Every so often I hang out with my friend and fellow blogger, Natasia, from the demurely named site, Hot Femme Writing in NYC. On this particular get-together we are walking down my block to my sanctum sanctorum when she notices the Recreational Vehicle that has been polluting my Upper West Side neighborhood for years. It’s curbside blight that I have written about before. Tas reacts like she’s had a celebrity sighting.
Easily confused with Angelina Jolie on a bad hair day.
Tas: Hey, there’s that RV you hate! It’s almost parked in front of your building.
Egging me on, she adds:
Tas: That pisses you off, doesn’t it?
It does, but I am a self-control machine. Therefore, I say nothing other than a low growl. My contempt for this vehicle strikes me as ridiculous considering that I spend most of my time in one of four places – inside my apartment, inside a subway station or train, inside my office, or outside in general Gotham City. I spend very little time on any given day standing like a doofus in front of my building hyperventilating about a legally parked eyesore. Yet, irrationally, whenever I see that unsightly trash barge on wheels hogging space outside my door, it sets me off like a Roman Candle. At that particular moment, I know my blood pressure is rising.
Tas: Look, matzo!
I assume that she is firing her special brand of snark at me. I detonate:
Me: What are you talking about? Why are you yammering about matzo now? It’s out of season; it’s May! You told me you wanted to eat a baguette!
I pause for breath half-wondering if the chest pain I feel is gas or a heart attack, and if it’s the latter, will she hesitate to call an ambulance from the iPhone that seems surgically attached to her mitt? Ignoring my conniption Tas points at the vehicle and insists:
Tas: Matzo!
Displaying her own level of self-control, she resists adding for emphasis:
Tas: Look dumbass!
Window dressing matzo — move over Martha Stewart.
Me: Huh! How’d they do that? Gee, good eye, Tas.
We conclude it’s probably very stale and walk on.
A few days later, I’m running an errand for dish soap. As I wait to cross Broadway at 77th Street, I look up at a boring high-rise apartment building.
Another innocuous tall box that could have been designed by Ambien.
This is the exact kind of building I usually find invisible, but this time I do a double take.
That mannequin’s butt naked! Hide the small fry!
Logically, this naked mannequin might belong to an artist or designer, but illogically and based on nothing other than my own imagination run amuck, I make the assumption that it might belong to someone with kinky proclivites. Hm, all roads return to artist or designer. My next thought is I wonder if they own or rent?
My favorite eye catching sites are the Peter Woytuk bronze sculptures that dot the Upper West Side. Three of them are in a three and four block radius of my home base. Last year, he had a giant blue kiwi on display outside the 72nd Street subway entrance (or exit if you’re leaving instead of entering). That big blue bloated bird (try saying that three times fast) has now been replaced with a raven standing tall atop a cluster of apples bringing to mind Edgar Allan Poe, fruit that’s available year round and an impressive balancing act.
How do you like them apples? I do! I also like the raven on top.
I admire his three fat hens planted in the median on Broadway outside Fairway.
“How dare you call us fat!”
My blood pressure appreciates all of these sculptures and I would welcome any one of them outside my building.
This might also scare away the rats and skunks.
Lame Adventures 
Not really sure why someone living on UWS of NYC would even own an RV, much less such an eyesore. Glad to know the owner is keeping kosher, though.
LikeLike
Well, it is a very safe neighborhood populated by thousands of dipshit liberals (myself included) that love to grouse but we wouldn’t take any real action against this eyesore. I assume it’s occupied by someone that bottomed out when the economy tanked. It’s better that they live in that decrepit tube than Central Park.
LikeLike
i’m thinking of getting a butt-naked mannequin to pal around with me for fun. Just because.
LikeLike
Just because you’re a designer and an artist Jules.
LikeLike
I am? Ok, I’ll go with that! Thanks!!!
LikeLike
Thought you’d appreciate the compliment buddy!
LikeLike
Always…
A funny story about the word ‘appreciate’: I worked with a great film editor years ago who once told me that if I wanted appreciation to look in the dictionary. So funny.
LikeLike
I think his advice could apply to every job I’ve ever worked, but I did get my start in the film industry (okay, TV commercial film production but there was the requisite lights, camera, anguish). Thanks for sharing Jules!
