I wear many hats in my department aside from my actual job as Minister of Tile Labeling. I am also Minister of Printer Repair, Minister of Replacing the Copier Paper, Minister of Unjamming the Fax Machine, Minister of Kleenex and Tylenol Replacement, Minister of Paper Recycling, Minister of Picking Up Crap on the Rug that No One Else Will Do On Their Own Volition, to name just some of my many illustrious ministries. In fairness to my sidekick, Greg, he is Minister of Band-aid replacement, Minister of Door Jamb Control, Minister of Freezer Defrosting and Minister of Coffee Brewing. Recently, my superior, Elsbeth, has added Minister of Morale to my ever-growing list of ministries. She has requested that as spiritual leader of our department I set forth an example of worker-pride that will have my colleagues, Greg and (not) Under Ling (anymore), merrily follow like lambs to the slaughter. She did not suggest how I accomplish this feat so I have been left to my own devices.
Recently, Greg mentioned that he heard that if a steak were soaked in Coca-Cola, this elixir’s corrosive properties would cause the meat to dissolve. This idea captivated (not) Under Ling (anymore). In reality Coke has been trying for years to dispel this myth along with others and they address rumors about their product on their web site. In 1950 a Cornell University professor, Clive McCay, testified before the U.S. House of Representatives that the combination of sugar and phosphoric acid in Coke destroys teeth. He observed that over the course of 48 hours, Coke can completely dissolve a tooth. Coke countered that no one has ever held Coke in their mouth for 48 hours straight and that saliva neutralizes the acids in Coke and other acidic foods such as orange juice, something equally corrosive (just ask my gastroenterologist who will not let me and my weak guts anywhere near a three block radius of o.j.). Back in the day, the president of Coca Cola, Bill Robinson, was so defensive about his product not promoting tooth decay in children he claimed, “The only way our product could harm children would be for a case of Coke to fall out a window and hit them.”
This conversation prompted Someone That Sounds a Lot Like Me to bleat:
Someone That Sounds a Lot Like Me: What a ridiculous waste of a steak! Who thinks up this crap?
Undaunted, the discussion continued and someone, possibly Someone That Sounds a Lot Like Me, suggested:
Someone That Sounds a Lot Like Me: It kind of makes you wonder what would happen if a Twinkie was soaked in Coke.
(not) Under Ling (anymore): We should do that and find out!
Seizing this opportunity to open the passageway to heightened morale I invested $3.59 in a package of Twinkies and two cans of Coca Cola, one regular and the other, diet.
(not) Under Ling (anymore) immediately announced that she wanted to soak her Twinkie in regular Coke. Always the gentleman, Greg announced:
Greg: Go for it.
Illustrated below is a completely unscientific experiment conducted over the course of 6 ½ hours. (not) Under Ling (anymore) chose to pour her can of regular Coke into the glass first. Then, she dunked her Twinkie into the brew.
Greg chose to place his Twinkie in the glass first and then he poured his can of Diet Coke over it, saturating it from the get-go.
Both Twinkies were immediately saturated with Coke to the touch, and Greg, who licked his finger announced (in response to the Twinkie in Diet Coke):
Greg: Tastes like mint.
Me: Really, not like chicken?
(not) Under Ling (anymore): No way am I tasting that!
We changed locations should any uninvited guests enter the premises and ask questions.
We resisted inhaling from this point on.
In conclusion, both sponge cakes remained only partially submerged throughout the 6 1/2 hours, never entirely sinking until Greg mixed them at the end of the day. This proved to us that they were more sponge than cake, but not nearly as appetizing as a sponge. The end result is that worker curiosity was satisfied and worker morale was easily uplifted an entire millimeter.