Lame Adventure 264: Don’t Mind the Nude Guy

JetBlue Snooze Kit

I ventured my way East via the JetBlue red eye out of Oakland, not my preferred flight, but it was at my preferred price: cheap.  The midnight hour flight boarded and took off on time.  The crew was the usual, pleasant and professional.  There were not any whiny toddlers or crying babies.  All was looking great.

I was sitting in the aisle seat.  There was an empty seat between me and the other passenger in my three-seat row.  He was a guy around 30 give or take five years.  His was the window seat.  He was a handsome, buff, well-groomed, coffee color chap with an elaborate sleeve tattoo on at least one of his arms.  I only like men for their minds, so I don’t look that closely at guys.  It’s possible that both of his arms could have been tatted.  He was taking forever to shove his carry-on crap in three of the overhead bins. I found that annoying. He seemed oblivious to blocking the aisle for a million waiting passengers.

Me:  Are you ready to sit down yet?

He sat.

Also, he was reeking of pot, but that doesn’t faze me.  He did have the munchies.  Typical.

As the plane takes off, he keeps grabbing his tee shirt and fanning it like he’s a blast furnace.  I ignore his antics.  After the captain gives the okay to reactivate electronic devices, he plays with his iPad.  He had every iGadget going — the MacBook Air, the iPhone.  It’s late. I’m tired.  The crew shut off the cabin lights so we’re flying in the dark.  I close my eyes.  When I open them I notice that he’s stripped down to just his tighty whities.

I think:  What the hell is this about?

I say nothing.  There are no small fry running around or are there any kids on this flight, but Jesus H. Christ, no way would I exhibit myself on a commercial flight.  I don’t even like my Special Someone to look at me when we get horizontal, upright, sideways, on the ceiling, etc.  So, is Mr. Natural intentionally trying to freak me out because he assumes I’m a demure middle age woman?  Is he blind to my motorcycle boots, the telltale sign that I’m not quite yet the Little Old Lady from Pasadena?  I do what I always do when I encounter some idiot clamoring for attention.

I ignore him.

When the flight attendants hand out snacks and beverages, they can fully see this guy is practically naked.  When one asks him what he wants, Mr. Natural chirps:

Mr. Natural:  Cookies!

I used to eat Cap’n Crunch when I got stoned.  The attendants, three women, act like everything’s cool with this nearly naked guy in our presence.  Do they know something I don’t?  Is he our Air Marshall?  Part of me think that by keeping cool about this situation it might be for the best.  Do I want JetBlue to land the plane in Wyoming to place Mr. Natural under arrest and then I don’t get home until five in the afternoon instead of nine in the morning?  Next, I wonder:

Me:  Am I being punked?

Yet, Ashton Kutcher seems to have other things going on.  I also wonder if Mr. Natural looked like Sydney Greenstreet, would his being nearly nude then be an issue?

Sydney Greetstreet aka "The Fat Man".

After a while, I need to pee.  When I return to my seat, Mr. Natural’s in his clothes again.  Great, this aberrant episode is behind us.  He needs to get up, so he does.  He returns with two fistfuls of more cookies.  I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.  When I open them and stir, I see on my TV screen showing our route that we’re leaving Iowa and entering Illinois.  And, oh yeah, Mr. Natural’s now napping STARK NAKED with his mitts covering the sausage.

Inside my head, I’m screaming:

Me (screaming):  What the fuck is going on here?

I long to take a picture of Mr. Natural for Lame Adventures, but I’m too intimidated.  He’s clearly a gym rat with biceps the size of cantaloupes.  If he hit me he’d probably knock me straight through my seat and through the seats of all the passengers sitting behind me.  Plus, the lighting is too low.  I know I’ll need to use my flash, and that could wake him if he really is asleep.  In addition, this guy is possibly just messing with my head.  What do I do here along side a naked man sitting next to me on a commercial jet?

I resume doing nothing.

