice to say you’ll find yourself belching soap bubbles well into Tuesday.

Or, so I’ve heard that could happen.

When I met M on a Wednesday, she looked very thought provoking in her white lab coat.  Actually, I could barely concentrate on why I was there, ostensibly to replenish my significantly depleted bottle of shampoo, but I was so discombobulated ogling her I mistakenly purchased a similarly sized container of canine flea powder instead.  This gaffe proved fortuitous since it allowed me to return for another encounter with this vixen of my dreams.  To control my newly acquired white lab coat fetish, I reminded myself to think repeatedly of my similarly attired dentist, Ira Kluckhorn, who is also a dedicated practitioner of halitosis.  This helped me exchange the silly grin on my face for an expression akin to the gag reflex.

While exchanging the bottle of flea powder for oatmeal fortified shampoo, M and I shared a delightful dialogue.  Holding a pen in preparation for taking notes, M asked, “Is there a specific reason why you’re returning the flea powder?”

I offered, “For starters, I don’t have a dog. In addition, I keep my personal flea and tick problem under control with a sensitive skin unscented beauty bar.  Plus, I wanted to see you again.”

M scribbled, “TMI.”

She suggested, “We have an unscented beauty bar for dry, scaly skin like yours that I highly recommend.” Intrigued, she asked,  “Do you have any body piercings or tattoos?”

I reflected, “I have a single scar.  I once unintentionally crucified my left thumb with a staple gun.  I also happen to have a wide array of liver spots.  Do they count? One resembles a vuvuzela.”  Then, I wondered aloud, “Is your beauty bar available in a multi-pack for $5.99-ish?”

M matter-of-factly replied, “No.  Ours is only available by the three-ounce bar for eleven dollars each.  I love the vuvuzela.  It’s so melodic.”

I pondered her response for the length of a palpitation.  “Bargain.  I’ll take two.  Will you go out with me sometime, maybe to a concert featuring a vuvuzela-ist?”

She scribbled her number on the back of her business card and cooed, “I’m busy, but call me.  In November – after Thanksgiving.”

Encouraged, I spent the following four months organizing my humble abode into Venus Flytrap shape.  When Black Friday arrived, I called M.  The chat was overwhelmingly flirtatious.

“Hi!  Last July, you told me to call you after Thanksgiving.”

M asked, “Who is this?”

I reminded her about our flea powder exchange and her affinity for the vuvuzela. Then, I cut to the chase, “Would you like to see a film, concert, play or maybe all three in an evening with me?”  I considered adding “naked” but thought that suggestion might be premature.

M said she recalled my liver spot, and added, “Why would I go out with you?”  I explained that I was quite sure that she was a believer in love at third sight.  Then, I dropped the charm bomb, “I’m not a serial killer.  I’ve hardly ever been to Long Island.”  We started dating a week later, but M insisted on taking things slow.

I suggested that she don her white lab coat for it might be easier for me to recognize her were she clad in it.  M groaned, “You’re not one of those freaks that’s into me for that lab coat, are you?”  Quickly, I backtracked, “Wear whatever you like,” and suggested for added measure, “Or don’t wear anything at all!”  Maybe she’s a nudist!

For the next four dates, she wore a frock that distinctly resembled a burka.

Eventually, our relationship blossomed and I was confident that I could share a kiss with M without incurring too many of the maneuvers she had recently learned in a self-defense class she’d been taking.  Yet, I wanted that kiss to be magical and occur in a place with both privacy and lighting that would shave a few inches off my nose.

I recalled a quaint alley in lower Manhattan and surmised that if we were not mugged, she raped, and I murdered, this could yield a very romantic dividend.  Although we were heading to a play in Midtown, I insisted traveling there via this downtown alley would be resplendent.  As we neared the alley, I grabbed her hand and quickened our pace.  Just when I was about to pull her into a doorway for a Technicolor moment of bliss, we both slammed our brakes.  There was an unseemly splash of vomit that could have easily filled an Olympic-sized pool.  This prompted me to suggest, “Maybe it would behoove us to take a cab to the theater after all.”

Later that night, M took it upon herself to kiss me under a dogwood tree. It was a kiss that was memorably tender, caring and loving.  Such a nice offset to the five minutes of dry hacking I suffered afterward due to it being allergy season.

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77 responses to “Lame Adventure 360: In the Mood for Sap

  1. Sweet. Almost maudlin. But you saved yourself with the vomit. I also like how you worked in the vuvuzela as well as the word behoove. You know that is one of my favorite LA verbs. And that South African horn is sooo under-appreciated. Not.

    Glad to hear that all is moving along swimmingly on your Project that is located on the island of Manhattan.

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  2. Maybe Claritin would be helpful for romantic moments in the spring.

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  3. I want that cupcake. While I enjoyed the vuvuzela as well as the word behoove as Mike did; you had me discombobulated ogling . Who knew you could be so romantic and sweet… charmingly funny too

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  4. So funny to see your pop up while you are reading my post I am reading yours!
    Hilarious! Love is never perfect and those moments fantasized about never quite happen the way we plan..But those are the awkward moments that we cherish! Another lame adventure to be sure… 🙂

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  5. You are so funny and genuine. This is great.
    I have a question, how did you know she was gay? Is there a handshake. I will write tomorrow about my recent not getting situation.

