I’m Lame Adventures Woman. I reside and work in New York City where I am a common, modestly paid office drone battling to maintain consciousness while overseeing floor and wall tile retail showroom displays. This is what NYU would prefer one does not do with an illustrious film school degree. That’s me in this blog’s banner shooting out of a cannon across the Central Park Reservoir. Yes, that is The Great Gazoo along for the ride. Flying across the park when no one is looking is what I do in my spare time. I hate that Ann Taylor Loft-type outfit that I’m wearing, but when I asked the graphic designer who created my banner pro bono to make me look more like me, i.e., clad in a black tee shirt, jeans and Jack Purcell sneakers, she said, “That will cost you.” Then, The Voice of Reason inside my head opined in a squeaky cheap tone, “Hey, at least you’re not wearing a dress.”
Essentially, I am an economic downturn motivated humorist. When the economy thrived, I wrote little more than my name on a bar tab. Following the collapse of the economy, my company laid off much of the staff and reduced the wages of those that remain employed by 20%. In response to my radically reduced income, and the scarcity of part time jobs to supplement my lost wages, I have considered one of two paths, weathering this storm in a drunken haze while practicing the Kama Sutra with mammals of various species of my own gender, or applying those watering hole funds towards catching a few films at the New York Film Festival and the occasional Broadway play. I chose the latter; even though that means I was last this sober at age eleven. To fill the significant amount of down time between films and theater, I have commenced writing short humor based on my own true, but often embellished, lame adventures.
Any similarities to persons living or dead mentioned in Lame Adventures is purely intentional, but all names have been changed so no one thus far is too pissed off.
Recurring characters include:
My closest friends:
Milton – my best bud. He considers himself Rhoda to my Mary and Lame Adventures our skewed homage to The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
Albee – my other close bud; a terrific playwright, actor and writing instructor who is the only writing teacher I have ever had in my adult life that’s inspired me, but come to think of it, his is the only writing class I have ever taken in my adult life.
Martini Max – my New Jersey-based oldest and dearest guy-friend; he hopes to be reincarnated as the second coming of Toots Shor.
BatPat – my nature loving best friend since the Carter administration.
Coco – my company’s vixen, tile showroom manager and a Christian Louboutin junkie — the bling to my yang and the wittiest woman I’ve ever known in my life.
My colleagues:
(not) Under Ling (anymore) – my quick-witted graphics design buddy, keeper of the radio and another reason why I know “the kids are all right”.
Greg – my dedicated sidekick and a gushing fountain of musical talent as seen on a music video we made in spring 2011:
Elsbeth – my boss, the Wallace to my Grommit.
My former colleagues:
Elaine – our former Marketing Director who shares my enthusiasm for film, theater and comedy, and is now living back in the UK. Boo hoo.
The Quiet Man – the guy that used to sit in the back of the office that generally tuned me out until late in the week when the weekend was in sight. An intensely private person, he is now telecommuting from his home state, something that starts with an m, so out of respect for his privacy, I’ll just say he’s moved home to Mars. We miss him.
Ling – the one, the only, the original graphic designers of graphic designers who was instrumental in making Lame Adventures get off the ground.
My West Coast-based family:
Dovima – my sister.
Axel – my brother.
Sweetpea – my niece.
Herb (with a silent h) – my brother-in-law.
Dad – my dad.
Mean Streak – my long dead childhood dog.
Thurber – the family dog residing with Dovima & Herb (with a silent h).
Published Lame Adventures:
Bag Battle — Humor Press
well is that YOU flying over the reservoir???
I like the bio.
I found your blog through your link on a NYT article comment. I love your humor and writing style. Hilarious!
Thanks for the compliment, JP. The Old Gray Lady’s been very good to Lame Adventures Woman!
You’re hilarious in a wonderful sad way. Keep up the good work.
Scallywag
Thanks Scallywag! Pass the word that I’m multipurpose — funny and depressing.
Is there a way to turn on an RSS feed for this blog, so I don’t miss any? Thanks for the chuckles.
