Lame Adventure 36: The Calculations of Light

I had a very exciting weekend.  When I turned on my writer’s lamp, the bulb blew out.  This was not headache inducing for I had a spare bulb, an energy saving 8,000 hour mini-spiral bulb to be specific.  According to my calculations, if I burn my light every week for approximately 28 hours (a liberal estimate) this bulb should last almost five and a half years.  Since this was my only energy saving mini-spiral bulb, as well as my only spare light bulb overall, and I have a second lamp that currently has an energy spending standard bulb, I conclude that this is a good time to go to the store and pick up a backup bulb.

Therefore, I walk over to my neighborhood Duane Reade, and as fate would have it, they have Ecospiral Eco-friendly mini-spiral bulbs on sale, five for $10.  Yet I only need one, so I ask the clerk for a price check on a single bulb.  He accommodates my request and tells me that one bulb costs $4.99.  Even though I only need a single backup bulb, it makes better economic sense to purchase five so that is what I do.

According to the packaging, my five new Ecospiral bulbs are so long lasting, at 15,000 hours a bulb, it appears that I now need to revise my will since it seems highly likely that my light bulbs are going to outlast me.  Let’s do the math. 75,000 hours worth of Ecospiral bulbs, divided by an average 28 hours of weekly use amounts to 2,678.5714 weeks of light, divide that by 52 and the total equals 51.510988 years worth of light bulbs.

My descendants.

If I never shut off my writer’s lamp again, and burn my six environmentally-friendly spiral bulbs continuously, albeit not a very environmentally-efficient course, 83,000 hours of light divided by 8,760 (the number of hours in a year) equals 9.4748858 years of continuous light, and one supremely pissed off landlady since my building is electrical inclusion meaning I never have to pay an energy bill.  This inconvenient idiocy might also earn me a hard backhand from Al Gore when no one is looking.

This is how you thank me for inventing the Internet?

I call Milton.  He’s in a lather over Rihanna.  Apparently, he just saw her on TV while channel surfing.

Milton:  Every time I see this woman, she’s upstaged by her outfit.

Rihanna clad in Venetian blinds.

Me:  Do you use energy efficient light bulbs?

Milton:  I don’t, but I should.

Me:  I bought five today.  They were on sale.  They’re so long lasting, like over ten years a bulb, it’s inevitable that I’m going to be leaving some of these things in my will to Sweet Pea.

Milton:  I’ll take one.  I’ll eventually need a light bulb.

Me:  Do you want it now or do you want me to will it to you?

Milton:  You decide.

Me:  I don’t get it.  How can these light bulb manufacturers stay in business if they’re making bulbs so energy efficient, they’re going to outlast the consumer?

Milton:  I don’t know what to tell you about that; I’m still trying to figure out Rihanna.  Give me Cher.

Greetings to Milton from Cher.

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