For the past few weeks, months or years, it’s been one of those days for me. There I was at The Grind sitting at my computer that’s situated directly below a vent breeding mold faster than rabbits mating on speed.
Innocuous looking ceiling vent.
Fertile mold.
Mold shacking up over my head.
I was crunching numbers while thinking philosophical thoughts:
Me: I wonder if Trader Joe’s will have those brandy filled chocolate beans this year? Did I lock my door this morning? How soon before I’m as obsolete as a public pay phone?
Empty pay phone hole — metaphor for my future?
My loyal sidekick, Greg, shattered my deep thoughts.
Greg: Are you busy?
Me (thinking): Just going blind doing math before segueing into regretting the entire trajectory of my life.
Me (saying): What do you need?
He asked if I could go into Photoshop and add a simple date to a simple label for him. He was in a bit of a hurry and he wanted to simply complete one project before simply starting another. This request sounded reasonably simple to me:
Me: Sure, give me five minutes.
My computer had other ideas.
“No Photoshop for you simpleton!”
For ten agonizing minutes I am stuck in the intersection of Irritating and Annoying before I am granted access to Photoshop so I can fulfill this simple request. Just when I am going to print the label with the simple revision for Greg, my lord and master, Elsbeth, starts printing the equivalent of the phone book. Finally, I give Greg, who started working on another project in the intervening 45 minutes, his simple label that inhaled the better part of an hour of what remains of my simply depleting life.
A few weeks ago, Greg gave me the paperwork for a delivery of tile that we received. Another of my illustrious responsibilities as Minister of Tile that makes practical use of my fancy film school degree is to date stamp paperwork. I am the type that can never remember the date, so that’s why I wear a state-of-no-art Timex with date-telling capability. My timepiece is the consummate chick magnet to grandmother-types that wet dream about watch faces with numbers as big as eggplants:
Waiting a New York minute to learn the day’s date.
My boss has strong opinions about architecture. I asked Elsbeth:
Me: Hey boss, what do you think about the Hearst Tower?
Elsbeth: Which building is that?
Me: That one over on 57th and Eighth.
The address did not ring the gong in my superior’s head so I Google image searched it for her while accessing my inner NPR reporter.
Me: They finished the base in 1928, but due to the Depression, they held off building the tower until 70 years later. It opened in 2006.
Hearst Tower base completed in 1928. Architect: Joseph Urban.
Comedy and Tragedy with plenty to laugh and cry about.
Elsbeth looked at the resulting eyesore, liberally dropped words like hideous, ridiculous and awful accompanied by a few f-bombs with i-n-g endings.
Result: super modern glass and steel tower by architect Norman Foster that’s been jutting out of the base since it opened in 2006.
I agreed that time was not kind to this project or to quote my liege:
Elsbeth: What the fuck were they thinking?
Unamused muses at the base.
The crass guest that’s here to stay jutting out of the base.
This week Elsbeth highly amused my colleague, (not) Under Ling (anymore), when she revealed that the reason our shared drive runs slower than a pregnant snail carrying a boulder is because:
Elsbeth (exasperated): People are downloading all their personal crap on it, like pictures of their dog!
Not this dog waiting patiently for his master to throw him a bone.
Nor Thurber, my family’s dog, looking anxious in this picture my sister Dovima texted me as he’s about to leave for the kennel.
A month ago, (not) Under Ling (anymore) was feeling significantly less mirth when she burned her finger using a glue gun.
(not) Under Ling (anymore) giving me the index finger.
Now a message to my seven loyal readers, for the first time in 350 posts, before subjecting myself to the next 350 Lame Adventures, this site is going on hiatus until after the November election. Since I prefer the shiny, fresh and nubile, I’m not the type that republishes past posts, but if you crave a fix of Lame Adventures-style junk food for your mind, preferably while bored at work or in the process of getting dressed down by your main squeeze for forgetting to take out the trash, help yourself to reading any of the 349 others. Check out different years. You might even hit on a good one. If you need a nudge from me about where to go, my personal favorite is the one with the photographs.
