Here I am lying down on the job.
Can this double as a passport photo?
And here I am 2,500 years hence, significantly more dried out and inked than I am at present.
Yay, I finally shed those unwanted pounds!
What prompted these images was an email I had received a week earlier from Natasia, my tattoo-worshipping antagonist over at Hot Femme:
Tas email: Tattoos: a 2,500 year old trend. Almost as long as satchels!
Natasia frequently mocks my use of the words satchel, behoove, and some other of my trademark expressions I cannot recall due to my advanced case of CRS (Can’t Remember Shit).
Me email: Aren’t you feeling oh so smug!
Tas email: Find yourself a mummy with a satchel, Lame.
That dare set me off. A week later, I emailed Natasia the above image of the mummy with a satchel, agitating this fresh snark:
Tas email: I’m assuming this is (not) Under Ling (anymore’s) work.
Okay, Natasia’s Cornell degree in Something Hard and Complicated Involving Math once again paid off. That was a correct assumption. Yes, I have been blessed with two crack graphic designer buddies that have generously contributed to this site, my former colleague, Ling, who designed my banner, and now, Ling’s successor and former number two, Under Ling, since renamed, (not) Under Ling (anymore) after she was promoted last January.
Ten Lame Adventures ago (not) Under Ling (anymore) was anticipating a Lame Adventure of our own collaboration, a Lame Adventure entitled: The New Office Accessory. The reason this Lame Adventure went missing was that other Lame Adventures suddenly took precedence — Lame Adventures about the reliable crowd pleaser, tree bagging; the Lame Adventure about goat cheese and my pet puppet goat, Bill E.; collaborations with my wingman commenter Mike G, my humor advocate Le Clown, and my neighbor’s wonderful pooch Blanca.
Blanca: coolest pooch in my hood.
When, my sidekick, Greg, shared the YouTube link featuring the Wilhelm Scream, it never occurred to (not) Under Ling (anymore) that our joint Lame Adventure would once again be superseded and this time by nearly sixty year old yelling. And, of course, there is my problem with CRS. I’m so overloaded mentally, emotionally and alcoholically I’m nearing the day when I’m just going to start signing my name with a middle finger print.
Without further delay, here is that long overdue, especially if you’re (not) Under Ling (anymore), tale about The New Office Accessory.
In my ongoing passion for all things mundane, I would like to announce that after nearly eight years of employ in my illustrious career as Minister of Tile, I no longer have to march the twelve point seven feet from my desk to my superior Elsbeth’s office to sharpen a pencil. My svelte colleague (not) Under Ling (anymore) has altruistically donated a kidney to our General Manager’s ailing ferret and in exchange The Powers That Be In Accounting have stuck a crowbar in the company wallet and approved the purchase of a $7.00 extension cord from Office Max. This will grant us the opportunity to share our very own electric pencil sharpener without ever having to leave our desks again — a departmental first, emphasis on mental.
Examples of more pencils in our future.
(not) Under Ling (anymore) did all the setup involved possibly because she is very wise for her 24 years and she instinctively knew that The Cranky Fossil in Jack Purcell badminton shoes would sooner scrub the floor with her toothbrush than climb under her desk to plug in that cord herself. Not. Gonna. Happen. Ever.
Fortunately, The Cranky Fossil sits next to a very can-do member of the Millennial Generation, at least someone that is very can-do when it comes to entering Middle Earth to set up the electric pencil sharpener that they now share.
End result.
(not) Under Ling (anymore) performing first pencil sharpening.
And yes, the sharpener sits six inches away from The Cranky Fossil and two feet across (not) Under Ling (anymore)’s desk possibly because the youthful member of the equation’s head will explode if she has to hear The Cranky Fossil whine one more time about her aching back.
Ta da! “Nice and pointy!”
Hey, watch it! Don’t stick me in the eye with that thing!
First spent pencil memorial.
Lame Adventures 
Thank you – I laughed, without conscious control – more than twice…
R.
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Excellent Robert! Glad you were entertained.
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So it seems that problem lay with the lack of accessible electric outlets near your desk and not the fact that your employer cannot spring for a second pencil sharpener. Correct? Why not get one of those wonderful manual sharpeners we had in elementary school which were screwed/cemented into the wall a mere 3.7 feet from the floor?
Sorry that our Paris trip bumped your work colleague’s collaborative bit.
To answer your first question, I am going to say no, you cannot use your reclining portrait as your passport photo, unless you intend to cross the border supine on the back of a camel or a zebra.
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We don’t need two sharpeners. We’re not gadget hogs over here. Yeah, I remember those old sharpeners from our youth. I always rather liked their elegant craftsmanship than everything went, ya know, high tech saving us at least an extra eighth of a second.
