I am out of my comfort zone: soot-infested, fast-paced, people-packed, pissed off Manhattan island. My special brand of sour and I are in sunny California where people are polite and like to smile. Okay, I will admit I did learn a few manners when I grew up out here, but I always was at my core, even as an essentially mopey moppet, a New Yorker.
I am visiting my family and friends in the San Francisco Bay Area. As usual, I am staying with my sister, Dovima, and brother-in-law, Herb (with a silent h). Father’s Day is Sunday so I will soon see my Dear Old Dad. His gift this year from me is a copy of my recently published book. Dovima told me that he likes the cover a lot. But what might my 86-year-old pappy with a heart condition think of the contents? Part of me is inclined to censor all the profanity and any hints that I’m still an actively horndog lesbian even while deep in middle age when I should have a kernel of dignity. Then, there are the silly stories such as my lusting after a deformed muffin. But if I ripped and blacked out all these passages, that would limit my tome to little more than the cover photo and the title page. Dad might notice that something not very ha ha funny was up with it and that could offend him even more. So, I’m living on the edge, he’s getting the real deal book and hopefully his ticker can take it.
Meanwhile, I had planned to publish an entirely different post with a story to it, but unfortunately, only four of the images on my camera will download onto my sister’s PC. And these are four images that I shot in New York that have nothing to do with the story about The Dog on the Plane. A story that will be told later. Now I have four images sitting in my sister’s picture file that look like this.
Bubble wrap and packing pellets in the hallway at The Grind.
I don’t know why I shot the bubble wrap and the packing pellets in the hall at work. Maybe I was thinking that they make a nice couple. The problem picture that might detonate Dovima is the one below. Actually, I have three of these shots that downloaded onto her PG-rated PC. This one is the most family friendly.
Flattened feathered friend.
Now, I have to figure out how the hell to delete this file from Dovima’s kind and gentle computer, a computer that is primarily loaded with folders full of pictures of my niece, Sweet Pea, the dog, Thurber, and lovely getaways she’s taken with Herb (with the silent h). I’m a dedicated Mac user. PC’s and I are not simpatico. I hope I don’t somehow hit all the wrong buttons and this pigeon in rigor mortis on West End Avenue in New York City becomes my sister’s new wallpaper replacing the lovely shot of my niece nuzzling Thurber. But, were this to happen, it would surely make for a funny story. (ahem) In a few years from now.
Lame Adventures 
Wallpaper — funny. I have Mac files of those funny stories that happened back when they weren’t funny. Enjoy sunny, low-humidity California!
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Thanks Samantha. I intend to be mellow for a few days before returning to my normal self, jaded.
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Since pigeons are merely flying rats, and, therefore related to tree rats (aka squirrels) neither D2 nor I see an essential problem with the photo of the late flying disease carrier. Reminds one almost of the Python Dead Parrot Skit. And it’s definitely not, in the words of Michael Palin, merely “pining for the fjords.” I wonder whether he gave thought to changing his surname in 2008?
Hope your dad perks up upon reading your deliciously snarky collection of essays. Speaking as a dad with 2 daughters myself, I am sure anything his little princess publishes will be met with great joy. Regardless of how horny a middle-aged lesbian she is.
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… “his little princess” — ha! More like his little soft butch that he always tolerated rather well. Thanks for the reflections about dead squab. Always good to hear from you!
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I’m with Mike. As a father of a lesbian daughter, any snarky comments and stories she wants to write is fine by me. After all, she gave me my first David Sedaris book and I’ve been begging her to hand over her copy of his latest release, but I can’t seem to pry it from her grip.
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Maybe Greta’s the type that would like to finish reading it first, Russell.
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Virginia, I hope you have a great time in SF! Read your blog often… I am quasi retired and don’t miss the “grind” of working in “the” business at all! Dog, Django and I enjoying life in the country. If you ever head slightly north give us a jingle… would be great to see you. Congrats on your writing and published work. Best, Cheryl Ricci Kopczynski
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Thanks Cheryl. Good to hear from you! Maybe we can hook up whenever I get around to being here for a longer visit.
