Lame Adventure 309: Eye Catchers

Every so often I hang out with my friend and fellow blogger, Natasia, from the demurely named site, Hot Femme Writing in NYC.  On this particular get-together we are walking down my block to my sanctum sanctorum when she notices the Recreational Vehicle that has been polluting my Upper West Side neighborhood for years.  It’s curbside blight that I have written about before.  Tas reacts like she’s had a celebrity sighting.

Easily confused with Angelina Jolie on a bad hair day.

Tas:  Hey, there’s that RV you hate!  It’s almost parked in front of your building.

Egging me on, she adds:

Tas:  That pisses you off, doesn’t it?

It does, but I am a self-control machine.  Therefore, I say nothing other than a low growl.  My contempt for this vehicle strikes me as ridiculous considering that I spend most of my time in one of four places – inside my apartment, inside a subway station or train, inside my office, or outside in general Gotham City.  I spend very little time on any given day standing like a doofus in front of my building hyperventilating about a legally parked eyesore.  Yet, irrationally, whenever I see that unsightly trash barge on wheels hogging space outside my door, it sets me off like a Roman Candle.  At that particular moment, I know my blood pressure is rising.

Tas:  Look, matzo!

I assume that she is firing her special brand of snark at me.  I detonate:

Me:  What are you talking about?  Why are you yammering about matzo now?  It’s out of season; it’s May!  You told me you wanted to eat a baguette!

I pause for breath half-wondering if the chest pain I feel is gas or a heart attack, and if it’s the latter, will she hesitate to call an ambulance from the iPhone that seems surgically attached to her mitt?  Ignoring my conniption Tas points at the vehicle and insists:

Tas:  Matzo!

Displaying her own level of self-control, she resists adding for emphasis:

Tas:  Look dumbass!

Window dressing matzo — move over Martha Stewart.

Me:  Huh!  How’d they do that?  Gee, good eye, Tas.

We conclude it’s probably very stale and walk on.

A few days later, I’m running an errand for dish soap.  As I wait to cross Broadway at 77th Street, I look up at a boring high-rise apartment building.

Another innocuous tall box that could have been designed by Ambien.

This is the exact kind of building I usually find invisible, but this time I do a double take.

That mannequin’s butt naked! Hide the small fry!

Logically, this naked mannequin might belong to an artist or designer, but illogically and based on nothing other than my own imagination run amuck, I make the assumption that it might belong to someone with kinky proclivites.  Hm, all roads return to artist or designer.  My next thought is I wonder if they own or rent?

My favorite eye catching sites are the Peter Woytuk bronze sculptures that dot the Upper West Side.  Three of them are in a three and four block radius of my home base.  Last year, he had a giant blue kiwi on display outside the 72nd Street subway entrance (or exit if you’re leaving instead of entering).  That big blue bloated bird (try saying that three times fast) has now been replaced with a raven standing tall atop a cluster of apples bringing to mind Edgar Allan Poe, fruit that’s available year round and an impressive balancing act.

How do you like them apples? I do! I also like the raven on top.

I admire his three fat hens planted in the median on Broadway outside Fairway.

“How dare you call us fat!”

My blood pressure appreciates all of these sculptures and I would welcome any one of them outside my building.

This might also scare away the rats and skunks.

37 responses to “Lame Adventure 309: Eye Catchers

  1. Not really sure why someone living on UWS of NYC would even own an RV, much less such an eyesore. Glad to know the owner is keeping kosher, though.


    • Well, it is a very safe neighborhood populated by thousands of dipshit liberals (myself included) that love to grouse but we wouldn’t take any real action against this eyesore. I assume it’s occupied by someone that bottomed out when the economy tanked. It’s better that they live in that decrepit tube than Central Park.


  2. i’m thinking of getting a butt-naked mannequin to pal around with me for fun. Just because.


  3. For several years our neighbor in the duplex across the street parked his COMCAST van in front of our Victorian homes. My next-door neighbor threatened to come out at 2 a.m. and spray paint FiOS on the van. But, she got out; she moved. Finally he moved. For a while, too, the neighbor in the adjoining duplex parked a dump truck our front. The only good thing about these two large, unsightly vehicles is that they obstructed our view of those trashy neighbors. The duplex, by the way, is owned by a member of our town council. He decided not to run for office next election.


  4. The ravens also remind me of that old aesops fable, the one about the raven that drops stones into a bucket of water until it rises to the top and he can drink it. I think the moral of the story is hard work pays off…dumbass.


  5. I am obviously not spending enough time on the UWS, I’m missing all the good stuff. I love the matzo “shades” in the RV, but I think my favorite part of this post was your caption, “Another innocuous tall box that could have been designed by Ambien.”


  6. michaeljmcfadden

    Like the fruits, could pass on the hens, LOVE the thought about the rats and that one sculpture!



    • Those plump hens are too Botero-like for you Michael? I’m pretty sure that Peter Woytuk has also designed bronze sculptures featuring rats, but I don’t think they made the public art display grade over here, probably because most New Yorkers have plenty of real life rat sightings every day. Ravens and hens are not as common.


  7. May I suggest you get yourself a butt-naked mannequin and carry it with you everywhere you go for a day or a week? Pull it in a wagon or something. Then write about it. Talk about a Lame Adventure. You could even amputate one of its legs, so it’s literally lame!


  8. Mannequin Skywalker … is what I would name a mannequin. If I had a mannequin. And were a “Star Wars” fan.”


  9. Heres an eye catcher!—


  10. Snoring Dog Studio

    Yes, there’s no way to look at that trash barge as sculpture. I really enjoy sculpture in the city, placed here and there as part of the landscape. We have a sculpture downtown here depicting two pioneers and several native American Indians discussing something. One of the Indians is pointing off in the distance. Unfortunately, he’s pointing across the street at the parking garage. “Pretty good parking there, white man. Hourly rates are decent.”


    • That’s hilarious, Jean! Possibly because I’m such a tactile type I enjoy sculpture, too. There’s a lot of bronze sculptures in all shapes and sizes in Manhattan. I think bronze suits the city well since it’s heavy and harder to steal.


  11. A butt-naked mannequin in a Cincinnati window who spawn a long city council debate and eventual ordinance.


  12. This banter cracks me up! You two must be a blast to listen to. I love the “Ambien” building and your distaste in RV’s! Hilarious!


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