Over the weekend I was busy multitasking; celebrating the New Year while mourning the impending death of my 17-day vacation when WordPress, this blog’s Content Management System, sent me an email called “Your 2010 year in blogging.” This immediately added to my overall feelings of malaise, but after downing a glass of liquid courage that tasted a bit like Pinot Noir flavored Palmolive, I belched a soap bubble, and then read their missive.
Between late January, when I launched this site through December, WordPress calculated that I have had enough page views to fill thirty 747’s, but since I prefer to fly JetBlue, I recrunched their numbers and calculated that my audience can actually fill 83.706666 Airbus A320’s out of JetBlue’s fleet of 115 Airbus aircraft. They rated my blog’s health a “wow” and said, “We think you did great!”
Really? I did great. Hm. Last week’s blizzard that engulfed New York canceled more than 4000 flights. That’s a very humbling statistic as I consider my blog only accounts for 83 of those planes. Therefore, I suspected that they massaged every blogger’s fragile ego with airplane spin. I asked Milton if he received a similar email:
Me: Did you hear from WordPress about your 2010 stats?
Milton: Why would WordPress contact me?
Me: To praise you about how well your blog did.
Milton: I wrote four posts.
As usual, Milton was exaggerating; I am quite sure he published closer to fourteen posts, rating at least a helicopter’s or hang glider’s level of back pat in my opinion. He has yet to receive his email, and I felt a bit sheepish mentioning mine to him, so we quickly changed the topic when he started giggling:
Me: What’s so funny?
Milton: They thought I was in here jerking off.
“They” is a reference to his colleagues. Milton was in his conference room at work in lower Manhattan talking to me on his cell phone.
Me: Why would they think that?
Milton: Didn’t I tell you about him?
Me: There’s a guy in your office that spanks the monkey in the conference room, and you can hear the slapping sounds?
Milton: Yes, and leave it to you to add an audio cue to that description.
The top five most popular search terms that visitors used to find my site are in descending order:
5. brunhilde: This smells like my buddy, Martini Max, in a tribute I wrote to him on his birthday recounting his ex-wife, Bruni, a lass that despised us all.
4. courtney love: For all you Courtney fans, you may or may not be disappointed when you see Lame Adventures Courtney, a scantily dressed drag queen that does bear a distinct resemblance to the rocker, especially after she kicked … cheese. Click #3’s link below and scroll through the pictures for a glimpse of the she-male version of the notorious chanteuse.
3. sexy boys: This, Milton and I both knew would be one of my more viewed posts when we went out of our minds photographing 2010’s Gay Pride parade. To my gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender audience, thanks. To all you horny young straight dudes that drool over that post, what the hell, thank you, too.
2. plate of spaghetti: This is a complete head-scratcher to me. Last February, I snagged a picture of a plate of spaghetti off the web, and every day someone out there accesses my site via that image. I wonder what might overtake it in 2011, images of foot fungus, glitter (that will surely come via another Milton contribution), Mr. Bill, Thurber, etc?
For plate of spaghetti fans, click on the link below for a fix:
1. marvin: Yes, marvin is my #1 search term thanks to Milton referring to my tennis hero, Rafael Nadal, as Marvin the Martian, due to his oversized US Open sneakers:
Next post, I will recount what life is like as I enter my seventh year of checking my dreams at the door of the tile and bath fixture showroom where I oversee labeling and early onset misery amongst my dedicated peers Lame Adventures 2011-style.