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But if I ripped and blacked out all these passages, that would limit my tome to little more than the cover photo and the title page. ”
One of my planned projects if I ever have the equipment and the time is to make a “family friendly” version of Casablanca with all scenes with smoking, smoke, references to such and depictions that include smoking paraphernalia in the background, excised in one-minute segments (The “one-minute segment” method is what the Smoke Free Films people use when making up their stats.) TV shows like Dexter and Hannibal would both get A or A+ child-friendly ratings. Dexter might only get the plain A because his sister used to smoke once in a while, and a season or two ago they included a shot of pedophiles smoking in a cardboard box ghetto under a bridge.)
I have an idea that the Casablanca result would be similar to your censored book! LOL!
:>
MJM
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I have an idea that Warner Bros might slap you with a lawsuit of you monkeyed with their classic, MJM. You might be better doing an animated version with stick figures to play it safe. Good luck!
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A dog named Thurber is one of the best things EVER!
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I have a picture of him, but it wouldn’t download Maggie! And yes, he is one of the best things EVER. He remembered me as soon as he saw me. He’s like a nephew.
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You are full of adventures — none of them lame. I hope you have a lovely time with your Dad, his Ticker, and your family. Incidentally, as I was responding to your comments (on my post) I was momentarily distracted and read that your niece’s name was Thurber and the dog was Sweet Pea. Also cute. And pretty PG rated.
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Sweet Pea and Thurber are rivals Tania! It didn’t help matters when I once told her I’ve written him into my will.
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Modified sibling rivalry. I think you may be on to something!
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Thurber is such a charming pooch! Sweet Pea sees him as a sucker upper.
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Enjoy mellowing out for a few days. I vote for inserting new wallpaper on your sisters pc. Give her a little piece of NYC.
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Ha! … I don’t think I’m that much of a prankster though, Audra. Or maybe I’d just rather not stay in a hotel.
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You’re not a prankster ?? Just a sour city gal?
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Sour prankster?
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I’m with Audra. What else is new?
Go Sawx!!!!
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Of course you are. You’d love the Dovima Smacked Me with a Skillet post.
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I’m thinking the open side of the pan meets your kisser. But in true Looney Tunes fashion, nobody REALLY gets hurt. Right?
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A la Wile E. Coyote
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My mentor.
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Mentor or doppelgänger? Tomato, tom-ah-to. Regardless, Acme Products’s # 1 customer.
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Are you just showing off that you’ve figured out how to find an umlaut on your iPhone?
Yes, mentor, and yes, Acme Brand’s #1 customer. The best spring shoes to launch oneself into the side of a mesa.
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Nah, it was just the iPad’s default. It recognized the umlaut in doppelgänger. It also recognizes tildes in words like niño and circumflexes in words like table d’hôte. Pretty cool. Makes government drones like me look urbane. Kinda like an Algonquin in search of a round table .
Speaking of gov’t drones, I need to go through about 6 billion phone calls tomorrow. Usurping your civil liberties one electronic communication at a time.
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If you had an LA name it would be Algonquin and that sounds pithier than Gov’t Drone. If you go through my phone calls, you’ll surely need a nap afterward. My phone calls could put Sominex out of business. Most are like this:
Me: Hey. Almost there.
Milton: When you get here I’m already in line.
Me: Cool. I’m about a block away.
Milton: Okay.
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Dovima is highly amused about this. Phew! … But I was also able to delete the file.
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Yay mike!! How goes my fave Sawx fan?
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Glad you safely made it to the west coast. Meanwhile, love the bubble wrap and packing peanuts. Are the PB biodegradable ones that you can eat? Anxious to hear your dad’s comments about the book. Meanwhile, have a good stay … hi to Thurber.
FYI: Author James Thurber was an Ohioan.
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Have you ever been to the Thurber house, Frank? If so, and if you blogged about it, give us the link! If not, maybe one day you’ll visit and write about it?
The peanuts are not the corn starch ones. Boo hoo.