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Love that photo of you! I’m so perplexed. Not to cause a wrinkle in time or anything, but I do have questions: What’s wrong with mechanical pencils? Why does your office still use those primitive writing instruments? Why is a fluorescent light tube sitting next to the pencil sharpener? What do you do for a living? What kind of business is too cheap to buy another pencil sharpener? What is a Minister of Tile?
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You do have a lot of questions for me after all this time! We’ve had mechanical pencils lying around here. The don’t rock my world; they’ve never pointy enough. We’re a primitive office. The tube was from a light box that’s “as old as the dinosaurs” according to (not) Under Ling (anymore) so that means it hales from the Clinton administration. I have a day job in design where I serve as my Lord & Master Elsbeth’s go-to snark-o-logist.
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Sounds like it was a momentous occasion. And interesting tats on that mummy, but ewwwh!
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If we could all only look that good when we reach 2,500!
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I too have CRS-feel 4 u!
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Feel for me about what George?
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Budget cuts got rid of all our pencil sharpeners and pencils for that matter. I write on a discarded tissue box with a piece of charcoal.
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What a coincidence, I write the first draft of my blog posts in chalk on the sidewalk.
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I hate electriconic pencil sharpeners.. they never work properly. I need a (not) Under Ling (anymore)…. you are one lucky lady. We generation Xer’s got the wrong end of the stick in the time warp
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(not) Under Ling (anymore) got the wrong end of the stick sitting next to petite poobah me.
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I spied a florescent light bulb next to the sharpener and was SO hoping that would become part of the post.
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I thought for sure that your eagle eye would be all over our vintage mug from the Sands! You’re slowing down Jules. I’m worried.
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been a rough week.
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Take it easy, buddy. Sharpen a pencil. You’ll feel better.
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maybe it is her lightsaber… to fend off the evil (work) empire which makes her (not)crawl under the desk to plug in appliances
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She’d like that a lot, but unfortunately, it’s just a run of the mill fluorescent tube light by Acme, so do something funny with it and you’ll likely explode Wile E. Coyote-style.
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I, too, need my very own (not) Under Ling (anymore). Think they sell those at Office Max?
Seriously, LA, this is too, too funny. You never fail to amuse me, you Old Fossil, you!
How do sharp pencils fair during the mumification process?
(not) Under Ling (anymore)-less,
Kathy
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Alas, (not) Under Ling (anymore) does not come in pairs, but I now know a ferret that’s sporting a piece of her.
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You better keep that deluxe setup under wraps—because then everyone will want one. Companies all across the country will be facing down hordes of angry employees chanting “No sharpener, no peace!”
Also, I too enjoy the word “behoove.”
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Yeah, only the Cadillac of setups for us over here at The Grind! It would behoove all to embrace behoove!
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Reblogged this on Hot Femme in the City and commented:
Lameadventures, presented on Hot Femme…without comment.
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SIGH
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BURP
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Odd and funny post V. 🙂
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You’re catching onto me more and more Wendy.
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V,
How do you want anyone to read your post after posting the first two ridiculously funny pictures? Ok. So now that I have made a comment, liked the post (for the pictures), I will read it, come back to write another comment, and give a star rating. Exciting times, no?
Le Clown
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If I ever have need to run a personal ad, I think those will be the pix I post of myself. Can you say, “Harem”?
Exciting times, yes.
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I laughed. I cried. I peed a little! Hahaha! This was hysterical and in the vein of the Lame we have all come to know and love. I read it to Danny to and I think he brushed a tear away too…. 🙂
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That’s exactly what I did while writing it! I wonder why I live alone?
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You, too, felt tears rolling down your leg? Brava!
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When was the electric pencil sharpener invented? Where have I been? I used to use one just like that centuries ago, LA, but it had a manual wind-up handle on the back that could help in making some really unusually shaped pencils! Oh, and I have hundreds (I think – maybe fewer) of the small hand-held pencil sharpeners, which don’t have the same effect. Especially when you sharpen your finger in error.
By the way, you’ve aged well in the 2,500 years!
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The electric pencil sharpener was invented in your kitchen — when you weren’t looking. Hey, couldn’t resist Tom. Thanks for the compliment. I feel so much less like a relic now.
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Ah, I see, LA! No wonder I missed it, I was probably in the bathroom!
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The inventor was patiently waiting for you to leave the room.
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But Lameadventures, how will you exercise?
You need to remove another essential necessity about ten feet away so you get the requisite cardiovascular workout.
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I am fleet of foot at quittin’ time. In fact I could practically win Olympic gold when it comes to racing out the door.
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Ps, satchels: looking at a couple of dictionaries, the word dates from 1300-1350, they were a French thing and therefore inherently sophisticated.But the Romans had the word’s predecessor, saccellus, a little bag. And we all know about Anthony and Cleopatra, right? The Egyptians DEFINITELY knew what satchels were. Finally, in my most geekish moment for some time I wondered if you knew that you can be satchelled; and indeed, unsatchelled.
Ithangyew.
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Wasn’t that Mia and the Wood-man’s youngest?