When it comes to trying to make use of a film degree (Hunter College in my case) you are not alone, I am in the struggle as well. But passion can still allow us to win the good fight for a creative life. Nice blog!
-Jason
Thanks Jason!
I too, read a simple-yet-cute NYTimes comment you left (MakerBot!) and was inspired enough by the word “singe” to see who was behind the use of such a word in a comments comment. I love your writing. But what I’ve realized while reading some of it is how much where you grew up plays into how you connect with the way other people think and express themselves. I was born and raised in NY, but lived for 20 years in SF. Now I am traveling abroad, but when I read thoughtfully constructed thoughts from someone back “home”, I feel like I’m cuddled in the lap of proverbial grandma on the lounge chair as I eat some of her home made chocolate, smell the familiar smells and hear that damn dog barking from afar. All exhale, no breath holding.
So thanks for your bits of home made chocolate. Yum.
My OEM consultant friend says I should include this: http://www.allencraigphotography.com Sorry.
Thanks for the compliment and thoughtful reflections, Allan. Gee, this is a first for live-wire, arrested development, non-breeder me — to feel flattered about being compared to a grandmother. And are you telepathic, Kind Sir? I grew up in SF, but I’ve lived almost the entirety of my adult life in NYC. Also, thanks for sharing the link to your photography site. Nice eye!
If only for the picture of you flying over Central Park, I’m subscribing to your blog. But your very funny blog posts AND (the way I discovered you) your comment to the NYT about BRIDESMAIDS alerted you to a possible like mind. I’m hoping you might be interested to hear about what some of the rest of us not willing or able to cut it in H’wood are doing.
Though my 1st feature was in competition at Sundance, I couldn’t get my second feature funded. Eventually, it metamorphosed into a cheaper, more modest version of itself in a comedy webseries (The Louise Log) about the inner life of a NYC wife/mother who has a high-maintenance husband, an addiction to caffeine and an over-active inner voice. Hoping you might take a look. On the episodes page, there are recommendations for where to start. (You don’t have to start with #1…but nor should you start with #22 or #23…
Thank you.
Best,
Anne
Hi Anne, Thanks for subscribing to LA and for sharing the link to your webseries, The Louise Log. In some respects we are kindred spirits, but I’m more the type that forgets to remove the lens cap when I shoot. I’ve bookmarked your home page.
I thoroughly enjoyed your Comment on TPP’s NYT blog–it was touching, hilarious, very thoughtful. I am in Pondicherry, India, far from my daughters, on Father’s Day, and can only hope they will remember me with a fraction of the warmth you express for your own dad.
Thanks Adam!
Oh! I found you through a comment on some newspaper spiel… and I absolutely love your random adventures! Please, post more! =]
Thank you for the inspiration & laughs! =]
Hey Irena,
Thanks so much for visting me here in Lame Adventureland. I hope you do check back in. And yes, I am a notorious online newspaper commenter, a good/bad habit of mine. I’m humbled that you find my antics amusing and flattered that you find LA inspirational.
Love this idea for a blog! I also really enjoyed reading all the names and characters in your life. Look forward to reading more!
Thanks Jackie. I’d like to hear your banjo song whenever you post it on YouTube. Glad the name of your blog is not what’s literally going on in your life!
I still want an LA name. Also, I gave you a Liebster Blog award. So suck it! And by suck it, I mean I heart your blog.
Thanks for the seal of approval, Minx.
Go Violets! I’m making sandwiches for a living these days–which I love, but I’m sure NYU would prefer I don’t mention my M.A. but I do make good sandwiches.
Hey Maggie, I’ve checked out your site. Some of my closest friends also have degrees from N(ot) Y(et) U(seful). Your sandwiches look very tasty. Too bad they’re not available here in NYC! Thanks for visiting.
I’m from NYC too. I wish I could see it through your eyes for a while.
Hey bmj2k, just visit here whenever you feel like it. NYC tends to be this site’s star attraction.
Thank you for being a resource when I need to smile. I needed it today more than I have in quite sometime, so thanks for being there.