Lame Adventures 
Lame,
Enjoy V time.
Your friend,
Le Clown
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Thanks!
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V.,
Thanks for this – you have empowered me – now I can brook Route One this morn, while assholes pass on the right.
Love it,
R.
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Thank you for the compliment Robert — and to hell with other motorists!
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Enjoy the coming weeks while you get some rest, drink (somewhat) less, PT your troublesome knee, and see if there really is a market for recyclables.
It’s been a great few months for me getting to see your take on the cruel world that exists around us all.
I enjoyed your (somewhat) disjointed musings today of the truly lame environ you poetically call The Grind. Can’t wait for 351.
Look ma, no iPhuckups!
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The Grind is a place of pure poetry Mike.
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V, you’ll be missed. I so enjoy your hilarious adventures and hope your knee heals soon. Take care!
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My knee is fine and I’m not going away for long Brig. Thanks for checking in.
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V,
I didn’t know you had a film degree. Congrats on 350 posts and I, too, look forward # 351. And the Hearst Tower? For some strange reason, I kindof like it. Maybe my Industrial Design degree background – something about the unexpected? Have a good break, see you soon.
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Cathy, I am with my lord and master about that tower. The architectural styles are so mismatched. The first few times I noticed it I assumed that the tower part was rising from another building behind the base. Obviously, I wasn’t looking at it very closely plus the bag over my head also obstructed my view.
Yes, I have a degree in phlegm. “They” had to give me a degree in something I guess, and I have watched thousands of films over the course of (cough) 50 years. It doesn’t surprise me that you have a degree in Industrial Design. Thanks for sharing buddy!
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I have so much to read! I can’t wait to dig in. Hurry back now.
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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, thanks Fish!
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Have fun storming the castle. What are you going to be for Halloween? Oh and don’t lie–you’re not going on hiatus, you’re going to hang with Honey Boo Boo and her ilk.
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Every Halloween I dress in drag — I wear a dress, pumps and pearls.
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Thanks for sharing the building design. Does it look better or worse in person?
Although you’ll be missed, enjoy your writing break!
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My pictures are pretty accurate of what you’d see if you visit. I much prefer the Longaberger building! I loved your post today. Thanks Frank!
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Many thanks! … and your building today was interesting because I didn’t know of it. 🙂 But it does seem to be a clash of styles.
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I’m much rather see a giant picnic basket sit atop that base Frank!
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Speaking of Photoshop!
BTW – true confessions … I just ran out of time for a good cartoon post this week. 😦 But there will be something for you tomorrow.
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Excellent!
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Hope to see the creation on a future post! … Idea … a post with a series of redesigns!
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Hmm, interesting idea. My neighborhood Apple store used to be a Victoria’s Secret … but that was before I went photo taking crazy.
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Hiatus — what?! — Enjoy LA! I’ll be waiting…
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Or just pop over whenever you feel like it to check out what’s in the LA archives. Of course, you could stumble upon the one about as hilarious as roadkill that drags itself down a cathedral’s aisle ahead of the bride …
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What in the woild!? Roadkill inserting itself in a wedding — I’m in! I will indeed check out your archives. I’m sure I’ll enjoy them…
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Yeah, roadkill in a wedding. I’ve now read your site enough to know what turns you on … Thanks for digging through the archives Sandee!
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I am surprised that your computer is full of dog pictures. Aren’t New Yorkers cat people?
I can relate to your simple one hour favor. Everything seems to take an hour. I always feel like I am behind. My computer is dang feisty, like its owner…. 🙂
I have to say that building is pretty peculiar. How did they manage to put a glass contemporary doo-dad on top of an old structure?
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New York is rife with dogs and cats, Susie, but I only have a pet puppet goat, Bill E. Plans were finally filed to build a 9 story tower in 1946, but that didn’t happen. I suppose when the base was declared a landmark in 1988 that further complicated building it. When they finally did build it to the tune of $500 million, my guess is that they were very careful getting the “glass contemporary doo-dad on top of an old structure”. The base cost $2 million to construct back in 1926-27. I must now leave to have my name officially changed to Hearst T. Factoid.