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Even though I had several teachers who raved about and used Thurber stories in class, I’ve never been to the Thurber House – but now that you have mentioned it, maybe I will someday. Here’s the link to their site …. and down on the left side you will notice they have a blog – and it’s powered by WordPress. http://thurberhouse.org/
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Thanks for the link, Frank. Wish I knew about it 4 years ago when I was last in Columbus. I noticed a cartoon dog at bottom of the page there. Do you think it’s relates to Thurber in SF?
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Mike … not sure …. I haven’t thought about Thurber for years, but didn’t he include a dog in his writings?
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That’s my recollection and maybe that is why LA woman’s sister has a dog named Thurber…or why our blogging friend has decided it was an apt nom de guerre for the pooch.
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It’s his nom de guerre even though he looks like a Thurber dog albeit smaller. [insert loud sigh] Check link I sent Frank.
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I think the animal on the lower left of the home page is a sea lion. Look at it again. It has flippers.
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Lower right cartoon drawing: “it is better to have loafed…”
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You’re right. That creature is indeed a dog — much like Thurber lying next to me sacked out on his side.
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Is where you call Home Sweet Home in Ohio anywhere near the Thurber House, or would this be a major across the state excursion for you, Frank? As I’m writing this Thurber is lying on the floor next to me. He just belched.
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The Thurber House is in Columbus, and I should be able to get to the house in about 90 minutes, mostly interstate travel … so not too bad. But I have an idea when I may stop in up there! … .Give Thurber a pet for me.
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I just gave him a biscuit and said it was from you. He likes you very much Frank.
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Alright …. Thurber and I are pals!
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I do think there would be real life chemistry Frank.
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V,
I suspect your dad will enjoy the book and realize what a funny daughter he has. From what you’ve said about your parents, he’ll be okay. Dovima, on the other hand may be somewhat shocked about: a) the dead pigeon on her computer and b) why you felt the need to photograph it in the first place. Good luck with that. And as you and I have discussed before, PCs are just evil. They have minds of their own and are completely contrary. My Mac has a totally different attitude – basically I turn it on and it bows and says: “How may I serve you?”
Cathy
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Cathy, Dovima was rather amused by this dead pigeon situation — after I assured her that I did delete the contents of the file. Excellent summary about Macs and PC’s. Plus the Mac is so much prettier!
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Yes, as an Industrial Designer (in another life and somewhat it this one, too) the aesthetic of the Mac is much more pleasing.
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I would marry my Mac if I could.
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If it weren’t for Peter, me too!
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Easy on the agenda lady. Let the SCOTUS take care of same sex marriage first. Thanks.
Your friends at the Human Rights Campaign.
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Yeah, I’ve been wondering which way that ruling will go this month. There might be a lot of LGBT depression in time for pride if they rule against it.
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I don’t work well with PCs either. It’s almost like I’ve never used a computer before when I encounter one.
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I have always thought that PC stands for Pretty Confusing.
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Well, your Dad will likely survive the experience. Hey, he might not understand 85% of what you’ve written! He’ll probably focus mainly on the photos. I think.
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Dovima thinks he shouldn’t have any problem with it, but he already told me that his eyes hurt and he doesn’t like to read anymore. I’d do an audiobook version for him, but he doesn’t hear that well anymore.
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V, it’s cloudy and in the 60’s here so soak up that sunshine. I am popping in to say hey and to tell you that I am GOING to buy your book. If you knew all the crapola I’ve been going through lately, you’d understand. Anyhoo, safe travels and I’ll just bet your Dad will love your book and be so proud. As he should be. Seriously, don’t put the pigeon pic up on Sis’s computer. What if little bunnies and rainbows showed up on your screen saver? How would you feel? Just kidding — have a wonderful time in the sun, sista!
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Hey Brig! Great to hear from you, sista! My dad loves the cover, so that’s a good start. The weather is beautiful here (I’m actually in Marin county). This afternoon I am actually going to do the h-word, go hiking. Hopefully, I won’t need any air lifting. That’s so kind of you to support my book! No rush to get it. I think it’s going to be around a while … I hope!