Hey Jessica, I’m flattered that my particular brand of silliness cheered you up! Thanks for visiting LA.
Pretty good! Entertaining. You have a good eye for interesting things.
Thanks for the flattery Paul and thanks for visiting LA. Come back whenever you’re in the mood for Gotham City silliness.
Hello!
Any chance you would ever consider going on an adventure with me?
I love the above-average adventure and many times take great photos even when the whole excursion is an absolute failure…. Anyways, just a thought and a chance to say hi! I live pretty close and would welcome the chance to meet you!
Happy New Year!!
Dorothy
Just read your post re: the writer who used to pour coffee and can’t seem to escape the label. Am now following your blog. You remind me of a dear friend from an earlier incarnation.
That’s very sweet of you Mike G. Thanks! I thought Jason Diamond’s piece, The Barista’s Curse, was spot-on. I love the Townies series, but now that I’ve outted myself about that, The New York Times will probably discontinue it.
saw the link to your blog on the comment section of the nyt article, quirky living alone. I wish i was still living in nyc. been 9 years. living alone in l.a. collecting unemployment. and do nothing all day. sleep at odd hours. fancy meals. run 4 miles. work out. do push ups. and go to bars, which is really getting boring.
Well … that might be getting boring for you, Jesse, but it sounds pretty sweet to me! Thanks for stopping by Lame Adventure-land. Come back whenever you’re in the mood to waste time.
Thanks for your comment on my story in the NY Times.
Hey Thad, thank you for taking the time to visit my site. That’s so cool. I enjoyed reading The Mountain Man very much. It’s a very well crafted tale and I kept wondering what would happen next. Here’s the link to Thad’s story for anyone visiting Lame Adventures-land that would like to read work with style and substance:
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/11/the-mountain-man/
Commiserated with your floss blog LA307. Been looking for that stuff for 7-8(?) weeks! And you might be interested in the antics…and sincere efforts of some old friends. http://www.flossing.org thanks.
David, thanks for sharing. I was completely unaware that the day after Turkey Day is National Flossing Day, but what does that make the other 364/5 days of the year, Continue to Let Your Teeth Flounder days?
Nancy,
Quite simply, best banner on the blogosphere.
Le Clown
You flatter me Le Clown.
Nancy,
Seriously, I rarely laugh out loud as it scares my kid, but I did, and I don’t care if my youngest one will have nightmares of a guffawing clown tonight.
Le Clown
If your wee one saw me jetting through your living room hoisting the Great Gazoo, he might find that even more disturbing Le Clown, but I promise I’ll remain put on the island of Manhattan.
Nancy,
Say hi to all my new yorker friends please: John Lurie, Woody Allen, Tim Gunn and others.
Le Clown
Will do Monsieur!
V,
More flattering. You and my blogroll are now bestest friends.
http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/blogroll/
Le Clown
You’re the man Le Clown, or if you prefer, you’re the clown Le Man! Thanks for the honor!
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You’re the Le Man Le Clown!
I can’t believe I hadn’t visited your about page yet. Needless to say I love your description and voice … always at a crack-me-up level
Thanks buddy!
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I saw the link to your blog when you commented on a story in the NYT. I love your sense of humor. Please keep writing!
Thanks for the follow Kathleen J in Pittsburgh. The Old Gray Lady lets me gasbag a lot probably because they’ve plopped this site in with their Neediest Cases. Please keep reading — and commenting!
I heart your blog! You are living the life I forgot to have although I am a Colgate-educated French major who’s now a receptionist. Back in the day I decided the title of my autobiography would be: “Ill Never Be Mary Tyler Moore.”
Love the Lame!
I don’t know if you’d really want my life for I nearly broke a tooth biting into a plum with a pit that’s the size of an elephant’s left nut and after peeing for the twelfth time today, I realized that I put on my underwear inside out this morning. The Lame Adventures just keep on coming as long as I breath fresh Gotham City soot. Thanks for the follow, the heart and the comment Flowers make me sneeze.