LikeLike
For several years our neighbor in the duplex across the street parked his COMCAST van in front of our Victorian homes. My next-door neighbor threatened to come out at 2 a.m. and spray paint FiOS on the van. But, she got out; she moved. Finally he moved. For a while, too, the neighbor in the adjoining duplex parked a dump truck our front. The only good thing about these two large, unsightly vehicles is that they obstructed our view of those trashy neighbors. The duplex, by the way, is owned by a member of our town council. He decided not to run for office next election.
LikeLike
Samantha, that story’s a surefire way to get me to quit my whining!
LikeLike
The ravens also remind me of that old aesops fable, the one about the raven that drops stones into a bucket of water until it rises to the top and he can drink it. I think the moral of the story is hard work pays off…dumbass.
LikeLike
Wow, zing! Think I missed that fable Tas since it wasn’t published in The New Yorker.
LikeLike
It hasnt been?! I’ll give van munching a call.
LikeLike
Do so after you finish lunching.
LikeLike
Hey lunching and Munching rhyme. And they’re also synonyms. Cool!
LikeLike
And Tas has gone lunching with Van Munching!
LikeLike
Okay, just officially blown away. Gonna have to sit the rest of this one out. Just hope things don’t get contentious…don’t want to see any punc…(nah, just can’t finish that one).
LikeLike
I am obviously not spending enough time on the UWS, I’m missing all the good stuff. I love the matzo “shades” in the RV, but I think my favorite part of this post was your caption, “Another innocuous tall box that could have been designed by Ambien.”
LikeLike
We have everything on the UWS Madame W — public art, bland architecture, monuments to sloth plus Fairway. Who could want for more?
LikeLike
Like the fruits, could pass on the hens, LOVE the thought about the rats and that one sculpture!
:>
Michael
LikeLike
Those plump hens are too Botero-like for you Michael? I’m pretty sure that Peter Woytuk has also designed bronze sculptures featuring rats, but I don’t think they made the public art display grade over here, probably because most New Yorkers have plenty of real life rat sightings every day. Ravens and hens are not as common.
LikeLike
May I suggest you get yourself a butt-naked mannequin and carry it with you everywhere you go for a day or a week? Pull it in a wagon or something. Then write about it. Talk about a Lame Adventure. You could even amputate one of its legs, so it’s literally lame!
Hugs,
Kathy
LikeLike
Hm … You go first, Kathy. I’m the shy reserved type.
LikeLike
Mannequin Skywalker … is what I would name a mannequin. If I had a mannequin. And were a “Star Wars” fan.”
LikeLike
So does that mean you don’t and you aren’t, Jess?
LikeLike
Heres an eye catcher!—http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QetdyR5ddj4&feature=related
LikeLike
Yikes George! And, uh yeah, pretty eyes.
LikeLike
Yes, there’s no way to look at that trash barge as sculpture. I really enjoy sculpture in the city, placed here and there as part of the landscape. We have a sculpture downtown here depicting two pioneers and several native American Indians discussing something. One of the Indians is pointing off in the distance. Unfortunately, he’s pointing across the street at the parking garage. “Pretty good parking there, white man. Hourly rates are decent.”
LikeLike
That’s hilarious, Jean! Possibly because I’m such a tactile type I enjoy sculpture, too. There’s a lot of bronze sculptures in all shapes and sizes in Manhattan. I think bronze suits the city well since it’s heavy and harder to steal.
LikeLike
A butt-naked mannequin in a Cincinnati window who spawn a long city council debate and eventual ordinance.
LikeLike
It sounds like the press and local news would have something solid to chew on for quite a while as the mannequin owner screams about freedom of expression. Over here in Anything Goes Gotham City, people don’t even notice these things. Cool to hear from you fellow Looney Tunes lover!
LikeLike
I can hear the city council debates and all the news coverage … YIKES!
LikeLike
If it got crazy enough, then the story could go national!
LikeLike
This banter cracks me up! You two must be a blast to listen to. I love the “Ambien” building and your distaste in RV’s! Hilarious!
LikeLike
When Tas is in the house, the conversation is never dull. Last week she made me laugh so hard I projectiled a mouth full of Sangria across a room. She brings out the class act in me.
LikeLike
I guess that is better than Ka-SNORTing it! Too funny!
LikeLike
Actually, that has happened, too. It’s reliably attractive. (cough)
LikeLike