Shortly after I figured out how to set the time on my department’s fax machine from Scottsbluff, Nebraska to Gotham City, it started jamming. I diagnosed that it needed the roller replaced.
“Help me. I need a new roller.”
Therefore, I notified an assistant at the Grind about the situation and asked if she could set up a service call. She told me that our 14-year-old fax no longer rates a contract. She advised we get a new one.
Me: But it only needs the roller replaced, we’re talking a $2 part. It can send faxes just fine.
She said she’d discuss it with our company’s I.T. guy, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: I’ll get you a new one.
Me: Can’t you take a look at it first?
Mr. Hat: I’ll visit next week.
Translation: he thinks it’s a lost cause. As far as waiting days to visit, his office is located three floors away from ours. He could visit in less than three minutes.
Me (bleating to my colleagues): Why must this take days?
My sidekick, Greg, and (not) Under Ling (anymore) are as baffled as me.
Greg: Can you get the part online? Maybe we can install it?
Two years ago, Greg and I performed brain surgery on our color printer. We got it to work again. I call Canon and speak to a technician named Mike who asks me the model of our fax machine.
Me: We have a CFX L4000.
Mike: I don’t have that one on my list. When did you get it?
Me: During the Hoover administration.
Mike puts me on hold. He is probably accessing Canon’s Obsolete Machines Database or his Magic 8 Ball. He returns and explains that they no longer service this model but he gives me the name and number of a local technician that might be able to help. I call the technician and I’m told that they no longer service our machine because they can no longer get replacement parts. She declares:
Technician: Nobody really sends faxes anymore. Everyone uses email.
Me (deadpan): Email? What’s that?
There’s an awkward pause except for the crickets on the other end of the line.
Me: That was a joke.
She rocket launches into a sales pitch trying to entice me with a souped-up fax machine that can do countless things that I’m tuning out.
Technician: I’ll even give you ten percent off! What do you think of that?
Me: I think we’ll use email.
I walk over to our fax machine and have a blunt chat with it.
Me: Listen, if you don’t suck up the paper anymore, you’re gonna end up in a landfill.
Instantly, it prints a fax. Greg and (not) Under Ling (anymore) are both up on their feet. The three of us gather at the fax machine. We’re jubilant.
Greg: What did you do to get it to work again?
Me: I told it it could end up in a landfill.
I call our colleague, Rhonda, and ask her to send a test fax. She does and again it works!
Test fax.
I leave The Grind for the weekend feeling empowered. I fantasize about marketing my phenomenal powers of persuasion. The ability to speak to office machines could save small businesses thousands if not millions and make me millions. Whoa!
Finally, I may have found my calling in life! Suddenly, my unique skill will turn my dismal finances around. With my newfound success I can afford that beach house I’ve never wanted since I can’t tan or swim. Yet, why be selfish? I’ll write a check that will pay for my niece’s entire college career and even throw in a car for Sweet Pea. Milton and I will always sit in premium center orchestra seats and see every Broadway show. Come to think of it, I must finance the staging of one of my pal Albee’s plays. I’ll donate heavily to whatever event Martini Max is spearheading over in New Jersey, even if it involves Jerry Lewis, who I utterly loathe. Plus I cannot forget my fashionista buddy, Coco. She gets a blank check to feed her Christian Louboutin shoe habit. Also, what about my loyal colleagues, Greg and (not) Under Ling (anymore)? He can have that baritone sax he wants and she, a crate of videogames. I should not just focus on material gifts for my posse. I must also pursue worthy philanthropic concerns. Gee, where to start? The world is such a troubled place. I’ll go through my junk mail for information about what crusades George Clooney endorses.
When I return to work on Monday, our fax machine is jammed again.
Ominous red alarm light.
For an hour I give it the office machine equivalent of mouth-to-mouth. My credibility as an office machine whisperer and potential seven-figure income are on the line. Unfortunately, nothing I do, even speaking to it in the single word of the French I retain from five years of inattentive study (“merde!”) can persuade it to pull up paper.
