Lame Adventure 265: Realistic Resolutions

Are you like me?  Do you start each New Year with a set of resolutions that you spend the next twelve months failing to keep?  What are we thinking when we vow to drink less, exercise more, or shed thirty, thirteen, or three pounds?  Could we make ourselves climb a mountain that is any higher?

A dozen years into this not so new millennium, I pronounce 2012 the year we divorce ourselves from the tired cliché of New Year’s Resolutions.  Let’s decree 2012 the Year of Realistic Resolutions!  If you are unsure how to proceed with traveling this uncharted course, allow Lame Adventures to be your guide.  Illustrated below are my own resolutions from 2011 as compared with those from 2012:

2011                                                                       2012

1.  Appreciate those with opinions that         1.  Avoid idiots.

differ from your own.

2.  Exercise a minimum of five times a          2.  Quit riding the elevator from

week.                                                                       the second to the first floor.

3.  Eliminate profanity from your                    3.  Substitute asshole for

vocabulary.                                                            motherfucker.

4.  Embrace aging.                                         4.  Dye hair monthly.

5.  Swim twice a week.                                   5.  Drink more water.

6.  Complete writing your opus.                  6.  Invest in a shredder.

7.  Learn a new language.                              7.  Learn proper use of the semicolon.

8.  Run the New York City                              8.  Walk more in Central Park.

Marathon.

9.  Stop cornering Milton into doing                9.  Start cornering Coco into doing

humiliating antics.                                               more humiliating antics.

10.  Be a better person.                                 10.  See number 1.