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Hearst T. has a nice ring to it especially when you get thirsty… 🙂
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Thank you for sharing that observation oh clever one.
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I couldn’t help myself…. 🙂
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I don’t know–maybe it’s the weird-ass artist in me, but I kind of like the building. I’m with Cathy. I think it’s the unexpected–juxtaposition of old and new. Also, however, I also must admit to a newly-developed watch-envy. LOVE yours! Now, I’ll spare you the lame time-related pun and get back to twiddling my thumbs.
Hugs,
Kathy
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Thanks for the watch compliment. You’re the first woman under 80 to do so … That building just does not rock my world. I think it’s an eyesore.
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I don’t know when the election is in November LA, but I hope you enjoy your time away in the meantime, and I’ll be here when you get back.
And, as for that glass building… I don’t know if I like it or not, which means I mustn’t; because if I did, I’d really know, wouldn’t I? It wasn’t there when I was in New York for a day in ’93. It was a Saturday, I think.
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Only the base would have been there when you visited in ’93. I think if you liked that building it would have instantly registered “like” on your like-o-meter.
The election is Tuesday, November 6th, so I’ll resume writing about my next 350 LA’s some time after that date.
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Right, OK!
I’ll look forward to reading your new posts then!
You’re right about the building – it didn’t register with me at the time (thinking back!)
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Or, until I return, you crave a silliness fix, you can read any LA I’ve written over the course of almost the past three years. Hopefully, you won’t call up a dud.
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There is that! There are a few that I can catch up on!
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A few hundred in fact! If you decide to go completely out of what’s left of your mind.
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I don’t think it’s possible to go any further out, LA… but it’s always worth a try!
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Or as Winston Churchill once said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
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Yes… of course!
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I do admire you stoic Brits!
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I have to say, I kind of like that Hearst monstrosity. It’s weird and ill-advised. Enjoy your hiatus, hopefully we’ll be celebrating an Obama re-election upon your blogging return!
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I think “weird and ill-advised” is a spot-on description of “that Hearst monstrosity” Weebs! I’d like it more if were in Miami.
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I’ll enjoy reading the back log as I am fairy new to your Lame Adventures.. Be well. (pumps, dress and pearls?– livin’ large) I could not pull that off on my best day.
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fairy? nice typo
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Freudian typo?
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laughing….perhaps
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There are times when a cigar is just a penis.
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bahhhhh you are too funny
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Thanks Audra! You might click on a good one or … not.
I was being facetious about the pumps, dress and pearls. I don’t dress in drag.
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( I knew you were kidding and I was being sarcastic back….)
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Love what I’ve read so far on your blog and look forward to more lame adventures. Have a good break and hopefully will see you soon. Take care V! xo
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You’re a bud, Wendy. Thanks!
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I like your watch too. And I’m a grandmother, although I’m not over 80…yet. Enjoy your hiatus. Somehow that sounds gynecological. Oh, well, enjoy anyway!
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I am indeed indulging in my hiatus — and it feels good!
Thanks for giving my watch a like, and I know that you’re a youngster compared to the ladies I encounter at the bus stop.
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Are you going on hiatus so you have time to really look at that building? Because that building is….um….building-esque? Sure, we’ll go with that. I will miss your posts so I will have to refer to the past…the good ol’ days as we like to call them.
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Now that I am on hiatus S7, I could indeed look at that building, but that would be another Lame Adventure requiring a post now, wouldn’t it?
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Enjoy the run up to the election, Lame.
That building really is beyond the pale.
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I agree Kate. It seems almost as absurd to me as a shoe made out of pie crust.
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I will miss you, but I understand the need for a break. That mold stuff is bad joujou. I told our facilities people about the mold around the vent above my desk and they denied it was mold. And then went on their merry way. And I work at the Dept. of Health and Welfare. Sigh.
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We got lucky. The guy that fixes everything at my company came around on Friday and cleaned it — with Windex. Who knew — it shines and cleans mold.
I’ll be back next month, although lame adventures continue to stalk me everywhere I go.
