I had planned to see the films Inception and Salt this weekend, but my friend, Ulla and her husband, Charles, have invited Milton and I to visit them on Long Island. Milton and I will meet shortly at Penn Station to catch the LIRR. A chance to escape the city on a day when it is supposed to be scorching is welcome. It’s been a rough week for both of us. The air conditioning has been out in my office since Wednesday and Milton has had a tough time finding a baseball cap that is not decorated with a logo. Ulla suggested we each bring a hat so that our faces will not fry in the sun.
A week ago, I popped into the North Face store where I bought a tan cap with their logo that was on sale for ten dollars. This transaction took no more than ten minutes. Although I am not a fan of endorsing the North Face, I liked the price and that this was hassle-free.
Milton is a bit more selective than me. He has been looking for The Cap for more than a week, but he cannot find one he likes. He wishes he could wear the one he has decorated with the Oscar statue but he does not know what he did with it. He confided that he has been looking everywhere for it. I wanted to ask if he tried searching any landfills, but I deemed that suggestion might not be very helpful. I did deadpan that he wear the knit cap he dons on the coldest days in winter. He said, “I wish I knew where I put that hat!” Apparently, Milton’s home is where hats go to hide.
When Milton was in a sporting goods store Friday night, he asked the clerk if he had any logo-less caps, but why anyone would not want a cap endorsing a team seemed to completely baffle this clerk. Milton implied that the fellow became monosyllabic and referred to him as “a dribbling idiot.” I said, “Since you hate the Yankees, why don’t you settle for the Mets or the Baltimore Orioles – wear a bird on your head.” Milton could not have been more repulsed with that idea than if I had suggested he drape his noggin with a piece of liver. I have a feeling he is going to visit Ulla and Charles hatless. Ulla is resourceful. She might have something worthy of the Kentucky Derby stashed deep in her closet that will satisfy Milton’s criteria.
Ulla did have the perfect hat for Milton, allowing him to channel his inner Celie!