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I could tell you were a “Mac person” from the way (innocuous though it was) you mentioned your sister’s PC. Mac people seem to view the PC as a foreign land, and its users as–perhaps not “the enemy,” but certainly as folks not to be trusted. You might infer from this that I hail from PeeCeeistan. In fact, I have dual-citizenship.
Is the H silent in Herb for good reasons? It is the Bay Area after all. “The Bay Area” is such a broad term, though. Some people (although I doubt you do) include San Jose and even Tracy and Modesto. San Jose–okay, I can see that geographically, but Tracy and Modesto are straight-up San Joaquin (some people–by which I mean mostly me–lump all those places together as ‘Fresno”).
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Smak, I don’t see PC peeps as the enemy at all and I am also a dual-citizenship holder because the computers at The Grind are PC’s. Yet, I still find them baffling and user-unfriendly. A programmer I once knew in the 90s, a PC man, once told me that one’s choice of computers is as sacred as one’s religion. When I saw him about ten years ago, and told him I went Mac he looked so disappointed. It’s the same look I get from my more deep blue friends when I reveal I have friends that are Republican.
No, Herb (with a silent h) is not an herbal essence user … in this millennium.
I agree with you about Tracy and Modesto not being in the Bay Area. Back in the day, those places were part of my dad’s territory when he was a traveling salesman. Dovima sees San Jose as being part of the Bay Area. That works.
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I went Mac he looked so disappointed….when I reveal I have friends that are Republican.
You hit on something that I think is an increasing danger in our society–the “us against them” mentality. It’s pretty obvious in things like politics, but I think it’s reflected more subtly in things like computer preference, shopping and dining habits, and the like.
I was recently talking to a friend about computers, and referring to PCs, this friend quite blithely called them “what you people use.” I thought it was funny–I’m not easily upset by word choices (although try as I might to eschew them, I do have my sacred cows), but I thought it nicely illustrated the divide.
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I know what you mean about the divide, but my friends tend to be pretty open minded and sane even when we agree to disagree.
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Be sure and wave when you fly over on the way home. I’ll be the dorky one in overalls and a straw hat.
If you want, I can round up some dead armadillos and possums for your upcoming picture book – LA Woman, Dead Animal Photographer.
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I’ve only seen live critters out here Russell, but I did think the two raccoons I glimpsed doing it in the road (this is true) were living on the edge of being road kill.
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Sounds like they took the old Beatles song seriously – Why don’t we do it in the road?
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Funy you should mention that Russell! That’s exactly what I said to my friend, BatPat, when we saw them! So much for “no one will be watching us”.
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Call me crazy, but I like that bubble wrap picture as well — for some odd reason. Enjoy your visit with family! Looking forward to some more ‘lame adventures’…
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I did not know that you’re a fellow packing materials connoisseur Sandee. There will be more LA’s when I’m back on my Mac!
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Hope you’re having a great time in California. Has your dad read your book yet? I hope he loves it. Autograph a copy for him. 🙂
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Thanks for the advice Jackie. I did pack my quill, even though my dad might say, “Don’t bring that into my house!”
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Enjoy the west coast while you can (perhaps I’ve been watching too many old California into the abyss movies lately). I share your pain in trying to use a computer that doesn’t speak Mac. I mean, what’s with that? As I prepare for a trip I’m trying to upload photos and schedule some posts so I don’t have to deal with “other computer” issues. Oh the price we pay to travel the world!
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One day I’ll travel with an iPad Terri. Instant fix (I think; or maybe you get one first and tell me).
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Actually that’s what was giving me problems uploading photos. But I think I was using wordpress on safari when I should have just been using the wordpress app (which I have). I’m going to get this sorted out one of these days! But otherwise I love my ipad – I’m on my second one – not the very newest version but one with a camera. It is really nice when you travel as you can download photos and see them in a BIG version, compared with the camera screen. Oh I do love good toys!
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Good to know! And I love good toys, too, Terri.
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OMG–can’t wait to hear the dog-on-the-plane story. As you know, I fly quite a bit with one or the other of our two dogs, so this should be good!
Glad you decided to give your dad an uncensored version of your book. Sara and I both loved it–the perfect wedding gift as well! Gosh, it was fun running around Manhattan with you and Jackie!