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  6. Anxiously awaiting the unveiling of The Manhatten Project. We have a lab two doors up the street. Perhaps I’ll go borrow a lab coat for the reading-just to set the mood.
    The pursuit of romance was a not-so-lame adventure, but a keep-them-on-the-edge-of-their-seat love story culminating in a kiss to remember. I’m very happy for you. Now, I’m off to find a vuvuzela.

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    • Glad you enjoyed the tale, Russell. I’ve been to busy working on TMP to write a new LA, but I have a stash of short fiction, and this one had a New York flavor, so I decided to post. I hope to return to regularly scheduled programming once The Manhattan Project is good to go. Then, I can return to focusing on writing LA.

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  7. You and Marketing sound as though you’ve got off to a flying start there, LA, without rushing into things. Including the vomit… which is always good!

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  8. That is the sweetest story that I have ever heard involving a lab coat, vuvuzela and a liver spot. And although the dogwood tree may have taken the shine off the moment, it sounds like it was still a good one.

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    • It was a fun story to write, RG, and although I’ve personally yet to date a maiden with an affinity for the vuvuzela like this tale’s protagonist, I have known more than a few with tree allergies — something I, too, have suffered from time to time in spring.

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  9. Aw, love is sweet. “A Chia Pet?” Ouch! You know, the Raggedy-Ann look can be quite attractive. In college I knew a couple girls who had that crazy corkscrew thing going on, and I thought they were lovely. I think in general that people are more attractive than they believe themselves to be (although the thankfully rarer inverse of this makes for good people-watching).

    I’m not a cupcake person, but I will be for that one. Your boss rocks.

    Apparently having forgotten the South Africa World Cup, I had to look up vuvuzela (this was before the later sentence from which I might have remembered the word from context). I wasn’t too disappointed to find it wasn’t dirty, because even as I was going to look it up, I figured that would be too good to be true.

    Your dentist (whose name is reminiscent of a Borscht-Belt stand-up act–yeah, I have a thing for names) must be one hell of a dentist for you to put up with that rotten reek.

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    • Smak, this story is just a story, but I will admit that I was rather amused with the Chia Pet imagery, so please do not assume it’s autobiographical! My last dentist was a nice, unscented, Orthodox Jewish boy (a dental student) named Daniel. We were completely on the same page humor-wise and he fed me good dental advice out of the ear-shot of his instructors that were hellbent on fleecing me. His breath was always fresh as a just cut grass, not ti imply that he had any green stuff stuck in his pearly whites.

      Sorry that the vuvuzela was not some obscure erotic artifact from a bygone era, but just an ordinary, ear-sore noisemaker. It sounds like your disappointment about that was fleeting.

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  10. I’ll chime in on what rollergiraffe said about this being the ‘sweetest story that I have ever heard,’ only I’ll add, also involving vomit. No but seriously, thanks for sharing this ‘Valentine’s Day’ tale, I enjoyed reading it!

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  11. I’m jealous. None of my liver spots resemble a vuvuzela. However, I did let the grandkids play “connect the dots” with the ones on my thigh. Unfortunately I had to put a stop to that when it resulted in a detailed portrait of Donald Rumsfeld.

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  12. Nice Valentine story V. 🙂

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  13. Ha! This was awesome. I loved the first kiss story … your “technicolor moment” in an alley. But my favorite line was “love at third sight” Ha! That one cracked me up. So glad that it worked out for you. And that cupcake…dude I think it’s my soul mate.

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  14. “for starters i don’t have a dog…” bwwwaaahhhhhhaaaa. loved.

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  15. This was pretty adorable. And I’m itchy at just the mention of flea powder.

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  16. That was a lovely story, Lame. The flea powder line obviously worked a treat, which I must admit I wouldn’t have laid odds on happening.

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  17. Who wouldn’t date a woman whose claim to fame was flea powder and her status as “not-a-serial-killer?” Seriously, I’m a sucker for dry wit.

    Sorry to be so damn late getting here. I can’t keep up with this whole “moving to Ecuador” thing. Swear to God, it may kill me–and it’s not even the end of Feb!

    Hugs,
    Kathy

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    • My ex in real life (Marketa and the protagonist are fictional characters) was a sucker for dry wit until mine apparently shriveled and disintegrated to her. Oh, now do these things happen Kathy?

      That would sure suck for Sara, Lucy and Ralph if you screwed up this momentous move with your untimely demise, so don’t do that! Do leave your collection of cat food cans behind. Thanks for taking the time off from The Big Event in your life to even make it over here, pal!

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  18. I must admit, you may be the Queen of Descriptions … which very good for a Chia Pet! Love the cupcake, but it didn’t make me laugh as much as you did. .. yet, the ending matched the cupcake’s sweetness.

    Plus, I had to stop by to say hello.

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  19. This is almost romantic. You had me at the phrase, “dedicated practitioner of halitosis.” I wish there were not so many practitioners of this Dark Art.

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    • With this in mind Weebs, if we ever rendezvous, I’ll make sure to drink a supertanker of red wine the night before and I’ll purposely refrain from brushing the next day. I should be able to part seas like Moses with that breath.

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  20. That cupcake looks awesome. My dentist used to have a hairy hygienist with halitosis. Seems to be an issue with people in the dental field, perhaps they should partake in some of their conveniently located mouthwash instead of saving it all for the patients.

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  21. You do have a great style in writing fiction. Clearly your awareness of stuff happening around you is superb.Some of the phrases used jump out! Loved the post.

    Shakti

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