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At one time until he revised it to Ronan Seamus Farrow. He made Mom happy I’m sure.
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Not only do I know crack graphic designers, I also know a crack etymologist! Thanks for sharing the history of the origin of satchel Kate! (Of course Natasia is probably wondering how I know the word for etymologist.)
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this is a test:
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didn’t work…
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Okay.
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hot damn, whole lotta stuff has gone on since i left the plantation for sunny southern california, sugar! (i’m back home in dixie now) very cool, glad the pencil thing is sorted out! damn, i have a ton of catching up to do!!
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xoxoxox
(i’m commenting rusty, sugar, i hit the wrong thing!)
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Don’t worry about it. My typos have blanketed the web.
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I like the word satchel. It needs to be employed more often. I once had a boss who made fun of me relentlessly because he heard me say “cutlery” once. I should carry the cutlery in my satchel.
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Another word I’ve been saying for years that you might might also have an affinity for is foodstuffs. I also like to refer to having done my ablutions. I think it would be rather romantic to announce to one’s partner, “Now that I’ve finished my ablutions, I’m ready to have sex.” If you’d like to test that statement out on B, be my guest.
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I love words. A lot. Even when I cannot spell them. Métier is one I have been using a bunch. Must have been the anniversary trip. With respect to another poster below, I believe hubris is an under-appreciated term. Lexicon is cool. Yet I do have my pet peeves. One is, you’ll excuse me, foodstuffs. WTF do you need the “stuffs” for at the end? In the same arena is “landfall.”. We always get shitloads of “landfall” during hurricane season. I get it, meteorologists this is your season to shine. But I think we get it just the same when you say something like “Hurricane (fill in the blank) has reached land.”. Does the landfall serve to denote the rain associated with the hurricane is falling? I hope not, because WTF is rain going to do? If it is meant to connote (another great word) stuff falls down due to the serious wind, then I guess you have more of a leg to stand on. I haven’t bothered to look up the etymology of landfall. And I seriously doubt I will. Good day, madam!
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From our close (im)personal friends at Wikipedia:
Landfall is the event of a storm moving over land after being over water. When a waterspout makes landfall it becomes a regular tornado, which can then cause damage inland. When a fair weather waterspout makes landfall it usually dissipates quickly as it loses the inflow of warm air into the vortex.
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“F” the “fall.” It’s a bullshit term. The operative syllable here is land. The meteorologists just want to use landfall because it gives them another half second of air time.
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If the storm is falling in the ocean, that’s a good thing, but if it’s falling over your land with the potential of knocking your house out of its foundation and into the Dairy Queen parking lot over yonder, that could suck out loud. I think I can live with landfall remaining in the lexicon.
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I respect the awesome power of hurricanes. But when you tell me a Grade 3 Hurricane has reached land, or hit a particular city, I have a pretty accurate picture of what is happening. Just leave the goddammed syllable off. It’s nearly akin to signage. Yeah, it’s a sign.
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It’s a sign that it might have behooved you to bail a whole helluva sooner.
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I use the word ‘behoove’ with some frequency. Also ‘hubris,’ which I quite like.
I also like your delight in your renewed access to the automatic pencil sharpener. I’m being serious (I feel compelled sometimes to add that because I’m so often arch or sarcastic); I think the ability to draw joy from the small moments in our lives is fundamental to enjoying the damn thing. Good for you!
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Yes, hubris is a good one!
We’ve had that extra electric pencil sharpener lying around the office forever, but it was never hooked up until (not) Under Ling (anymore) took charge. Accomplishing that mission will be part of her legacy as our current top dog graphic designer. And, you’re right, I appreciate the convenience of just swiveling in my chair to sharpen my pencil. (not) Under Ling (anymore) increases my hope in the Millennials, not that I think she’s feeling that ecstatic about the Boomers.
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I know you’re not the athletic type, but maybe you should organize a softball game between these two teams–the M’s and the B’s. You could be the designated keg person.
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What’s M’s and B’s? I know what a keg is all too well.
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Millennials and Boomers. Your CRS is acting up.
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It’s not acting up. It’s here to stay.
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Thought I’d add nuance and screed to the list of words I enjoy and believe more people should employ. Doppelgänger and schadenfreude are never far away either. Aint English grand especially when we borrow so liberally from the world of other peoples languages?
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Screed’s the winner in this group to me. It could also double as the name of a 6th Grade math teacher.
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This was too funny. CRS. This phrase of yours cracks me up. I’m going to have to start using it randomly because I couldn’t stop laughing when I read your post. But the one that may have put me over the top was “The Cranky Fossil in Jack Purcell badminton shoes” HA! Thanks for the laugh and this was just for a pencil sharpener … can’t wait to hear when you get a bigger appliance.
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Thanks Guat. If I can ever find the energy maybe one day I’ll tackle vacuum cleaners. I have a behemoth-sized one in my closet.
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