Sara and I have finally moved into our house and furniture (some of it) arrived over the weekend. Now we have something to sit on. Maybe that means I can write.
Hugs,
Kathy
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Great to hear from you Kathy! I’m still out on the West Coast but will be back in the Apple soon ready to spew more Lame Adventures. So glad that you guys enjoyed the book. Maybe we can market it as the perfect last minute wedding gift before settling down in another part of the world? Yeah, your wedding was a blast and I am very glad that Jackie and I are now friends.
I hope to speak to you soon off site.
V
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A dog on a plane? My mind is boggling. Was it hand luggage? NO, no, don’t tell me. I’ll wait for the post.
Hope you have a great time out there, Lame.
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It was a real pooch, Kate. I returned to NYC today, Kate, and I have so much catching up to do! I did have a great time.
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I just flew back from SoCal myself and boy, are my arms tired. (http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot)
Seriously, ladies and germs, I had a good time seeing grandkids and doing the 12 hour Disneyland marathon. Going out on JetBlue, there was a woman with a little dog in a carrier so I’d be interested to hear your story about the dog on the plane. Beats snakes on a plane, anyway. Welcome home!
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You’ve come back from your getaway in fine form! I feel about ready to be scraped off the floor with a spatula. I fly JetBlue, too, but on the red eye which was delayed over an hour due to some runway hassle at JFK. Dogs fly JetPaws (and I suppose cats do, too)! Just leave the ferret at home.
I’ll post something soon about my visit West.
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How large would that spatula have to be? Where does one purchase a spatula large enough to scrape a person (albeit an economy sized writer) off the floor? Crate and Barrel? Bed Bath and Beyond? Spatulas ‘R Us?
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Maybe the city can hire a few unpaid interns to clean me off the linoleum with their tooth brushes.
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Well, I was in need of being scraped up by a spatula last night. Although I went out on JetBlue, we (my daughter and her family) came back on Delta—on one of those small, regional jets that squash everybody together with just two seats on each side of the aisle. Kind of like being on the bobsled ride at Disneyland. We had to fly first to Salt Lake City and then got on another trash compactor impersonating a plane for the last leg to Austin. I had never been to Utah before. From overhead the Great Salt Lake looked quite murky—but maybe it was just my window, which was clouded with condensation between the pieces of glass. Didn’t instill a lot of confidence in airline maintenance.
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If I can’t fly non-stop, I’d rather not go. Milton once had to fly on a small plane when he personally integrated New Hampshire for a weekend a few years ago. He’s been turned off flying ever since.
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I’ m thinking he’s turned off on NH as well; Ken Mehlman and his recent efforts notwithstanding.
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http://gawker.com/5642206/comedian-live+tweets-sitting-next-to-ken-mehlman-on-a-plane-exposes-nipple
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I loved JetBlue. I watched HGTV and Cartoon Network the whole way.
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I watched The Queen of Versailles on CNET on the way there. On the way back I learned about a derailment on the LIRR on the local news that further screwed up my epic half day commute back to my casa.
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I saw The Queen of Versailles about a month ago. Tacky with a capital “T.” Her boobs play a prominent role in the movie. They insisted on top billing or else they were going to walk.
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They were very thought provoking breasts that brought to mind planets. It was an entertaining film to watch while being held captive in a tube for six hours at 35,000 feet.
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Hope you had a good Father’s Day weekend and that your dad enjoyed the gift. Ha! You made me laugh with your ” I’m still an actively horndog lesbian even while deep in middle age when I should have a kernel of dignity” line. That was too funny, and I so needed a laugh this week. Thank, bud.
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Dear Old Dad loves the cover and appreciates that my tome is dotted with 44 images. Glad you liked the post from out West Guat. Maybe I’ll soon write another one now that I’m back in the East.
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You can never count on getting good internet (or use of good computers if you dare to leave home without one.) That’s why I love the autopost feature.
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Good point, but I rarely write posts ahead of time. I’m the in-the-moment-type. I think that means that I need to travel with an iPad. Maybe in my next lifetime.
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