Actually, I drift back off to sleep.  When I wake, we’re exiting Pennsylvania, and he’s clothed again.  I’m now wondering if I’ve made this all up in my mind?  My shoulder was hurting before I boarded, and I considered popping an Aleve, but I was concerned that it might make me feel loopy at 35,000 feet in the air.  I’m completely drug-free and I doubt I had any contact high from the pot field Mr. Natural surely smoked before boarding.  Later, when I encounter him again standing several feet away from me at the luggage carousel, he’s staring at me.  Even though I feel his stare, I act like he’s not there.  I get my bag first and split.

When I return home, I share this tale with my buddy Coco.  She’s super straight so I figure if anyone can explain to me what was going on here with Mr. Natural, she’s the source:

Coco: Who gets naked on a plane?!?!?!!! Who strips to their underwear!??!!! How are the stewardess’s ok with this? I have never heard of anything more inappropriate! Gross! Bare ass cheeks on the seat!!!!  Maybe he was a stripper. He obviously smoked some excellent pot because he did not give a rat’s ass about anything …. except for cookies.  This is total LA!!!! That is insane! I am speechless.

I could not have surmised this better myself.

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27 responses to “Lame Adventure 264: Don’t Mind the Nude Guy

  1. Cutting a figure like Mr. Greenstreet myself I know if I pulled such a stunt the stewardess would have me stuffed into the toilet and flushed out over Dubuque – I would ask Jet Blue via letter if it is their new policy to allow passengers to fly naked and if so do they get a discounted rate for doing so – if I were sitting next to him he would have accidentally took a timberland to his groin toot sweet – arrgghh hhhaa haaa hmmm haa arggh -that was my Sydney Greenstreet laugh you know! For I like a man who likes a man who gives a naked man a shot in the groin via a timberland on a plane.

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  2. What a brilliantly bizarre story! I love when unexpected occurrences like this one trip me up, brightens my day and gives me another story to tell. I wonder if its something Mr Natural does on every flight? Or was this merely a one off?

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    • I have no idea, Josh. I was not compelled to chat with Mr. Natural. Technically, what he did is indecent exposure. I suppose there’s a first time for everything but he seemed to be the master of both getting out and getting into his clothes at warpspeed. This tells me that he might have had some practice at this. Maybe’s he’s the red eye exhibitionist?

      Thanks for visiting LA and taking the tie to comment!

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  3. Good God! I take that this is totally serious, as in not a LAME adveture–but the real kind. I think I would have said something to the flight attendant. This is bizarre. Thank God he didn’t blow up the plane or something.
    Kathy

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    • I was compelled to email JetBlue’s customer service about this incident with far more specifics than what you’ll read here in LA. Possibly this passenger has a history of exposing himself in the dark of the red eye. I’m sure if all seats in the row were filled and he was seated next to a guy Martini Max-size he would have resisted the urge to strip. At least two of the flight attendants had encounters with him while he was shirtless. I thought for certain they would say something, but both ignored it. It was too dark for them to see that he was sans trousers, too.

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  4. Are you sure you aren’t making this sh*& up? How freaking random.

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  5. I’ve read this about 4 times now and after each pass, i laugh harder and harder! so fucking funny!

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  6. All I ever get is the kid behind me kicking the seat for four hours.

    DS

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  7. Snoring Dog Studio

    A well placed hot cup of coffee would have put an end to it all.

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  8. Amazing. The funny part is that if you’d pulled out one of those little e-cigs and started puffing water vapor into the air the plane would have made an emergency landing and armed sky marshall would have escorted you out in iron shackles!

    – MJM

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  9. Reading your column earlier today made this Expedia commercial so much more humorous: “Rewards any way I travel. Except naked. What a shame.” (sings) expedia dot cooooooooommmm

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  10. It’s so obvious….he was simply getting ready for the next TSA security checkpoint/VIP room. Never can get those shoes off too early!

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  11. This. Post. Was. Hilarious. Thank you for sharing.

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  12. Thanks for the heads up on this one LA lady. I cannot imagine getting that f’ed up but my imagination turned to stone (pardon rhe unintentional pun) the day I registered as a Republican about 20 years ago.

    Of note only to me and the family, I see that you posted this one last year on D1’s 17th birthday.

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  13. This is a hilarious story! I have to say that I probably would have gasped and said, “WTF are you doing?”

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