Well I shouldn’t have given you the pink flowers that you will never wear. I have those pink flowers in pots on my deck but I don’t know what they are. I have two chipped teeth. You can’t really see the chip but you can feel it. No, feel it, front tooth, it’s right there! see?
Chipped teeth are the mark of true genius.
I miss the UWS, my sister used to live on 82nd between Columbus and Amsterdam. Love that ‘hood. Can’t believe she moved to Denver, what about my needs?
My sister, Dovima, had the decency to stay put in the SF Bay Area so I get to freeload off her and my bro-in-law, Herb (with a silent H), a few times every year. Their dog, Thurber, plays with me, and their almost-woman-child, Sweet Pea, is assigned to talk to me. I’m sorry that your sister left Paradise for Denver but at least she didn’t move to Cucamonga (yet; you might want to call her about that soon).
Thank God it was only the size of a left nut because, as we all know, the elephant is testicularly unbalanced and his right nut is wayyyy bigger.
Thank you for adding validity to my claim wing-man.
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Hi LA, I’m just having a rummage through some earlier posts, and noticed your About page. I see you have a good cast of characters to work with… I may need to add one of those to my pages, although a lot of my cast are imaginary or made up people. Sometimes, I think I’m imaginary or made up too, so that’s not a problem. And some of them aren’t even people, so there you go.
Just noticed your alter ego there… your secret identity… would you prefer being referred to as Nancy rather than LA? Just thought I’d ask being the polite Brit that I am, although not that polite apparently, as I abbreviated your screen name the moment I read it!
Not that your adventures are lame, I must add, they’re good. Very good in fact.
Thanks for a fun blog!
Nice to see you over on this side of the silliness Tom. Continue to call me LA or you can call me V (as my friends often do). Yes, I know what a polite Brit you are and I’m very familiar with your characters. What, Walpole’s not puttering around right now in middle earth under New York State?!? Be well with the hair gel buddy!
Great job yesterday Nancy! Take today to rest your counting fingers. Hope you and your pendulum have a great remainder of the Labor Day weekend.
Great job back at you Maggie! It was fun and I had to acknowledge your clever nod to Dickens even though I’m essentially an illiterate. Hey, you can call me V.
I am starting with this page first on my archival of LA. I keep missing everyone’s about page.. dumbass that I am. Enjoyed the back story
You might call yourself dumbass Audra. I call you a devoted reader, buddy!
Just checking to see if you’re ok.
I’m okay. I emailed you at home.
Good to hear that Sandy didn’t get the best of you.
I’m saving that for when I meet Miss World.
Hope she’s able to understand what you are saying.
Happy Thanksgiving! You are past due for a post. Just sayin’.
Hey Maggie! I was just thinking about you, buddy — and left a comment over at your site! I know, I know, LA is way overdue for a new post but I’ve been working on my “Manhattan Project” and it’s taking longer than I anticipated. This may sound like a phony excuse for actually lying around in a hammock while throwing a string ball up and down, but I will announce what I’ve been doing when it’s done. I do hope to return to LA soon. Adventures have been happening and it is a bit frustrating not sharing them with my loyal following of seven. Happy Turkey Day back at you, pal!
Don’t believe it. You are with Hillary in Egypt discussing The Gaza Strip. Sounds like a Bedouin exotic dance hall.
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I’m so happy to have randomly found your blog. I, too, was a film school graduate (CalArts if you must know) and have weathered many economic downturns (no need to say how many) and live in Brooklyn (I know, you WILL forgive me, right?).
Gee, that’s very kind of you, Heidi.
There’s nothing to forgive about living in Brooklyn! Some of my best friends live there and I would, too, if I ever lose my sweet deal here in Manhattan. Economic Downturn could almost be my middle name.
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I love that photo! I really like your writing style too. I found myself chucking out loud while reading this. I look forward to reading future posts.
Thanks for putting a smile on my day.
Getting shot out of a canon over the Central Park Reservoir is one way to avoid riding public transit. Thanks for the follow!
I’ve nominated you for an award. Check it out. http://lifeonwry.com/2013/05/07/feeling-lucky/
Thanks.
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