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Pingback: Ode to the Blogosphere | LargeSelf
I was thinking of strapping a wall clock with a three month folding calendar to my arm, but everyone would just accuse me outdo you. I went for a degree in laziness and procrastination, but dropped out because it was just too much w*&k (oops, almost typed the 4 letter word).
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That’s a hilarious image, Russell — a wall clock with a three month folding calendar strapped to your arm! Please, don’t let me stop you! Go for it!
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Oh no! Well I’ll be waiting, tapping my foot waiting. And I love Thurber, the dog and the writer, the writer A LOT. xoxo
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I’m a fan of the two Thurbers, too, Maggie. Just taking a bit of time off until I resume writing about my next 350 LA’s.
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“The intersection of irritating and annoying” is now added to my vocabulary.
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CaL, that’s as rewarding a compliment to me as, “Did you lose weight?”
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Secure your castle for the upcoming onslaught. Good luck and stay safe.
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Thanks Frank! It sounds like a real Frankinstorm is heading my way, but I’m prepared. I’ve stocked up on staples and caramel apples.
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Sounds like a great plan.
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And Milton got me a cupcake so … bring it on! Or, better yet, keep it far, far away in the middle of the ocean, but that doesn’t sound likely with this one.
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Too bad no limoncello to keep you company.
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I’m not in limoncello luck.
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After the storm, be bold and take the matter into your own hands. Be on a mission to find the jar!
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Okay!
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Ha! your 350th post ey? Good milestone. Good post. I can totally relate to your sometimes thoughts on “regretting the entire trajectory of my life” … that happens often when I’m scrubbing toilets. Hopefully this little hiatus of yours helps your “one of those days” current status and you come back with all your cracking-me up humor, you know, like a how a simple label, a simple favor ends up taking an hour. HA! That’s happened so many times. Too funny, but sorry about the frustration part. Still funny though. Have a good break!
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Hey Guat, yes, I am decompressing for some weeks or maybe a month, before returning to Lame Adventures-land. A little time off is quite nice.
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Hi…one of your Loyal Seven here. I know you’re not going to post for a while, but could you just comment and let us know that you survived Sandy? thanks from Australia!
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Hi Chris, Both Milton and I were amongst the lucky ones that live uptown in Manhattan so we were spared the hardship of power outage, flooding and having to leave our homes. Our places of employ are both based downtown, they were forced to shutter last week, so we were basically on what my sidekick, Greg, referred to as “a staycation”. Milton returned to his Grind on Friday and I’m back at mine today. I’ve been suffering some survivor’s guilt but Milton rationalizes that we’ll probably pay dearly whenever a tsunami decides to take Manhattan. Thanks for thinking of me and thanks for being one of my Loyal Seven. It’s flattering to know that there’s concern for me Down Under.
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Just thought I would drop in and see how you were doing, was wondering how Sandy weathered in Lame Adventure land. Haven’t heard from you in a while and thought perhaps you’re power may still be out or something. But I read the comment up above and glad to know that you’re doing all right. Sending you some sunshine from So Cal.
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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Guat, that’s so sweet of you to think of me. I survived Sandy almost embarrassingly well — no flooding or power outages in my hood. I do plan to return to the blogosphere in the not too distant future. Thanks for caring, buddy.
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Glad to hear that you that you were doing well and dude you crack me up with your comments. The battle of LA and the Fly, with your secret weapon: Windex and a box of tampons. Love that story. It’s too bad I had no Windex or box of tampons on hand, but even if I did, don’t know how I would use them, you know standing up there on that chair. 🙂 Good to hear from you my friend 🙂
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I thought you’d appreciate that slice of lunacy to compliment your encounter with that postage stamp sized dinosaur in your kitchen. I intend to return to the blogosphere some time this month … famous last words or a nice bit of script on my cremation urn. (cough)
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Postage stamp dinosaur? HA! Duuuuuuuuuude. Where do you get this stuff? Thanks for the laugh definitely needed some today. Whenever you come back from sabbatical I’ll be waiting … with a fruit basket 🙂
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