Lame Adventure 312: Read My Mind

Flaunting my small spender status, I recently went to my go-to Upper West Side market, Fairway, and purchased this single 69¢ dinner roll, called Three Seed.

69¢ Three Seed roll or two for $1.38.

The trio of seeds is poppy, sesame, and for the third one, I’ll take an educated guess and call it bird.  Possibly one of my seven loyal readers, and I am certain that all of you minored in Seedology in college, will be compelled to enlighten me with the correct identification of this particular seed should my guess be in error.  The clerk looked at the roll, then looked at me, and asked me:

Clerk:  Is this a bagel?

Guess what I said:

  1. After I shellac it, it’s going to be a conversation piece about various ways I waste my time to avoid doing anything of worth with my life.
  1. Good question.  I was wondering the same thing.  I was sure you’d know.  Guess I need to find myself a new roll Sherpa.
  1. No.  Bagels have holes [inaudible muttering] like the one that’s expanding in my head right now.  Who the hell works in a grocery store in New York and doesn’t know a bagel?
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54 responses to “Lame Adventure 312: Read My Mind

  1. I’m frightened and confused by this behemoth.

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  2. I’m guessing some variation on sunflower seeds. My wife put me on great new diet 2 months ago which involves lots of nuts and seeds and fresh veggies. Have lost 20 pounds. But I’ve now got a strange propensity to bob my head over the dinner table when eating. I guess that’s not a real problem…so long as I don’t get on the windowsill outside my 2nd story bedroom window and try to swoop down on some insect or worm in my lawn.

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    • Hilarious Mike! If you’re on the verge of growing feathers and taking flight, maybe it’s time your wife let’s you off the diet hook. Aren’t you guys heading to France in June to celebrate your 25th anniversary? Are you losing all this weight so you can indulge in French cuisine? You know that’s not going to be comprised of nuts and seeds, but a lot of butter and cream. Quaff a supertanker of bordeaux for me.

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      • Indeed it is true that once I burgeoned to 193 pounds on my 5’7″ frame that the idea of packing on more in Paris this summer was frightening. I also thought that since my bride is closer to her wedding weight than I am to mine that I owed it to her to come back to my initial weight. Of course THAT ain’t happening but at least I don’t snooze at night and I won’t have to pay for an extra seat on the way back! Paris is still about 7 weeks off so who knows.

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      • Goddam spell check. That was supposed to read “snore” not snooze. Yes, I will always blame the technology before faulting the actual source of the misspelling.

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  3. Wow! I may have flunked Seedology, but even I know that’s a bagel!
    Hugs,
    Kathy

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  4. I don’t know about the third seed — my eyesight’s not that sharp at my age, but sharp enough to see that the thing you bought has no hole and is not a bagel. My guess is that the store employee is one of the kind I often deal with who bag cans of beans on top of your bananas.

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  5. LA, I may be wrong, but isn’t that one of the new bagels, where the hole is underneath? Maybe they’re new to New York… and the third seed is most definitely a Lablab. I looked it up on Wikipedia.

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  6. I can’t tell what that third seed is either. It almost looks like some sort of grain rather than a seed. but it’s definitely not a bagel. I can’t believe Fairway would hire an imbecile who doesn’t know the difference between a bagel and a roll. That clerk needs to bitch-smacked.

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    • Madame W, I am by nature an imbecile magnet, so it is not that shocking that I would encounter the one clerk in the entirety of Fairway’s 1000+ employees that would confuse a doorknob shaped dinner roll purchased at 6 pm for a bagel. It was probably just meant to happen.

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  7. Plant the mystery seeds. If a bird grows, you’ll have your answer.

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  8. Celery… but laughing my ass off!!!

    Thanks,

    R.

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    • “Ding, ding, ding, went the bell” Robert (and I know the Judy reference is not lost on you, pal)! You are The One in my seven loyal readers that has solved my third seed mystery! Therefore, I crown you Lame Adventures’ Magnificent Seventh, even though you had stiff competition from Tom in the UK who suggested Lablab!

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  9. I love how you can taking a boring comment and outing and turn it into a hilarious romp!…..waiting to hear which answer you chose to hurl at the seed Sherpa.

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  10. third seed is dead baby roaches!

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  11. Snoring Dog Studio

    “No, it’s an ottoman. I plan on putting my feet up on it when I get home.” Was the clerk from out of town? Clearly he needs a pastry and bread inservice.

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  12. Maybe we’re giving the clerk a bad rap. Could the item have started out as a bagel and then, through no fault of its own, morphed into what we see before us? Might it be akin to that cosmetic procedure I’ve heard about that (to possibly coin a new term) re-virginizes the nether regions, but it sort of got out of control? Need more coffee.

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    • But does that procedure, which is also available in an over the counter Acme brand kit I saw in the pharmacy section of Duane Reade (called Close That Ho(le) He’ll Never Know!) also make one puffy and round like a Three Seed roll?

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      • Haven’t met anyone who’s had procedure (either via OTC method or in plastic surgeon’s office). Would hope swelling you describe is only temporary.

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      • Back at you with the iced tea. Gotta wonder who in your family would actually check her out. Unless she made “that noise” when she sashayed across the parlor into the dining room!

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        • Winning favor with the eldest sibling and matriarch (my sister Dovima pretty much inherited that role when our mom checked out in ’99) is always a plus. I could date a circus lion(ess) and my brother, Axel, would not give a rat’s butt. Actually, he loves cats so maybe I should hook up with one of those.

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      • Let me caution you against inter-species relations. Not only are they against the law in most states (even our 2 home states of CA and MA), but there’s the fur thing. Not too mention the claws.

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  13. Whew … one thing for sure is that this post and the comments have been the best entertainment of the morning!

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  14. damn, am i too late, sugar? i thought it was the current seed of choice on the plantation: FLAX! i only guessed this because it resembles the seeds in a half full (dear god, i have no idea where the other half went and i pray it wasn’t in MY food) mason jar that my husband (bless his heart) has placed on the kitchen counter. i have no idea how he sneaks this stuff into the house, by the way. *sigh* xoxox

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    • First of all, you’re never too late to the party Savannah. Hey, of my seven loyal readers you’re the one that knew Lame practically from the beginning when I was doing thinks like finding vaccuum cleaners on the street. Flax seed is very health foodie sounding. I would think that if it was flax that would motivate Fairway to up the price another dime — if only for the publicity from me. Always good to hear from you pal!

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      • Always thought that when you say “flax seed” one sounded like Sofia Vergara describing E.D. But then someone told me it should be pronounced with a soft “s”. I guess that is apropos, isn’t it?

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  15. I see one of your readers already figured out that the mystery seed is celery (do the seeds actually taste like celery??), but i was going to guess Flax or the new ‘fashionable’ seed, Chia. Yes, remember Chia Pets? That stuff is edible! Le Pain Quotidien makes a Chia muffin that is actually pretty delicious.

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    • Do I remember Chia pets?!? Shirley, you jest Lisa! I am the harebrained mastermind behind Lame Adventures! What’s your next question, do I remember the Beatles? Seriously, I worked far too many years for a woman that assumed Chia pets were the mossy equivalent of Tiffany glass. I greatly appreciate your excellent contribution to this very informative discussion about Chia now being both a fashionable seed as well as a recommended tasty muffin (and there happens to be an LPQ near my workplace). You have certainly enlightened me! Thanks! Before I forget, my Three Seed roll’s seeds, albeit edible, were rather lacking in taste, so no I did not detect any hints of celery as I chewed. They tasted more like edible gravel.

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