Resigned that I’m just a fax machine whispering fraud, I do what I hate. I admit defeat. I call Mr. Hat and ask him to order us a new one.
Two minutes later he enters our office carrying the fax machine he ordered a week earlier — when our problems started.
Ready.
It’s so state-of-the-art, it can work within five minutes, even though it takes Greg and I closer to two hours to get it going.
Five minutes to get it to print. Another 115 minutes to get it to fax … Probably because everyone uses email.
I reason:
Me: All we needed was 24 five-minute intervals to set it up.
“Talk to me. I’m a good listener.”
Lame Adventures 
This is hilarious! I just read it to my husband. Still laughing!
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Glad that both you and your hubby were amused at the latest bane in my existence, Susie!
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…you see, what you do is, you scan a copy and save it to your computer, then you e-mail that…
…but how do I scan the piece of paper…
…oh, well, you just slide this in here, press this, do that, run over to your computer, check on this, run back to the machine, make sure the paper hasn’t jammed, go back to your computer, find the icon on your desktop that refers specifically to the item you just scanned, rename it, save it somewhere, begin an e-mail, attach the saved scanned item, search for it again on your desktop, remember what it is, re-attach the right thing this time, then send. Easy…
…Oh. What about when the fax machine starts receiving mysterious calls?…
…Fax machine? What fax machine? Nobody faxes anymore…
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Oh, yes, Jeremy. I do this on a regular basis. Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? I do have a fax machine but it is one that was unearthed in an archeological dig.
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You left off the part about popping the Excedrin by the fistful Jeremy. Otherwise, you’ve nailed this perfectly!
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That is hilarious. That is so me. I don’t even know where to begin — probably with the Hoover administration….
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Now there’s a guy who knew how to make an item that lasted, with his vacuum cleaners and all.
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🙂 🙂
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Now we have a 3 in 1 machine that scans, photocopies and faxes, but I’m sure when one function craps out, the whole contraption will be ready to join our old machine as it rots in a landfill.
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Big LOLs today! Thanks, BatPat
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I’m sure that you’re very well-versed in office machine hell, BP!
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My blood pressure started going up just reading this. Whoever designs these 3-in-1s has clearly never worked in an actual office.
Next time I have problems with the machines in my office, I’m calling you! 🙂
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We got two of the functions to work — faxing and printing. Then, I needed to take a nap.
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That’s in the manual, too. “For to making sleepy time, place articulated interiorified skull part, and skeletal/body portion, on softened disk of artificial material, making sure a prone position is achieved. Shut light-receptor covering and achieve sleepfulness. For extra special wakey time, we recommend the HP Power Alarm.”
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Ah, “wakey time”! Speaking of HP Power Alarms, the fist thing I figured out how to do with our new 3 in 1 fax machine was mute it.
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I swear to God, this is the funniest damn thing I’ve read since way before the fax was invented!
Hugs,
Kathy
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I’m glad you were amused with my latest episode of Office Agony, Kathy. I hope that you, Sara and the hounds are having a great weekend, pal.
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as i read this i looked over at our own “yes, you need me because i do everything” and wonder just how long it will continue to function like new! xoxo
(going back in time to read all your adventures i’ve missed)
(by the by, this is savannah, not someone new. WP has demanded a new identity if i wanted to leave comments. i know, right? it was a real wtf moment.)
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If you ask me, these all-in-one machines are money-pits built to NOT last. WP has made some annoying new tweaks. So good to hear from you buddy!
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uh, savmarshmama.blogspot.com and WP won’t even let me leave my blog url anymore!
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That blows that you can’t leave your blog’s URL anymore!
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We are all just glorified fax, copier machine, and printer repair folks. My master’s degree hasn’t proved to be at all useful. I could have stopped after high school. It’s nice that your IT folks can anticipate your needs yet still allow you to fail miserably. They must have the best time up there giggling over your futile attempts. You are hilarious, LA!
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I am quite sure that Mr. Hat finds my foibles entertaining, but for an IT guy, he’s a pretty cool cat. So glad that I didn’t go for that master’s degree although I am quite sure I have an honorary doctorate in Stupidity.
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